Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Cold winter morning, warm bottom, mixed emotions....

I finally am actually feeling better yea! Slept oh so well, feeling refreshed. As hubby and I layed in bed this morning, I was reflecting on where we are with the whole dd lifestyle. I was giving thought as to what I wanted to say following the revelation of my blog to him and wondered if he would be receptive to what was really on my mind, Punishment. Some history goes along with this thought, but for the purpose of this bog, I will leave that for a later time.

 He however, had something very different on his mind. He suddenly ordered me to get out of bed, to go to his dresser drawer and pull out the blindfold and the thick strap kept there and bring them to him. In the past, I would have wasted alot of time asking very silly questions all the while really knowing what the intent was. This morning was just different. I asked no questions, and simply did as I was told.

Strangely, while I felt some butterflies deep down inside, I also felt an unusual sense of calmness as
I followed through with his order. Was this the submissive side of me trying to show through? I sort of thought so, since my mouth usually is asking a million questions, but this time I did not do so.
I brought him the blindfold, which he carefully placed on me. I then handed him the strap. He quietly but firmly told me to lay over his lap. Of course I know what is going to occur, but for some reason
I can feel myself become a bit anxious and instinctively want to move away even though I am not truly "afraid of spankings." After all, I am sure his intent is for pure sexual satisfaction. He begins to bring the strap down on my bottom. It stings for sure, but it is manageable. Several swats later, I am beginning to "feel" the sting and burn and want to move away, but told myself to "submit" despite the
increasing pain I am feeling. I told myself to "focus" on what I was feeling. After all, in the future I will need to be able to stay still and "submit" to what I have been asking for which is a true "punishment" spanking where I will have absolutely no say in how long, how hard, or what implements will be used. I need to learn to submit in real life now, not just because spankings have
played a role over the years in our sex life, but because we are now moving into the dynamics of a dd relationship in order to achieve a more fulfilling marriage.

My mind goes to a much deeper place, I am thinking, if I think these swats are painful and I know he is doing so for sexual satisfaction, what would this strap feel like on my behind IF he was doing this for a punishment spanking? After all, my man is a large man, extremely strong, and while I have never experienced a spanking from him with the sole intent to punish and correct, my mind and oddly my heart tells me this would be the ultimate test of my submission. I also know deep down that I deserve to "feel" both pain on my bottom, and in my heart, in order to bring me to the place that I need to be in order to forgive myself for past behaviors of many years ago. I am scared of this emotion that I so strongly feel. I have read about being "being spanked to tears" and I can so relate
to the need to experience the release and to be able to let go of the past and begin afresh. I would also need for him to be firm and direct in his conversation to me about my wrong doings of the past, how I have held on to them way too long, how this has affected us, and what his expectations are for our future. I am certain between receiving a "true lecture as well as a real spanking," that I would quite easily be brought to tears. I need to know that he has this, has me, understands my need for this opportunity to start afresh with a clear mind and an open heart so that my submissive side will open up and finally.... as my original blog says... better late than never, I can now become the woman he has tried to get me to be all of these years. He deserves this from me, I owe this to him.

So this morning while sexually my needs were well met, his were not. Not that I did not do my best, I just wonder if my desire to be held accountable via being punished by spankings is causing a problem for him. He says not, but I just wonder. After all this is my need, not necessarily his. What I want is to submissively meet his every need. After all, he has met every need that I have ever had regardless of what those were. He deserves the very best of me. What I need...a painful bottom, a remorseful heart, to be forgiven, a clear understanding of his expectations now. What I need is... a clean slate.

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