Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Update... 2 steps forward and 10 steps backward

 So... February has been a time in our house to work on listening and doing what has been asked with an improved attitude. What has really happened? Sad to say... I have been soundly spanked at least daily and on occasion more than once in the same day.
Yep, this is me. (wished I looked this good) either found myself over Sir's lap, bent over the bed, bent over the table, bent over the chair, bent over the kitchen sink and yes.. bent over my car. What is so unusual about this? Sir has suddenly taken off and is acting quickly and decisively with any behavior that is not to his liking. One minute things seem to be just fine, the next, I will see "the look" followed by a quick order to bring him an implement and bend over.

So I have faced the penalty for ongoing failure to comply with Sir's expectations even if I didn't necessarily realize what I was doing. Well ok.. in hindsight relooking at most situations after the fact I could see where I went wrong.

Once again, sassiness, raised voice, no response at all to Sir and his questions, oops.. ( shhhh name calling on one occasion) not being thoughtful or responsive to his requests, argumentative and just plain being stubborn and hot tempered has landed me in these situations and justifiably so.

The above Items I have been on the receiving end way too many times this month. Sir now has me get him the implement that he will use and bring it to him. I used to think that was odd when I read about that in books, not so much so now. There is a humbling and reflective attitude that comes in doing so that speaks volumes to me. One such incident I asked Sir to explain "why" he was spanking.
His answer.. " Because it is in your best interest and I will let the spanking speak for itself. When I am done I am quite certain there will be no question left in your mind what the issue was and what will be expected of you moving forward" Are we both clear on this? Well what does one say to that exactly?
So while I am certain I have many things to continue working on... it is my mouth that gets me in trouble every single time. I don't know yet when to stop speaking, stop arguing and simply do as I am told. I do find when I purposefully practice simply saying "yes sir" things go oh so much better, but I really have to work very hard at this. So rather than grasp at all the many things I am sure I need to work on.. the first is to control my responses and my conversations. Yes...this involves listening to Sir and accepting his leadership without feeling I have to add my 2 cents into every conversation.
So, I continue to struggle with watching "my tone" If any of you other ladies struggle with this same issue, I would welcome your feedback as to the things you do to stay in check and out of hot water.
As for right now, there are only two ways in our house that work. The right way which pleases Sir, and the wrong way which I tend to do most days even though I am working hard to improve here.
Despite some very heated discussions in our home this month and not to mention a very frequently heated and sore bottom, we are slowly finding our way here through TTWD. It's hard I won't lie.
Relinquishing control is very hard when you are a strong willed person like myself. I will keep trying, & I will persevere because I do want Sir to be happy and I want us to  succeed with TTWD.
And so.... Listening, communicating and accepting consequences are where we are at this time.
And on a brighter note....
 Spring is officially 4 weeks ahead. Something to look forward to after this bitterly cold and snowy winter. I don't know about you, but I, for one, am looking forward to a change in the season.
In the meantime, I will try very hard to behave and stay out of trouble. Wish me luck on that one!!

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Sir's thoughts on marriage

So yesterday, I am busily working away on my computer taking care of work things, and Sir is sitting behind me reading the newspaper. Suddenly he shared with me a thought he had after reviewing how many marriage licenses had been issued and how many marriage dissolutions had been awarded. Humm he says.. very sad. Only 1 marriage license issued but 43 couples are now divorced. That is so sad and there is a way that in most instances would resolve most marriages from failing. My ears went up. I was in "listening mode"
Sir went on.. I think all couples should be required to attend a class where the men are taught what it is to lead in  their homes and ladies are taught how to be submissive to their husbands. All it takes is one simple ruler. I would have the men write their name at the bottom of the ruler in permanent marker. They would then pass the ruler to their partner and the ladies would be told to write their name on the ruler at the opposite end and return the ruler to their men.
He goes on to say as the instructor he would then tell the ladies in the class to stand up, face the table, pull down their panties and bend over the table.
While he is certain they would protest and ask many questions, they would be reminded to do as they are told and they would soon learn the reason why. Next, men would be told to stand up & pick up their ruler and place their hand on the end where they had signed their name. They would then be told to take 3 steps back and firmly swing smacking the bare bottom of their lady with the end that they had signed making sure to leave a lasting impression on their bottoms and leaving no question in the ladies minds as to who would be in charge of their home moving ahead.
Wow!  I just started giggling... well pretty much out right laughing. I looked at Sir and while he chuckled along with my laughter, suddenly he grew silent and said he really wasn't kidding. I stopped laughing and continued to listen. He said if more couples started their relationships out in this manner there would definitely be less turmoil and much more happiness in their homes after all it has worked for us hasn't it? Well.. yes I quietly said. "I can't hear you he said." I looked him in the eyes and said "yes sir, it has." Good he says, that's what I thought. See it is very simple really. Men lead, ladies are to follow. It's not that hard. If ladies make it hard, well that's their choice. Men have the means and capability to take matters into their own hands and resolve those issues. With that he got up to take care of some work in another room leaving me to think over this conversation.
I felt as though I had just experienced a revelation into what Sir really does think about TTWD all without me having to hold an "official conversation" It is perfectly clear to me that what we have been doing for all of these many years has been intentional at least on his part even though neither one of us knew there was an "official term" for TTWD. Sir is a "natural" born HOH. How lucky am I really? The rest of our day went well until we were leaving for the night. It had snowed all day, and as we were clearing the truck for our departure, I thought I had done what was needed so I hopped inside to get warm. Sir gets inside and says, "get back out and check that windshield wiper and be sure it is not stuck to the window." Well my halo fell off as I snapped back, "it's not stuck to the window, I just brushed away some of the fluffiest snow ever. We are good." Silence. I looked over at Sir and he had leaned over real close to me. He said.. "what was that?" I repeated myself quite huffily. He then said very quietly... I don't think that was the right response. I wasn't asking you your opinion, I was telling you to check the windshield wiper so we are good to go. Am I not making myself clear?  I stopped suddenly. Yes, he was now perfectly clear now that he had my attention. I got back out and did as he asked and while the wiper was not stuck, I had checked it as asked and we were ready to head home. Lesson learned.

On to this morning. I awoke early on purpose to take care of some things before the next storm hits us today as we would not be getting home until late. In the process, I locked myself out of the house while Sir was in the shower. I was in my bathrobe and slippers and it was quite cold outside. I found the spare keys in the garage and was able to let myself back in. By then though I was rattled, frustrated and getting rather sassy. Sir asked me what I had been doing. Well... the flood gates opened.
Never a good thing when this happens as not only will I relay my current displeasure but always manage to add a thing or to that really has no relevance to the current situation. Sir listened as he continued to get ready for the day. Occasionally adding a comment or two and laughing a bit. He asked if I had learned something here. Yes I said all not to nicely. "Be very sure you have a spare key. "
He says.. "try again" looking at me quite intently. Suddenly I became quiet. Ummm, perhaps not going outside of the house in my bathrobe and slippers in the snow and cold? Yes he said. No apologies or anything like he was sorry that had happened to me or anything. I turned and walked into the bedroom and proceeded to get ready. Already undressed, I heard Sir enter the room and turned to look at him.
There he stood with his HOH stick. I now hate this arts and crafts project he had me make last year.
Quietly he said.. put your hands in front of you and bend over the bed now. I looked at him and said "I don't think that's necessary. I haven't done anything wrong really, in fact I am the one that is having a hard morning." Uh-huh he says, and that is exactly why you are finding yourself in this situation. Now do as I say right now. Over the bed I went and he definitely put some swing behind that stick. After he had done what was needed he stopped. I thought I was ok, but when I came up I just couldn't stop myself from flailing my hands. Back over he orders me. Apparently you didn't receive or accept my actions. Your being very defiant right now. Oh goodness. Nothing I said was changing his mind. So back over I went and he started over again. When he was done, he asked if I was ready to start the day over again with a fresh attitude. "Yes sir" I simply said. I finished getting ready but noted in the bathroom mirror that my bottom had many bright red marks across it. I came into the bedroom and told Sir what I had noted. All Sir said was good. My message I expect has been received. Yes Sir it has. And so... what a week I have had. Working on listening and learning what TTWD looks like for us. As we drove into work, I reflected upon the several things I had learned over the past two days. I was feeling appreciative for Sir's guidance. I turned to him and thanked him for his insight and help over the past two days. He said.. you are very welcome Whatever it takes to help you.
I truly love my Sir.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Hiding out and then Break through......

After my first post of 2017, this is me. I sort of went into my hiding place. I needed some space and time to think things through. I thought I had communicated effectively some of my concerns but honestly felt that some that responded were frustrated and so naturally going into my defensive mode... I felt hurt and shut down. I have since then given careful thought to those responses and also spent some time in quiet reflection.
This is me with nearly every conversation that Sir and I have. Really you say? Yes. Our conversations almost always end with me saying just this. I feel like Sir is yelling at me with his responses but if you were to ask him, he says he is simply having a discussion. How can two people be so much on opposite ends of a conversation and feel so differently about what has transpired?
So I have read over and over again how important communication is with TTWD.  We do not have such good communication. Or rather from Sir's perspective... there is no respectful communication.
I thought about that statement for awhile and today.... I carefully asked Sir if he had a moment to answer a few short questions. And he did, and here is what I learned from listening to his responses.
My question was simple.... Please tell me what Respectful Communication means to you.
His response... "Accepting the answer I give you is final"  Goodness. I had to swallow hard there.
Guilty as charged. I can truthfully say that no matter what we are discussing, large or small issues, I always have to have the last say. I got a bit teary eyed as he said this very matter of fact like. I felt like a devine revelation had just been sent my way. I then asked.. Sir how can you tell whether respectful communication is going on between us. Sir responds simply.. body language & tone.
You mean like this? I think in my head..... or perhaps this......
How many times in our 40+ year relationship have I heard Sir say this to me and I just keep ignoring him? Sadly more times than I care to admit to.
Then I found this saying.... very appropriate. It's not necessarily been about our differences with our conflicts but more like the wrong tone of voice that is used in handling these conflicts. Just a quick thought here as I process this statement.. I am more likely to be guilty of this.. but what happens when you believe your HOH is also guilty of this? I asked Sir this question and he does not feel in most instances he is guilty. He states that once he raises his voice it is because I have tuned him out and am not responding to his statement. Humm. so two wrongs do not make a right I am thinking.... but I stay silent to learn a bit more.

So just as I am thinking through this information, Sir says... it is not what you are saying to me it is
your tone of voice and how you are saying it that is the issue. More information for me to think about. Right now I am really practicing active listening skills here.
Then I find this little reminder.... I think the picture is becoming ever so clear to me now. 65% of what is perceived in a conversation comes from non verbal cues we are sending whether intentional or not. Ok I buy that and am willing to admit that maybe 50% of the time my non-verbal cues are intentional as I am frustrated, but to be fair, there is probably 50% of the time when I may not be aware that I am providing negative non-verbal cues that Sir does not appreciate.
As I continue to think about what Sir has just said..my thoughts are interrupted with this statement from him. If you are to be submissive, you can not be the boss. You must be open to hear what is being said and not try to change my mind."  Oh my.. those were some of the most powerful words I have heard in a very long time.
Ok. So now I am feeling emotional. So I simply thanked him for answering my questions but now
I need to remain calm and think things through. I truly felt this less then 10 minute talk we had gave me so much information to process.
Ok. I picked this picture just because Meredith frequently recommends "leaning in" I think I now understand what she means here, side note here.. wished we looked as young as this couple!!
So today this was a good conversation for us and went well because I purposefully practiced every good listening skill I had and managed to keep my mouth closed.
So I will need much help in the upcoming weeks to practice the art of keeping my mouth closed and my ears open in order to learn a bit more about Sir's preferences.
Saw this today and felt it was most appropriate. Interesting to note that communication and trust are listed here as one of many things that help make a happy marriage. Thought you might enjoy this saying as well.
Ok... so while I have been quiet for awhile, of course playful, silly little spankings are still occurring in our house. We, too, of course have a croc pot full of wonderful cooking utensils and the one above is Sir's most favorite to grab when in reach. Recently after a quick little session in the kitchen I asked Sir why did he always have to grab this one? He stopped and said with the most serious of all expressions.. it's quite simple.. this has weight, width, length and most importantly.. "swingability"
Is that even a word I wondered. Anyway.. just thought I would share that laughable moment with all of you even at the expense of a sore bottom for the day.

So to end this post, my goal for at least this week is to watch my "tone of voice as well as my body language." I know it won't be easy after a lifetime of doing what I have been doing. Since Sir and I don't typically sit down for official conversations as some of you might do, I may just find some of the answers I may be looking for just asking thoughtful questions when the time is right.
If you have made it to the end of this long post without falling asleep I appreciate your staying with me. As always I welcome your feedback if you relate to these same issues.