Saturday, September 6, 2014


This captures it all for me right now. I am not trying to be a "downer" but I have hit the brick wall of all times. I am so tired, that I don't know if I am coming or if I am going. I am truly incapable of making the many decisions I need/have to make each day and yet I keep placing one foot in front of the other and put on my happy smile, do what needs to be done, make the decisions that I make every day both personal and professionally.

For all of my friends here in blog land, believe me when I say that it is not that I do not care about any of you, it's just that at this moment in time, I have nothing else left to give or even words of value for any of you. I am emotionally and physically drained. I can barely manage to handle myself and my own world much less anything else. I do want to say, that I continue to faithfully follow blogs, and in many instances they have lifted me up, provided a smile to my heart, and much needed laughter when I have needed it. My point? While I have not always responded, all of you are there when I have needed you to be even if you are unaware that you have met a need or my need specifically. For this... I am blessed, I am thankful. I hope to repay this forward in the future.

Hubby and I made a life changing decision back in June, to sell our home and our business for reasons that are really out of our control. It was a painful decision as this is not what we expected at this stage in our lives. As the course of life would have it, even that decision is not going the way in which we would have expected. We wonder if God is watching over us and keeping us from making the wrong decision even though we both are convinced we are right.

The issue? Most of you know I am a very black and white thinker, very little gray in between. I am also a very emotional thinker. I am very OCD in all phases of my life. You can than only imagine the turmoil I am faced with each and every day not knowing what the outcome will be. This is a challenge for me and for hubby. This is where TTWD/DD is coming into play. Oh sure, there have been some "spats" between us, and while I can be difficult, I am reminded of the need to remain respectful in my conversation even when I do not agree or am frustrated. The lines of communication are open between us, Most times we are able to converse like grown adults. Other times...This is what occurs.
Hubby has his HOH hat on quite tightly these days. He is not hesitating to send me a message when my stubbornness and pride get in the way of "hearing" what he is trying to say and what I need to be learning. Timing in this is everything. He is not letting anything slide. Mostly he is keeping me from sinking down into a deep dark hole forcing me to communicate with him like the grown adult I am suppose to be. If I choose not to..he gives me a opportunity, then gives me a warning, and if I continue on... well then I find myself over his lap for a different kind of discussion which always seems to bring his point right home. He is loving and caring always, sometimes no words are exchanged and yet his message is always there. He will break down the walls of my defenses, he reassures me we will get though these tough times. I am drawn to his protectiveness, his dominance, his love. In times like this, I refocus on "us" and what is really important regardless of any other issues.
And while everyone says I am strong, I don't see myself this way. I need hubby to take my hand and tell me everything will be ok. In that moment it is. What I need to remember is to trust in his leadership, continue to follow, and accept what eventually happens. I trust him with my life,with our relationship. He always puts my needs first, and while I don't always see things in the moment, I can say he has never led me astray. I am blessed to have been provided a strong leader and I am truly thankful for all that he does to insure my safety, my needs and that he is always there to protect me.
Right now, while my life and my heart feels fragile, I feel I have little else to give him in return for all that he is and all that he means to me... Submission is something that I can freely give, It is a conscious decision that is made in everything that I do, small or large. It is something that I am finally grasping. While my heart feels as fragile as the rose above, it is my heart softly opening and accepting all that he has to give me. It is me... despite all difficulties... wanting to give the love of my life my all. It is what he deserves, it is all that I have to give in this moment to my sir.