Saturday, February 4, 2017

Sir's thoughts on marriage

So yesterday, I am busily working away on my computer taking care of work things, and Sir is sitting behind me reading the newspaper. Suddenly he shared with me a thought he had after reviewing how many marriage licenses had been issued and how many marriage dissolutions had been awarded. Humm he says.. very sad. Only 1 marriage license issued but 43 couples are now divorced. That is so sad and there is a way that in most instances would resolve most marriages from failing. My ears went up. I was in "listening mode"
Sir went on.. I think all couples should be required to attend a class where the men are taught what it is to lead in  their homes and ladies are taught how to be submissive to their husbands. All it takes is one simple ruler. I would have the men write their name at the bottom of the ruler in permanent marker. They would then pass the ruler to their partner and the ladies would be told to write their name on the ruler at the opposite end and return the ruler to their men.
He goes on to say as the instructor he would then tell the ladies in the class to stand up, face the table, pull down their panties and bend over the table.
While he is certain they would protest and ask many questions, they would be reminded to do as they are told and they would soon learn the reason why. Next, men would be told to stand up & pick up their ruler and place their hand on the end where they had signed their name. They would then be told to take 3 steps back and firmly swing smacking the bare bottom of their lady with the end that they had signed making sure to leave a lasting impression on their bottoms and leaving no question in the ladies minds as to who would be in charge of their home moving ahead.
Wow!  I just started giggling... well pretty much out right laughing. I looked at Sir and while he chuckled along with my laughter, suddenly he grew silent and said he really wasn't kidding. I stopped laughing and continued to listen. He said if more couples started their relationships out in this manner there would definitely be less turmoil and much more happiness in their homes after all it has worked for us hasn't it? Well.. yes I quietly said. "I can't hear you he said." I looked him in the eyes and said "yes sir, it has." Good he says, that's what I thought. See it is very simple really. Men lead, ladies are to follow. It's not that hard. If ladies make it hard, well that's their choice. Men have the means and capability to take matters into their own hands and resolve those issues. With that he got up to take care of some work in another room leaving me to think over this conversation.
I felt as though I had just experienced a revelation into what Sir really does think about TTWD all without me having to hold an "official conversation" It is perfectly clear to me that what we have been doing for all of these many years has been intentional at least on his part even though neither one of us knew there was an "official term" for TTWD. Sir is a "natural" born HOH. How lucky am I really? The rest of our day went well until we were leaving for the night. It had snowed all day, and as we were clearing the truck for our departure, I thought I had done what was needed so I hopped inside to get warm. Sir gets inside and says, "get back out and check that windshield wiper and be sure it is not stuck to the window." Well my halo fell off as I snapped back, "it's not stuck to the window, I just brushed away some of the fluffiest snow ever. We are good." Silence. I looked over at Sir and he had leaned over real close to me. He said.. "what was that?" I repeated myself quite huffily. He then said very quietly... I don't think that was the right response. I wasn't asking you your opinion, I was telling you to check the windshield wiper so we are good to go. Am I not making myself clear?  I stopped suddenly. Yes, he was now perfectly clear now that he had my attention. I got back out and did as he asked and while the wiper was not stuck, I had checked it as asked and we were ready to head home. Lesson learned.

On to this morning. I awoke early on purpose to take care of some things before the next storm hits us today as we would not be getting home until late. In the process, I locked myself out of the house while Sir was in the shower. I was in my bathrobe and slippers and it was quite cold outside. I found the spare keys in the garage and was able to let myself back in. By then though I was rattled, frustrated and getting rather sassy. Sir asked me what I had been doing. Well... the flood gates opened.
Never a good thing when this happens as not only will I relay my current displeasure but always manage to add a thing or to that really has no relevance to the current situation. Sir listened as he continued to get ready for the day. Occasionally adding a comment or two and laughing a bit. He asked if I had learned something here. Yes I said all not to nicely. "Be very sure you have a spare key. "
He says.. "try again" looking at me quite intently. Suddenly I became quiet. Ummm, perhaps not going outside of the house in my bathrobe and slippers in the snow and cold? Yes he said. No apologies or anything like he was sorry that had happened to me or anything. I turned and walked into the bedroom and proceeded to get ready. Already undressed, I heard Sir enter the room and turned to look at him.
There he stood with his HOH stick. I now hate this arts and crafts project he had me make last year.
Quietly he said.. put your hands in front of you and bend over the bed now. I looked at him and said "I don't think that's necessary. I haven't done anything wrong really, in fact I am the one that is having a hard morning." Uh-huh he says, and that is exactly why you are finding yourself in this situation. Now do as I say right now. Over the bed I went and he definitely put some swing behind that stick. After he had done what was needed he stopped. I thought I was ok, but when I came up I just couldn't stop myself from flailing my hands. Back over he orders me. Apparently you didn't receive or accept my actions. Your being very defiant right now. Oh goodness. Nothing I said was changing his mind. So back over I went and he started over again. When he was done, he asked if I was ready to start the day over again with a fresh attitude. "Yes sir" I simply said. I finished getting ready but noted in the bathroom mirror that my bottom had many bright red marks across it. I came into the bedroom and told Sir what I had noted. All Sir said was good. My message I expect has been received. Yes Sir it has. And so... what a week I have had. Working on listening and learning what TTWD looks like for us. As we drove into work, I reflected upon the several things I had learned over the past two days. I was feeling appreciative for Sir's guidance. I turned to him and thanked him for his insight and help over the past two days. He said.. you are very welcome Whatever it takes to help you.
I truly love my Sir.





Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Hiding out and then Break through......

After my first post of 2017, this is me. I sort of went into my hiding place. I needed some space and time to think things through. I thought I had communicated effectively some of my concerns but honestly felt that some that responded were frustrated and so naturally going into my defensive mode... I felt hurt and shut down. I have since then given careful thought to those responses and also spent some time in quiet reflection.
This is me with nearly every conversation that Sir and I have. Really you say? Yes. Our conversations almost always end with me saying just this. I feel like Sir is yelling at me with his responses but if you were to ask him, he says he is simply having a discussion. How can two people be so much on opposite ends of a conversation and feel so differently about what has transpired?
So I have read over and over again how important communication is with TTWD.  We do not have such good communication. Or rather from Sir's perspective... there is no respectful communication.
I thought about that statement for awhile and today.... I carefully asked Sir if he had a moment to answer a few short questions. And he did, and here is what I learned from listening to his responses.
My question was simple.... Please tell me what Respectful Communication means to you.
His response... "Accepting the answer I give you is final"  Goodness. I had to swallow hard there.
Guilty as charged. I can truthfully say that no matter what we are discussing, large or small issues, I always have to have the last say. I got a bit teary eyed as he said this very matter of fact like. I felt like a devine revelation had just been sent my way. I then asked.. Sir how can you tell whether respectful communication is going on between us. Sir responds simply.. body language & tone.
You mean like this? I think in my head..... or perhaps this......
How many times in our 40+ year relationship have I heard Sir say this to me and I just keep ignoring him? Sadly more times than I care to admit to.
Then I found this saying.... very appropriate. It's not necessarily been about our differences with our conflicts but more like the wrong tone of voice that is used in handling these conflicts. Just a quick thought here as I process this statement.. I am more likely to be guilty of this.. but what happens when you believe your HOH is also guilty of this? I asked Sir this question and he does not feel in most instances he is guilty. He states that once he raises his voice it is because I have tuned him out and am not responding to his statement. Humm. so two wrongs do not make a right I am thinking.... but I stay silent to learn a bit more.


So just as I am thinking through this information, Sir says... it is not what you are saying to me it is
your tone of voice and how you are saying it that is the issue. More information for me to think about. Right now I am really practicing active listening skills here.
Then I find this little reminder.... I think the picture is becoming ever so clear to me now. 65% of what is perceived in a conversation comes from non verbal cues we are sending whether intentional or not. Ok I buy that and am willing to admit that maybe 50% of the time my non-verbal cues are intentional as I am frustrated, but to be fair, there is probably 50% of the time when I may not be aware that I am providing negative non-verbal cues that Sir does not appreciate.
As I continue to think about what Sir has just said..my thoughts are interrupted with this statement from him. If you are to be submissive, you can not be the boss. You must be open to hear what is being said and not try to change my mind."  Oh my.. those were some of the most powerful words I have heard in a very long time.
Ok. So now I am feeling emotional. So I simply thanked him for answering my questions but now
I need to remain calm and think things through. I truly felt this less then 10 minute talk we had gave me so much information to process.
Ok. I picked this picture just because Meredith frequently recommends "leaning in" I think I now understand what she means here, side note here.. wished we looked as young as this couple!!
So today this was a good conversation for us and went well because I purposefully practiced every good listening skill I had and managed to keep my mouth closed.
So I will need much help in the upcoming weeks to practice the art of keeping my mouth closed and my ears open in order to learn a bit more about Sir's preferences.
Saw this today and felt it was most appropriate. Interesting to note that communication and trust are listed here as one of many things that help make a happy marriage. Thought you might enjoy this saying as well.
Ok... so while I have been quiet for awhile, of course playful, silly little spankings are still occurring in our house. We, too, of course have a croc pot full of wonderful cooking utensils and the one above is Sir's most favorite to grab when in reach. Recently after a quick little session in the kitchen I asked Sir why did he always have to grab this one? He stopped and said with the most serious of all expressions.. it's quite simple.. this has weight, width, length and most importantly.. "swingability"
Is that even a word I wondered. Anyway.. just thought I would share that laughable moment with all of you even at the expense of a sore bottom for the day.

So to end this post, my goal for at least this week is to watch my "tone of voice as well as my body language." I know it won't be easy after a lifetime of doing what I have been doing. Since Sir and I don't typically sit down for official conversations as some of you might do, I may just find some of the answers I may be looking for just asking thoughtful questions when the time is right.
If you have made it to the end of this long post without falling asleep I appreciate your staying with me. As always I welcome your feedback if you relate to these same issues.


Friday, January 6, 2017

New Year 2017 !!

Well I realize I am 6 days late in getting started with my 2017 posts. It was a wild and crazy time the entire month of December and into New Year's Eve. I do want to start out saying Happy New Year to all of you and I wish all of you a healthy, happy and loving New Year.

I do not do resolutions as I am very poor at keeping them. I do want to set a goal for this year now that I actually have time to give attention to meeting any set goal I may have. I have been giving much thought as to what this goal will be as I want for it to have meaning and growth for me.

I have decided to do my best in following my husband's lead whether I am in agreement or not. That is going to be a very hard one to meet as I just can not seem to keep my thoughts to myself which very frequently leads to arguments. Apparently, what I am able to get from him is that this is a very
important issue for him. He truly expects me to do as I am asked without question. Now that doesn't mean that we can not discuss issues, but for the majority of the time, he really, really does not like it when I have to add my two cents in every conversation.



 So I have tried for over 4 years now to explain why I feel a domestic discipline relationship would benefit us. I think the problem is how my husband views this and how I think it should look along with the fact that I read too many books and I am wondering if I have a "fantasy" idea going on in my head about this whole DD situation. Perhaps this is why I at times do not feel he understands.
Most of you that have been following me know that we have had some kind of spanking going on in our home since we were dating in high school. Now married 40 + years it is still going on but not in the manner that I am craving or feel it should be. You also know that hubby is not much of a talker, or if he does, he is limited in his explanations as he feels there is not much to discuss really, he just does what he does when he feels it is necessary which in some cases can lead me to believe he is playing a game for kicks and grins and not for the objective of improving our relationship.
I sent him a "brief" email from me trying to once again spell things out and asked for him to take the lead here, he has yet to acknowledge he has read it, but I know he probably has. So what's a gal to do at this point? I am not unhappy, I am feeling lost and left out from what I think should be going on.

Ok. So hubby acts like he knows his role just fine, and really doesn't care to discuss it. I am certain I
need help in knowing and understanding my role and being held accountable but I can't seem to get him to see it in this same way. I have asked for his help, but I don't see that he really follows through with correcting behaviors and issues he really doesn't like and would benefit us both if these things were corrected. I think I am just about done trying to explain it to him as it seems like I am pushing him away each time I bring things up for discussion.
Ok. So he is suppose to be the HOH right? In most cases I would say he is and for that I am grateful. Of course there are times when I want to argue issues and have my way. I don't usually win those arguments but we are both miserable and just shut down and this could be resolved following a true DD relationship I believe.
I wish we could just sit down and talk this out, but the fact is.. hubby just isn't the talking kind.
I want to clearly know his expectations and be held accountable so that I can be the woman he really wants me to be. Things have gotten to the point where this is what I think about a good portion of my day and sometimes it makes me sad that we can't just simply sit down and talk this over and make a plan to move ahead in some kind of official  manner. Then again, sometimes actions speak louder than words and maybe that is the approach that is needed but I am doubtful I will get there on my own or after 40+ years I would already be there right? So.....  am not sure where we are headed at this time. I do know I am feeling frustrated with what my perception of what I want and expect and what is really happening in our home. I would welcome any words of wisdom to help me get a handle on how I am feeling and or how to better approach my husband so the lines of communication can be
opened up and we can move ahead. I hope that it is not a lost cause at this time. I look forward to any and all feedback.


Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Naughty or Nice? Who is keeping the list?

Christmas. My favorite time of the year. I particularly am enjoying this year since I am only working in our business. However, this is one of the very busiest times of the year for us which is why I have had no time for posting this month.
Of course, many things can be said for this time of the year. Above is an actual picture of a saying that I have in my living room. One morning Sir decided to lay his large wooden spoon in front of it
just so I could see it when I came down the stairs.
He said I had been a naughty girl, and needed to have some correction time over his lap so I could settle down and get through the remainder of our month. I asked for "specifics" Nope. None to be
shared. He simply said he is keeping a list and checking it twice to determine if I was naughty or nice. He also said something to the effect that my bottom was soon to be as red as Rudolph's nose!!
Oh goodness.. Ouch and ouch....
Well a lot of what has been said in our home lately has been for kicks and grins, but he definitely has used that wooden spoon a time or two to get his messages across. Regardless of how busy we are he always makes time to get his points across.  Still not much "official talking" going on here about TTWD.  I am just slipping in a question or two every so often to see if I can get a sense of how he
really feels. That post will follow in the New Year when I have more time.

In the meantime.....
I want to wish all of my blogland friends and your families a very Merry Christmas season


Friday, November 18, 2016

Thankfulness & Gratitude and I am on a mission.....


 
 So before too much more time gets away and we are all caught up with our family and friends for the Thanksgiving holidays, I would like to take this time to say a very special thank you to each one of you here in blog land for the kindness and support you have shown me this past year despite the many up's and downs. Know that I wish all of you safe travels and time spent with your family and friends that will bring you joy, laughter and fun. Thanksgiving often turns our hearts towards a spirit of gratitude.
I do find that when I spend more time reflecting on the things I am truly grateful for in my life, my attitude definitely changes and I have a softer approach and outlook in my life. That should include Sir as well. So this Thanksgiving, I am going to set aside some time to write down all the many things I am thankful for and grateful for in having Sir as my husband for 40 years. I am hopeful in doing so it will soften my heart, quite my mind down and help me to prepare myself for active communication that I am hopeful will occur and I can do so with active listening skills.


Are you listening to me? Do you hear what I am saying?



So I saw this quote and it hit home with me. How often has Sir said to me that he does not like or
appreciate my "tone?" Well now that I think about it, he says this nearly every conversation. I think in my haste to be heard I just talk right over him which must have to sound disrespectful and most likely he in fact tunes me out which is why I never feel heard. So.. in order to begin to see change it is I that needs to initiate the change beginning with my approach. Here is where I sure could use some feedback from any of you that find yourselves in a similar situation. How do you approach your partner when you have something of significance on your mind so that they are willing to take the time to sit down and hear you out? How do you keep things from spiraling out of control?

So for the most part, I feel my husband is a good leader, sometimes I don't see it until way after the fact, but more often than not he is right in his decisions. I saw this quote and I really want to reflect on this a bit longer. "The part about even if he is not leading the way I want him to".... Guilty as charged here ladies. I think I don't often give him enough credit for just being him, whether or not I am in agreement. That can't be good for his morale. I need to spend more time building him up than trying to get my own way. That will take time to practice and execute for sure.

So this Thanksgiving, I want to focus on all the things I am truly grateful for with Sir. The things he does are truly amazing to me, and they do make my heart happy and full. I want to learn to be appreciative where we are in the moment. But.. I do want him to hear how much better I think things can be for us both if we are truly following a TTWD lifestyle. Perhaps, I will just simply ask him what he thinks TTWD looks like to him, put duct tape across my mouth if I have to in order to let him say what he needs to say and I need to fully listen. Perhaps in doing so I will actually gain some insight as to where we are and where we might be heading.


I am hopeful in the end, we will look more like this, closer together with a much clearer understanding of where we are and where we are headed. Stay tuned.. I will fill you in on how this goes after Thanksgiving.











LOL 2016

Calling all Lurkers.... I was once a lurker and did so for many months before reaching out to a blogger and developed a friendship that I did not expect. Finally after much encouragement, I decided
to develop my own blog sight if nothing more than to document my journey on TTWD.

Are you lurking around out there? If so, come on in and pull up a chair and let's get to know a bit about one another. It is a great way to break the ice, dip your toe in and see how you feel about perhaps opening up to others that have and are going through some of the very same issues you may be going through.

I have shared before that many a friendships are found here in blogland, non-judgmental, open, honest and supportive feedback. While there are at times some tears and frustrations here, more often than not, there is fun and laughter as we help each other through the good and difficult times.

So feel free to leave a comment or two, let me get to know you, or if you still prefer to remain anonymous that is perfectly fine too.

Thanks for stopping by my sight. I hope you have found some of the postings here helpful to you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

New look, New changes, New life

A very big thank you to all of you that responded to yesterday's post. What a difference a day can make.
I made a decision to try to freshen up my blog site and at the same time after visiting some of your
sites again, I was able to delete some very old blogs that actually were no longer active and I believe
I was able to update my blog roll with current bloggers that should make things a bit easier moving
forward.
So with that, please pull up a chair and stay awhile won't you?
 So what I really wish is that I could have friendships in this lifestyle that really were like being in real life time. I would love to have one or more of you over to pull up a chair and sit down and talk
about TTWD over coffee, tea or a cappuccino whichever you prefer.
I love all of these warm drinks particularly at this time of the year. I find them very comforting.
This is how I imagine myself looking these days. Alone, thinking things over in my head about TTWD and are Sir and I really doing TTWD? Or.. are we just doing what we have always done throughout our lifetime. Does it really matter or not? Well apparently somewhere deep down inside of me it does matter. Why is it so important for me to "define" TTWD? That's a challenging question at best. If you were to ask Sir about this process, he see's no issues at all, and is just fine with how things are going although he would appreciate a bit more cooperation from me particularly in my conversations, my tone, & my argumentative attitude. Ok. I can accept that statement. But.. I thought that  is what TTWD really was about, to help alleviate those things that your partner could do without right? In our home we have never set boundaries or rules per se... Sir just takes action as he see's fit and sometimes for no apparent reason other than the fact "he can" as I was told last night.
Me... I need discussions, boundaries, rules and consequences in order to improve. Clearly we have differences of opinion on how TTWD works for us. Sir tells me I "overthink" things way too much for his liking. Inside my head I think and feel that he just doesn't want to talk things out in the same way I do. Is it worth it to rock the boat and try to get Sir to see things from my perspective? Not sure about that one right now.

So I constantly feel I am being pulled this way, or that way or another way whenever I read about TTWD in general, or even when I read blogs from all of you. I do my best to not compare but reality is I do. And in doing so, I feel less confident each day that Sir and I have a TTWD relationship.
Just admitting that alone brings me sadness. Now don't misunderstand me here.. Spankings in our household have been going on for a very long time. GG spankings, playful spankings, erotic spankings, extremely rare if ever are discipline spankings. I should be grateful right? At least Sir has always been willing to deliver on the much needed and deeply craved spanking part regardless of the reasons. But here in lies the issue I believe. My mind has not accepted that Sir is ok with this as things are, but I, on the other hand, feels there has to be more to TTWD. Sadly, I believe it is the lack of communication that we do not have with regards to this issue. I feel if I were to persist in trying to get my thoughts across, it would push Sir away and we might lose what we already have. I am not certain if I am getting my thoughts out here in a way that any of you can relate to, but I am doing my best.
I saw this quote today, and I think it sums things up from my perspective. I am not a very good listener and am always thinking of what I am going to say to Sir whenever he is speaking to me.
It is not a good quality to have hence I believe is the reason we can find ourselves in a heated argument in 2.5 seconds or less over the simplest of things. Maybe it is because I don't care to understand Sir's side of a situation whether he is right or wrong. I simply want to be heard.
It certainly would be more courteous of me to at least truly listen and try to understand Sir's thoughts, before responding. Maybe, just maybe that is the starting point for us.
 So I then saw this quote that spoke to me. Perhaps in the desire and attempt to change TTWD for us, so that it is more effective and meaningful for us both but particularly me, I need to go within my heart and find out why TTWD is so important to me, what is it that I want from a TTWD lifestyle besides the spanking part.. ok that was hard to admit but it is what it is ladies. I think to answer that question will take a bit more reflection. So perhaps I will save that for my next post.

Getting back into the swing of things here in blogland, I am reminded by many that this weekend is this year's.....
And so...  welcome.. any and all new and old bloggers to stop by and say a quick hello if you wish.
This blogland thing is often challenging, but what it really is.. is an opportunity to make new friends with others who have the same fears, concerns and questions about TTWD. While there are occasional tears and frustration shared here, more often than not, there is fun, and laughter found here and a sense of belonging. I invite you to pull up a chair here and feel free to leave a comment if you wish. I would welcome the opportunity to meet new bloggers or just answer a question or two if you would like. Until next time... I am truly thankful for my blogland friends. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where my steps lead me.