I know some of you are wondering possibly where this is going for me. So I don't mind sharing the events of last night.
Once again, I attempted to meet my man's needs and once again failed. This time though, the failure brought me to heartbreaking tears. Tears of regret and remorse for not following his lead over the many years. Now maybe he doesn't have the desire anymore I told myself. My heart of course knows this is not true. He admits to some recent worries and concerns that may be playing a role. I just blurted out what was on my mind..That I am afraid my need to be spanked is just too much for him. He sort of laughed and said he enjoyed providing the many spankings over the years. I told him they now hold a much different meaning for me.
I shared with him my need to truly become submissive. He then shared that his only expectation is that I "willingly" was submissive in all ways and that my reward for doing so would be for him to provide the spankings that he all ready knows I need regardless of the reasons.( I am still trying to process this mind set.) I continued to cry and he continued to talk quite calmly and matter of fact. He was reaching my heart, but my mind continued to race with questions and doubts. He quietly asked if I needed to be spanked now. I wanted to say yes, but couldn't bring myself to do so. To "ask" for a spanking seems so wrong and I let him know. In his wisdom, he told me he has known me for years. When I get all stirred up and frustrated, it is a sure sign for him that I have a lot of tension that just needs to be released and he knows by spanking, this is exactly what occurs. He tells me he does not need to punish me into doing whatever is expected. He will only accept what is "freely" given. More tears of course continue to fall as I weigh this thought in my mind. His expectation is that I "freely" submit in all areas to him. That is what is important to him. That is what should be equally as important to me. How I choose to get there, is "freely" up to me. Powerful my friends.
So, I have eluded to some very poor decisions made in the past that I can not forgive myself for. I have carried them for a very long time, and desperately seek a way to feel that I can let them go once and for all and begin to lead a life of submission. My question to those of you following, is it ok to simply ask my hubby to "punish" me for these mistakes? After all it isn't his fault I made those choices, why should he have to follow through with the punishment?
Because I trust him with my life. He has my heart. Because he loves me and I love and trust
him with following through and breaking this defiant spirit I have always had.
My heart knows that to accept one "punishment" spanking would be exactly what is needed to surrender my will to his. I am mindful that this request would be hard for him, as the intent is for correction and not for pleasure as he already freely gives. How much more do I ask of the man that loves me? I am asking that he takes me to the other side......