So today is a new day of sorts. I have always known I have felt very different about what I wanted from my marriage. What my heart told me is that I wanted someone to love and cherish me, someone who would remain true to me through the good and bad times, someone that would accept me as I am, someone to grow old with.
Yes I know, every girl's fantasy, well for me, I have been blessed with a man who actually has met all of my heart's desires. What my brain told me is that it would take a strong man to lead me through life as I have always been a strong willed woman and not always in a good way. What would this mean exactly? I sort of knew but wasn't really sure, but instinctively knew it would be someone who would take charge and hold me accountable.
You see, I led a very dark past that has kept me in chains for most of my adult life. Oh I was raised to know better, it is just that I chose to be defiant in my teen years and felt that no one could or would stop me from exploring what life had to offer. Too bad for me, I did not listen because my choices set me up for a life time of heartache.
You see without having boundries and consequences in life, there is no safety net to catch you when you fall. Fast forward after many years of soul searching, I have been able to put a "name" to the feeling I have always had.
TTWD/dd. Yes, this thing we do, domestic discipline. There. I have said it, at least to those of you who might understand this life. I stumbled upon the Taken in hand site quite innocently this past summer and for the first time in my life I realized that maybe I wasn't crazy after all, and that this way of life has it's merits.
So I did what probably most of you did, I started a massive research on this entire subject.Who knew there would be so much information on such a personal and private subject right? Well let's just say, I have kept the sites that lend a personal side to their stories and have gotten rid of those that make little sense to me. I let my heart guide me here.
So now what you ask? well.... I need to have "the talk" with my wonderful husband. How hard can this be you ask? HARD!! We have been together for nearly 40 years, married for 38 years. You think he has a clue? Well yes he does. You see we actually have practiced some form of dd, we just didn't know there was a name. My husband has no problem with spankings particularly when they benefit him. I am certain he feels they benefit me. As for me... well you all know I benefit whether I agree in the moment or not! To be honest and that is what the purpose of this blog is... spankings started out as a sexual turn on, I now know why after the many months of recent readings. I was craving his dominance and his leadership even though back through the years I most certainly did not see it as such. That is why I titled this blog, better late than never. I absolutely am ready to relinquish my poor behaviors and learn to lean on him in every decision. Like all of you, I have discovered a complete sense of peace when I choose to do so. Do I always remember to follow his lead? Of course not. But I am working to get there. What I am looking for? A fresh start, a clean slate, to know I am forgiven for bringing baggage along with me into our marriage and not being the best that I can be to a man who has given me his all.
After a recent spanking, we had fallen asleep. I awoke after realizing he had taken my hand in his. As I laid there in the dark, I began to rub his hand. I noted the roughness of his hand as well as the strength of his hand, oddly there were areas of softness. It was then that the tears began to flow as all of the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place. This was the same hand that has protected and provided for my every need over the many years we have been together. Oddly, it is the same hand that also punishes me when I need correction, and also provides me with so much pleasure. What a responsibilty my man has, and he does so without question or expectations. He does so because he loves me. I must have cried for hours when my heart realized what I owe him for the life we have shared. What quickly came to my mind was what I had been reading.. honesty, respect, obedience and caring for myself. Really is this asking so much? It is not.These are small things in comparison for all of the love he shares unselfishly. What I owe him is my complete submission and however and whatever it takes for me to get there I am willing to pursue.
I don't pretend that the journey will be easy, for sure there will be some emotional pain, most likely physical pain for me as I accept his corrections, but anyone who knows me well, knows I will finally succeed at being the submissive woman he expects and deserves.
Wish us luck as we embark on this journey.....