Monday, February 24, 2014

Asking for what you need.

Seems so simple of a concept. Have a want or need? Just ask for what it is you want. Ok ... unless you are asking to be spanked. On some level it just seems so weird and even wrong but is it? I mean if you trust your man with your life, surely you can trust him with this. I mean after all, we will blog about this subject with perfect strangers, I suppose this is simple because we are not face to face and depending on how long you have been blogging we may have developed some level of a friendship. But really?.... Asking for someone to spank you to ease frustration, anger, anxiety, stress, to place you back in sync... and yes possibly because you know you deserve it, just takes some time to process and wrap your head around the idea.

So this weekend after a very tiring and frustrating week and multiple attempts and refusal on my part to acknowlege and accept my hubby's desire to spank me, I had a melt down on my own. While the first time I could not face to face ask him, when I recognized this was a true need, I did text him and told him I needed a reset spanking before I lost my mind. I was embarrassed and felt vulnerable for having done so. Once again that little voice deep down inside tried to tell me how crazy I was. Then a light clicked on. Wasn't it just a week ago when I tried to tell my hubby what he did and did not want or need to do? Wasn't his reaction to provide me with a spanking all the while telling me the choice was his? Perhaps it was my imagination, or perhaps my bottom could still feel the sting and warmth of that spanking session. Whatever it was, both my mind and heart remembered what he said.

So Sunday morning came, he asked me was I ready to be spanked? As he recalled I had a need and he was prepared to deliver. For the first time ever, my only response was a simple yes. No discussion, no trying to explain. I simply got out of bed and went over his knee as he requested. I worked at quieting all of the negative thoughts in my mind, and really went deep down inside and simply focused on the spanking at hand. I worked to stay still and just accept what I was feeling. It didn't take long to get me in a better place. When all was said and done, while feeling so much better, I sensed I wasn't quite in the spot I would need to be in to get through this week. I summoned the courage to look hubby in the eye and softly asked if I needed more later would he take care of this for me? He said of course, no problem. And you know for the first time I just accepted his response for what it was and did not question his intent. We enjoyed a quiet day at home in front of the fire, I got some much needed rest.

Later in the evening, hubby once again came to me and said, "I believe you said you needed to be spanked more?" Are you ready? Without question once again, I found myself back over his knee with a short but firm hand spanking. I told him I appreciated it, but still needed a bit more. I actually meant a bit longer. He however chose to pull out the leather strap and proceeded to provide my bottom with some intense attention. I was so close to moving into my soft spot in my heart, that a little voice inside bravely spoke up and asked for him to tell me with words what he expected this week while he spanked. He did just that. And with that.... words do matter, I finally got to my soft spot in my heart. I snuggled down surrounded by his big strong arms, enjoyed the burning feeling on my bottom, and quickly went to sleep. It was the best night's sleep I had in many weeks. I achieved this by simply asking him for what  knew I needed, and accepting what he gave without question.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

No spanking?!!!

Once again I find myself here pondering the way I am feeling in the moment. As always by mid week, I begin to feel frustrated, angry, tired and overwhelmed with keeping up with the demands of my job. My weeks start out well with me in a good frame of mind, and my heart in a soft place. This past week was no different, in fact, it was much better because of the great day we had shared on Sunday.

Predictably, by mid-week, I found myself emotionally drained, becomming short with my temper and non too pleasant with my responses toward my hubby. It was like watching myself through a glass window. I could see everything unfolding, knew it was not right, yet made no moves to correct my own behavior.
Hubby on the other hand, I could tell, was sensing my frustration and made a couple of "playful" attempts at spanking me to make me feel better I presume. Each time, I pushed him away telling him I didn't find it funny or helpful in the moment. He said... who's laughing, apparently you need some tension relief. I said, what I need is some sleep and for this "craziness" with my job to stop. He let it go and my week progressed. And so I continued to struggle through the week, and ended up completely frustrated and exhausted.

Saturday morning, hubby tried spanking again, and yep once again I pushed him away, and said I wanted to be left alone. I needed to go to work with him at our own business but had no more energy left to give. I think he knew this as he told me to stay home and get some rest. I didn't argue the issue. Shortly after he left, I found myself in tears, tired, disconnected and yes damm it, wanted to be spanked. I had not given hubby much time of day the entire week, in fact pushed him away, and distanced myself from him and just generally wasn't at all the loving supportive wife I should and want to be. So I texted him, and simply said that I needed a reset spanking of some sort to get me back into my comfort zone. Asking for this caused the dam to break and I cried for nearly an hour. I was so embarrassed at having to admit and ask for this from him. He too, works very hard each day to make our business successful. He always has on his happy face even when things get hard. He always makes time for me, for us. He always gives so much of himself and asks for nothing in return.

What I saw in me....was ugly. Selfish, uncaring, concern for my needs only.
So what do I need? I need for my behavior to be corrected. Sadly... I need a spanking. Oddly...hubby already knew this mid-week. So today.. I am thinking we will need to be talking about what happened, how to avoid this moving forward, and I am guessing that spanking that I should have had mid week, will be occuring today. What I expect, is that there will be something I can learn from this and that my heart will be back in it's soft place again.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

HOH sense of humor

You gotta love a man with a sense of humor. Today, I shared Quiet Sara's post on cursing and switching. It struck me as being so funny that I wanted to share it with hubby. He listened to me tell him the gist of the story, and I just kept laughing.. (sorry sara) He laughed at SM's response after Sara broke the switches, to look out the window the tree was still there.

He then said, you know God is pretty smart don't you think? I think he has a sense of humor. I said how's that? He said well you know Eve... just couldn't or wouldn't listen to even God's instructions about staying away from the forbidden fruit. Look at all the chaos she caused. Looks like God looked around and said I better provide man with something that will help him keep his wife in line. And behold.... Look at all the trees that are around. Plenty of switches to be had and wood for paddles. So... it all works out you know?

God already knew that women by nature would need to be lead, he also knew the trouble they would have following given their defiant nature. So naturally at some point man would figure out that spanking them would catch their attention and make their point. Who says men don't get this? What's not to get? He just laughed and had a gleem in his eye.
As I said, my hubby has had this whole thing down pact for quite sometime. Who am I to second guess him and God after all this time right? was good to finally share a good laugh about this subject. A much different view from last week.

We shared an awesome day. He led, I followed. He calmly told me this morning that I needed to go over his lap and get a spanking that would settle me for the week. I started to say something smart, he quickly said, I am not asking, I am telling you this is what is going to happen. So.. over his lap I went, a good firm hand spanking was provided with a simple reminder to stay calm this week and behave. A little morning fun, followed by time spent at the yearly boat show. We then took a drive out into the country, talked, laughed about everything including last week's unfortunate situation. We then enjoyed a nice dinner out.
Through out much of our dynamics today, I made mental notes about how much hubby actually does lead, and when I am quiet and listen, I will naturally follow. I also then recognized this is the most peaceful I have felt in months. So tonight, I give thanks once again to God for providing me with a perfect companion in life who loves me for me.

Saturday, February 15, 2014


It has been a week since I was last able to share my thoughts about this lifestyle.
What I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming amount of support, and thoughtful feedback
that I received from all of you that at one time were perfect strangers, but over the past several months have welcomed me  into this unique circle we share. There are no words really to express my appreciation for each and everyone of you. Each one of you have something very special and unique
to share and offer to others that can make a very big difference to that individual. That's where I was
at last week. While I may not have responded to all, know that I read and reread most responses more than once and was touched.

Not only was I having issues with understanding my own personal situation, I was quickly withdrawing deep down inside and just generally feeling overwhelmed. I felt as though I had made a
very large mistake in pursuing this lifestyle. I tried to convince myself that it really didn't matter
particularly if it didn't matter to my hubby. I tried to separate out all of my feelings, but they were jumbled up in one big ball of a mess. The more I thought about things, the more emotional pain I felt.

Shortly after posting last week, you could say that hubby and I had a meeting of the minds. Well truthfully, I just poured out all of my ugly thoughts in the moment. He had come into the bedroom and gleefully announced that" the master was available to provide me with a spanking". I just exploded."

"This is not a game to me, but I can sure see that it is for you and since that is the way you feel, I am not doing this anymore." In 2.5 seconds or less, he once again undid my jeans, pulled them and my undies off and had me over his knee and was spanking quite intensely. Again, I fought him, I was not at all into the situation and wanted no part of what was going on. He stopped long enough to ask me
what right did I have to say what he did or did not want or like to do. Didn't I understand that this was his decision? Perhaps he needed to demonstrate his point and he did just that. I still wasn't giving in.
My comments were ugly and hurtful both towards him, myself and us as a couple. He kept spanking, I fought to hold back the tears. I was too proud to let him see he was reaching me. At one point I looked up to see our cat sitting there watching this entire event unfold. I said what are you looking at? and slammed the door. What happened next I could not believe.

Hubby told me that was the ugliest behavior towards an innocent cat, and I was now going to be punished. I said, yea right. Well by now, most of you might recall we have a horsewhip that hangs on the back of the doorknob. I saw it just about the same time hubby reached over to grab it. I proceeded to move away, but of course he was quick. He ordered me to remove the rest of my clothes. He said, you want to be ugly? I will take care of that attitude right now. This time he ordered me to lay across the bed and place my hands above my head. THAT got my attention. My adrenalin was flowing. He was NOT, I repeat NOT playing. He stood up and raised that whip and brought it down on my bottom. I cried out on impact. He said:" Am I playing now?" "Does this FEEL like I am playing?"
and with that another 5-6 quick hard smacks were delivered to my bottom. I stood up. Very stupid mistake. He ordered back on to the bed and told me to never ever get up before he has given me permission to do so. I was actually shaking by this point. Not because I was afraid of him, he was not yelling, or acting out of control, but he certainly was not backing down. It was at this precise moment, that I realized the unspoken words.... he was providing me with a punishment spanking.
While it was not announced, one would have to be completely stupid to not recognize his intent.
It was then that I cried. Not just tears flowing, but a true, my heart is breaking kind of cry.

I recognized that this entire time I had been orchestrating the dynamics of our lifestyle. Pushing him to do things my way. When all the time, he was doing things his way. It was "I" that needed to begin to follow and accept his way of doing things. Geesh... how hard can this really be to get? I needed to relinquish all control and go with the flow. He then put me over his knee, and still using the whip, delivered quite a few more stinging, painful smacks to my bottom. Just when I thought he was done, he switched to his hand and spanked some more. Few words were spoken during this exchange or was this "our dance?" but there was a lot of emotions going on. At one point I looked him in the eye, and noted a hint of tears in his eyes. At that moment "I knew he got me." He completed the spanking, told me to get in bed, think about what had occurred, and to get some sleep. He required nothing further from me that night.

I awoke the next morning with a strange sense of calmness. I quit guessing what he was thinking.
I quit trying to explain, justify or defend my needs. I knew without question deep down in my heart where he stands on this issue. I felt loved, understood and connected. The lines of communication are open, I just choose to not overwhelm him with chatter, but simply state what my needs are in the moment. He.... has been more free in his communication and his expectations. I know when I am falling....He will be there to catch me and will do so in his way which will ultimately meet my needs.
And so we move forward 5 more steps?

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Leading and following is like dancing.

I have decided that Dd is alot like dancing. In order to be successful at both, both partners need to understand the dynamics of how one leads and one follows in order to be successful.  I was never very good at dancing, so this likely explains my struggles right now. I think hubby leads well, it‘s just that there are times when it is hard for me to see that he is leading... or is it just that in the moment, it is I that is choosing to ignore that he is leading. Following is equally as challenging. There are times when I can easily follow even if just for a short while. Most of the time I find myself falling all over the place because either I don't recognize the need to follow or I am just being stubborn and choose not to follow. Either way things don't end up well.

I have been pondering a statement made earlier this week from another blogger, submission must come from the heart. I have really been trying to let this sink in for many reasons. In our home, my hubby has made it quite clear that submission and obedience from me must be freely given. He will not spank to get this from me. I did not understand this until this week. He wants this to come from my heart, a gift freely and willingly given to him. He is right, sadly it is I that continues to struggle.

A part of me can accept all of this, I can even occasionally manage to allow this to naturally  occur, there are other times when I have to work very hard to make this happen. There are times when I am giving from my heart, that is not necessarily recognized or even acknowledged that I am doing this. It‘s like I need a major award to be given for goodness sake. I should just be satisfied in knowing I am doing what is right and that I am meeting his expectations. But no... that does not provide me with satisfaction, and thus a viscious cycle starts over.

We appear to be at an impass right now. I need boundaries, he does not feel the need to introduce these, and will react when he deems it is necessary. This can be frustrating to me that he picks and chooses at his convenience. He tells me this is his perogative.

Yesterday I asked if he enjoyed spanking and why. He said he did because he knows it brings me pleasure ( good girl spankings) also because he simply knows I need them to keep me in balance.  I asked what he thought about discipline spankings, he said he has done those when it is warranted, he might not have announced it as such, but I should have been able to tell the difference. Believe it ir not, not necessarily so. I need to be told... you failed to do such and such and now you will be punished. It's like a lightswitch needs to be turned on in my head to make the connection, if it isn't, the lesson is not learned, and therefore I believe this is why I fail to progress.

 Hubby tells me I am over analyzing the entire situation and I just need to go with the flow. Easy for him, he is a free spirit, me not so much so. Things are very much black and white for me. Perhaps I just need to appreciate what we have and where we are in the moment. When I do reflect deeper, it does appear I am trying to orchestrate our dynamics. My expectations in my head are just those. Hubby has read enough of what I have sent him. He is intelligent. I know he understands what I feel is important. He is doing things his way.
That is what it is about. For now unfortunately, as bad as this will sound, for the first time ever, I have this overwhelming need to "test" him and see what will happen. Now I know this is not the correct manner in which to approach this as I am sure many of you will be quick to point out. It is just where my head is at right now. This is not being submissive or obedient. This will not please him. Feeling this way and wanting to be this way is the exact opposite of what the dd lifestyle is about. Right now, it is I that needs to get a handle on my feelings. So no new revelation here, just continuing to work through this process and my expectations.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Baby steps vs Giant Leap

We continue to move ahead in our dd relationship. I completely get the fact that my hubby understands my need to be spanked regardless of the reasons and he is happy or so I think  he is, to deliver. What is the issue? I am not entirely sure. For one, the last several times he has spanked, the complete reality of what I have asked of him has literally hit home. The worst part for me? I can not stay in position and accept what he is giving. Not staying in place and making all kinds of remarks in the moment, is not submitting to the spanking being delivered. Does this mean my inner defiant spirit is fighting this? If so, what is this saying about me? I can talk the talk, but sure can't walk the walk.

I know I have attitude, I don't yet see an ounce of true submission or obedience unless.. it is preceeded by some indication from him that a spanking will be forthcomming unless I comply. Most of you know his true expectation is that I am to be submissive and obedient without him having to spank to get these results. I do understand this on one level but right now unfortunately and embarrassingly to admit, I just can't seem to get there without knowing I will be spanked unless I do not comply. Why can I just not comply with his expectations of me? Well.. there have been moments when I am submissive just because, and when he tells me to go to bed, I no longer argue, I follow through. And these are simple requests. It's just that these are few and far between. Is this how it starts?

I did some reading today that led my thoughts to the fact that while I have said in some blogs he has reached my heart and my mind while spanking, in some instances he did, I think there is a part of me that is not yet convinced that he is spanking with a purpose in mind. He has told me he does not need to explain his actions, it is up to me to accept and submit to his actions. Is it really as simple as this?

So baby steps we are taking, at least I am. If any of you could meet my hubby and actually talk with him about this dynamic, you would know in a heartbeat that he "gets this whole thing" I continue to struggle perhaps because we don't have true boundaries and often I feel like I am out here alone. I am a person who analizes most everything and this is no different. There is still a part of me who keeps waiting to take the giant leap and accept a full fledged spanking without all of the shinanagans. My mind wants to connect the dots. Inappropriate behavior, thought, word or deed=consequences. I asked for this and now I need to accept and learn the lesson.

I am curious how many of you feel the same way? Do you need to be advised of your boundaries or do you just go with the flow? Sometimes I feel as though I am in this on my own, while hubby is happy to spank, I am not sure if he understands that I am expecting him to "teach and yes correct" my behavior. I recognize I am a grown women and should understand how to behave and accept his leadership. Sometimes I feel like a burden wanting this lifestyle. That is not the message I want to send. I expect this lifestyle will only make us stronger and will get me to the place of his expected submission and obedience without him having to spank to get me there. So for now, it feels like 3 steps forward and 10 steps back with no true growth in my behavior. It is a sad feeling at present.

It is sad that it requires so much to get me there. Looks like I have more soul searching to do.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

This is your day sir!

There are many days that are celebrated during the year. It only seems appropriate that you sir, have a
day that is designated just for you. Today is HOH day of honor and recognition.
Why you ask? Well there are so very many reasons that I could list, but there wouldn't be enough space to hold all of those thoughts here on our blog space, and I know how you feel about reading!! LOL....

How does one truly begin to give thanks to the man that means the most to me? We have truly spent our entire life learning to live with one another. We started out oh so very young and as the song says.. Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk, Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard. We lived and learned, life threw curves, there was joy and there was hurt, Remember when... we both know the rest of the song.. Remember when thirty seemed so old, Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone to where we are, where we've been, said we'd do it all again.. Remember when...We won't be sad, we'll be glad for all the life we've had...and we'll remember when.

Well I remember the first site of you, our first date, our first kiss, and yes our first time making love.
I remember how you have always made me your priority in every decision that has been made. I remember your strength, your protection, your wisdom and your guidance. I remember your sense of humor, the way you can make me laugh, the way you can make my world right when sorrows came along. I remember all the many years of hard work to provide for my every need and my hearts desires. I remember the many times when you go without so that I do not have to go without.
When you start out young as we did and grow old together there are many "I remember moments"

Your willingness and dedication to meeting the needs of our relationship as Head of our Home, is the number one reason that I know that we have been blessed with such a wonderful long term relationship. While there have been times when it has not been easy, and you have had to lead with a firm hand, I always have been secure in the knowledge that you have had me, you have had us, and that I am loved. Thank you sir... for meeting all of my heart's  desires. You are forever in my heart and I am thankful for God's wisdom in providing me with a man of strength, a man of protection and
for giving me my knight in shining armor.   All my love.... Forever yours