Once again I find myself here pondering the way I am feeling in the moment. As always by mid week, I begin to feel frustrated, angry, tired and overwhelmed with keeping up with the demands of my job. My weeks start out well with me in a good frame of mind, and my heart in a soft place. This past week was no different, in fact, it was much better because of the great day we had shared on Sunday.
Predictably, by mid-week, I found myself emotionally drained, becomming short with my temper and non too pleasant with my responses toward my hubby. It was like watching myself through a glass window. I could see everything unfolding, knew it was not right, yet made no moves to correct my own behavior.
Hubby on the other hand, I could tell, was sensing my frustration and made a couple of "playful" attempts at spanking me to make me feel better I presume. Each time, I pushed him away telling him I didn't find it funny or helpful in the moment. He said... who's laughing, apparently you need some tension relief. I said, what I need is some sleep and for this "craziness" with my job to stop. He let it go and my week progressed. And so I continued to struggle through the week, and ended up completely frustrated and exhausted.
Saturday morning, hubby tried spanking again, and yep once again I pushed him away, and said I wanted to be left alone. I needed to go to work with him at our own business but had no more energy left to give. I think he knew this as he told me to stay home and get some rest. I didn't argue the issue. Shortly after he left, I found myself in tears, tired, disconnected and yes damm it, wanted to be spanked. I had not given hubby much time of day the entire week, in fact pushed him away, and distanced myself from him and just generally wasn't at all the loving supportive wife I should and want to be. So I texted him, and simply said that I needed a reset spanking of some sort to get me back into my comfort zone. Asking for this caused the dam to break and I cried for nearly an hour. I was so embarrassed at having to admit and ask for this from him. He too, works very hard each day to make our business successful. He always has on his happy face even when things get hard. He always makes time for me, for us. He always gives so much of himself and asks for nothing in return.
What I saw in me....was ugly. Selfish, uncaring, concern for my needs only.
So what do I need? I need for my behavior to be corrected. Sadly... I need a spanking. Oddly...hubby already knew this mid-week. So today.. I am thinking we will need to be talking about what happened, how to avoid this moving forward, and I am guessing that spanking that I should have had mid week, will be occuring today. What I expect, is that there will be something I can learn from this and that my heart will be back in it's soft place again.