Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Life's issues, disconnect, feeling lost.....

I wish I could say all is well in my neck of the woods. This post is so very hard for me. Through a series of events beginning in May, Sir hurt his back. Yes I know, many people have injured their backs. The difference here is that Sir has never had a significant injury or at least not one of the magnitude that he has been dealing with. I don't want to stereotype, but in this case I have to say being a "man" is part of the issue. He did not and would not seek care when I advised him to, and that started things down the wrong path way. Bottom line now, is he has been in a back brace, walks with the assistance of a walker and see's the Doctor two times a week. While there has been some improvement, it is painfully slow. This has definitely affected him physically, and whether he will admit to it, mentally and emotionally. This too, is affecting me. I am taking the "brunt" end of his frustration at a time when I am trying to find my way in my current lifestyle. TTWD? Well... yes this issue has affected TTWD.
And me... I am tearful way too much of the time. I am scared and frightened for what our future holds. We are to celebrate 40 years of marriage this coming August. We are arguing so much and I feel so disconnected and saddened that we are having this type of a communication crisis at this stage of our relationship. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. There are those brief periods of time where I can tell Sir is trying to find his way back, as though he knows he has pushed me way too far. But... my guard is up and I simply clam up. I  know, and we all know that two wrongs do not make things right.
Right now, my heart just wants things to return to normal. Then there is that part of my heart that is stubborn and hurting that keeps sending a message to shut down until he is past all of this. I have tried everything I know to help him, support him and take care of him. Has this always been with the best of attitudes? Probably not. There are days when Sir is being so difficult that he feels unlovable and I am shocked, hurt and saddened that I would feel this way. I know in reality Sir still loves me, it just doesn't feel that way, and he is probably struggling with his pain.... and so.. I love him anyway.

Yes, I know. Arguing really does not help any situation. I have always had a need to "be heard" and
so yes.. there are times when I argue because I want to explain my reasoning and to be heard. Sir is not always being rational right now, that is the truth. So I try to help in whatever way I can. I can only hold my tongue so long... and then an explosion will occur. We have had two such circumstances over the past 6-8 weeks. I am not proud of this, I am embarrassed actually. Both times I felt pushed against a wall and I just let Sir have it with all that I am. I did not say hurtful things to him I don't feel, just things that I felt really were occurring that were detrimental to him and to us. I basically told him what I would and would not tolerate moving forward if he wanted me to continue to help him. Now that I have shared that, I can see where that sounds like an ultimatum. It really was not intended as such.
Yes.. this is my heart right now. It feels heavy, broken and burdened. I feel as though I have failed Sir in every way possible especially right now. I can not depend or rely on him to help get me out of my dark place. And while I try to be strong, do all the right things, nothing feels right. I am off, we are off.
Last Sunday, we were heading out to go boating on the lake for the day. Our son was to come along to help with taking the boat to the lake and getting his Dad on the boat. We all felt it would be a good thing as we have not had time out on the lake yet this summer. Somewhere along the line as we were getting ready that morning, I was helping Sir into the truck, I must have said something that really set him off. One minute we were getting ready to leave and the next minute Sir suddenly turned off the truck. Got himself out, got his walker out, yelled for me to get out and go inside the garage right now, he was going to settle things once and for all. So.. inside the garage we went. Sir was yelling.. he would say loudly talking during this time, telling me that he was tired of my sassiness, disrespect shown to him in public, and it was time all of the above stopped. "Get over the car right now young lady he said." I was stunned. Sir said.. I am going to give you a spanking that you will never forget. To say that I was stunned is an understatement. Sir does not do discipline spankings. And now.. he chooses to do so? My heart is racing because he is so upset. I do know better than to argue at this point but I am thinking.. do I deserve this after all I have done for him? I apparently was not moving fast enough and despite the fact that Sir is using a walker, he put me over the car so quickly my head was spinning. My dress is pulled up, his hand is on my back and he spanks hard and fast. In fact, I am not sure when he has spanked that hard with his hand. My emotions were all over the place, but I stayed put and went with the moment. First discipline spanking ever, and.. I really didn't think it was fair.
Sir finished up, we got back into the truck and went about our day. We had a good time at the lake, but I was cautious and quite. We haven't talked about this yet, and I am still trying to decide what I make of all of this.
So... daily no matter how I am feeling, and regardless of Sir's mood, I am doing my best to show
through my actions rather than my words that I do love him, and I am sorry he is having such a hard time. I still want "us" to be back to normal.
And while I searched for pictures for this post, I came across this one above and it spoke to my heart.
I need to open my heart to be able to "forgive" Sir for not being at his best right now regardless of his reasons, right or wrong. I need to spend some time in quiet reflection about our relationship and TTWD. I need to find my "soft" place in my mind and in my heart. I am still feeling hopelessly lost as Sir continues to mend. I wonder what "we" will look like in the weeks ahead. So for now, I say a quiet prayer for Sir, one for me and one for "us" that we will get back to normal in the weeks ahead.
I miss our special connection. I miss the balance we had. I took for granted the lifestyle we had.
I miss my Sir....