Saturday, June 28, 2014

Life's Changes......

So where does one actually begin? The past two years have been incredibly difficult, challenging and exciting. They have been filled with laughter, worries, fears, and unbelievable pride and joy.
What is the issue you might ask? The issue is that our lives as we know it is about to undergo a major change. It is not one that we wanted but it is one that will be necessary for our future well being.
We have had to make some extremely tough decisions this past week that will forever change the course of our lives as we know it. These are decisions that are painful for both of us. They are sure to shake us to our very core and challenge us as a couple. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to handle these changes and be the supportive and obedient wife that I need to be in order to provide the necessary support to my husband.
I have to hold on to the belief that God has us both in his hands, and he would not have brought us to this if he did not have plans to see us through this time. The question will be: do we trust him with our all?
                                                                                                                                                 We have both endured significant obstacles in the past two years and thought we were going to come out on top. No so much so, or at least this is the way it appears right now. Hopefully we will come out of this stronger and more resilient then ever as we face new challenges on our journey in life.
 Having Faith will be the key to our success. Having Faith in God, having Faith in one another. Certainly things have not turned out as we planned and not for a lack of trying, working hard and giving it our very best at all times. But maybe that is what God wanted for us even though we do not yet understand and it is all so fresh and painful right now. We have to trust that God will see us through.
So what has happened all of you might be asking? We opened our own business, and while it has been successful in the first year, going nearly two years missing over half of our income has left us with no credit, struggling to maintain our home as we pour everything we have into our business.
While we are meeting everyone's else's needs, we can no longer meet our own. We are fresh out of time, money and resources. We have put our home up for sale as well as our business. At this stage in our lives this will be a hardship.  I will need to follow my husband's lead and be able to meet his needs as he struggles with the difficult decisions we are sure to face. This will be TTWD/dd in it's finest hour. I am not talking spankings here, I am talking about communicating effectively, listening with empathy, doing what I am asked even if it doesn't make sense. I need to make things easy for him. But every now and then.... I will need him to take me by the hand and tell me everything will be ok. And with him by my side...... it is all that I actually need. We can loose everything around us, but we will still have each other. He is still my knight in shining armor, he is my sir, he is my everything.                                                                                                                  

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Spanking A-Z.....

So at the beginning of June, I noted that our community was going to participate in a blog where we were to write something using one letter of the alphabet for each day of the month. I thought this would be fun to do, but life got in the way. I have enjoyed reading all of your thoughts with regards to this challenge. Maybe in the future I will be in a better place to participate in these fun little games.

Right now, I am just randomly going to select "F" as in Finally! Finally I think I have figured out how to get pictures attached to my blog so that perhaps they may be of more interest. They do say a picture is worth a thousand words right?"F" is also for friends. A heartfelt thank you to all of you that have welcomed me and supported me over the many months. I don't know where I would be without all the wonderful support I have found here in this community. I am truly blessed. So hold on everyone, I hope to get a bit more creative with my blog.

I could not leave this post with out adding " O" and "S" Over his lap and Spanking......
Yep, that is where I am heading before this weekend is over as we work on the issues that are causing concerns for me. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

Friday, June 20, 2014

This is where I belong......

No matter what I say in this post, the "bottom" line literally, is this is exactly where I belong. I have been back for a month now and it only took a few days before all of the daily pressures of my work along with our business, to set me back. True enough, I have a lot on my plate and the fact is that I am just not very good at juggling all of the stress factors in my life anymore. It is affecting me mentally, physically and emotionally. I am tired, worn out and feel like I have nothing left to give.

This time though instead of screaming, ranting and raving as I have done in the past, I have just shut down. I do what is essential to get through each day meeting everyone's needs, but for me,
I feel an internal struggle with my feelings about various concerns. I want to scream out loud and say... but "what about me?" What the heck is wrong with me anyway? I feel the need to push any
boundaries whether they be real or imaginary. Heck I can't even decide what I actually need in any given second of any given day. It is like I am just going through the motions, but inside I have so many mixed feelings that I am not able to sort through them all, and therefore I do not really know where to start to help even myself or how to ask for the help I so desperately need.

I saw this picture and it spoke to me. I know, it is a shock to see I have finally learned to get a picture attached to my blog. It only took me an hour to figure this out, but the picture said so much to me. It is calling my name. It is where I belong. It is what I need. I can't really say why, I still struggle with the deep need for this way of life to help sooth and settle me. I am often embarrassed by this need, at other times I don't really care what anyone thinks.

In this moment, I don't have the need or the desire to be punished, I have learned this is not at all what I want after I disrespected Sir back in May. So what is it that I am needing? I want to say that I need him to make things right. I am better about asking him for what I feel I need in the moment, and he has been very good about delivering what is needed. But this time, I feel very different. I need him to walk over take me by the hand, pull me over his lap and provide a firm hard spanking that will allow me to reach down inside and let go of all of these painful issues I am dealing with. I need him to talk to me and let me know that he will not allow me to hide down inside and push away from my fears but to meet them head on. I need him to tell me that he understands my fears and my pain and that together we will find a way to make things better. Seems relatively simple. But it is not. I need him to take control in a way that perhaps he never has done before. I don't know how to ask this of him. I need to "find me" I need to make "me" whole again. Until I am ok, I can not move forward in my submission and obedience with an open and joyful heart. This is what he deserves, not someone just going through the motions. I simply feel stuck in this moment of time.

So for now.... This is where I belong. This is what my mind and my heart feels will help me once again move forward. How many times do I have to go down this road? How much is too much to ask my sir to take care of this need before he tires of this? This alone causes me pain and frustration. In this moment while I say this is what I need, I am ashamed and embarrassed of this deep longing and need that I have. To relinquish control, allow sir to lead me and to allow myself to follow.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Importance of Obedience

I don't know about all of you, but I can hardly believe it is June. 1/2 of this year is nearly gone. Where has the time gone? What have I accomplished? What still lies ahead for me and for my sir?

I only had the opportunity to post once in May, and that post was intense for me. Since that time, I have taken a step back to see where I have been and where I am headed on this journey. You could say that incident was a life changing moment for me. I was "shocked" into the true reality of what it means to be submissive and obedient. "I" who thought I knew what was expected, fell very short and needed to look within myself for the answers. Not that I do not value and appreciate all of you that read and offer words of encouragement and support, but if I am to succeed, it will need to come from within me to find the answers and the solutions that will work for me and for us.

I had the unexpected opportunity to go home mid May and visit my Mom and my sisters as well as a very close friend. I was so excited about going home and my expectations for what would occur were very high. I am not a seasoned traveler, nor do I rarely go alone, and so to leave on this trip without sir was a very big deal. I certainly had my share of bad weather, I had to learn to use the Kiosk machines instead of dealing with an actual human being. Sir saw me off at the airport, and we stayed in contact via texting which was of some comfort. It was comforting to know he was following me on my journey and I felt loved and secure in knowing that he was in control.

I arrived at my destination, and was greeted by my sister. My gut instinct sensed something was not entirely right only I could not put my finger on it. I was just happy to see her and her family and was looking forward to getting safely to her home and to get caught up on how she was doing. It didn't go as I expected. The first thing I noted was the disarray of her home, the manner in which she was speaking to her husband and then sadly how much she was drinking. She quickly became mean and nasty. I could not believe what I was seeing or hearing. I became increasingly uncomfortable with the situation and wondered what sir would think if he knew what was going on.

I will spare everyone all the assorted details. Let's just say my sister shared with me some things that were very shocking and upsetting to me. I did my best to support and council her, but she was not willing to accept ownership or accountability for the role she was playing with the dysfunction of her marriage and her family. My favorite saying is: "one can not change what one does not accept ownership for." Therefore, I did not hold out much hope for her to understand the harm she was in let alone do anything about it. I did not sleep that night and wondered what my next steps would be. The next morning quite early, I got up and took my phone and took a long walk several blocks away and called sir to tell him what was going on. I was scared, hurt, felt lost and out of control. I needed his guidance, his support, his leadership and I needed him to take control even though we were very far apart. In years past, I may not have thought much about what was occuring, but now that we have been doing ttwd/dd for nearly a year, my heart knew exactly what he would have expected. He would not want me to be exposed to anything that would put me in harms way. He was patient and calm as I tearfully explained what had happened. When I was done, he gave me a specific directive to follow. I was to contact my friend & have her pick me up immediately and go with her to her home until she could get me to my mother's 2 hours away. If she couldn't come he would be calling the police. Fortunately I was able to reach her. I left for the day and told my sister I would return the next morning. I did return, and while I took her aside and held a meaningful and direct conversation with her, my friend got my suitcase and put it in her car.
I wrapped up my talk and left. I spent the rest of my time visiting my mom, my other sister and my best friend. All the while, sir stayed in constant contact with me texting every 2-3 hours to see how I was, and we would talk late each night. He remained supportive of my emotional needs. I felt very connected and loved. I felt secure and knew he was watching over me.

The remainder of my trip was uneventful except for weather related issues which delayed my return home one extra day. I was never so happy to get back home and into the waiting arms of my sir. I had a sense of gratitude and appreciation for his guidance, wisdom and council unlike any other time. We spent time talking over what had happened, how it made me feel, the issues that I was struggling with. Again,he patiently listened, allowed me to cry. He held me and comforted me. He then told me how this was going to play out. I am to have absolutely no further contact with my sister. She is old enough and free to make her own choices regarding her behavior and that did not include involving me or placing me in such a dangerous and difficult situation. He expects my obedience on this subject.

If I had not followed his directions as given, I could have easily been placed in harms way. As it was, he had advised me to get my things and leave and to not return. I did leave my suitcase and returned the next morning to pick it up, which was not exactly following his direction. In doing this I again, placed myself in harms way. When you are expected to obey, you should be prepared to do so fully and completely and not pick and choose which part of the directive you will follow.
You either obey or you do not. Let's just say..I learned this lesson the painful way.

So in closing for this post, I feel so safe and secure and loved by my sir. While I have not always done what he has said in the past, this time I knew exactly what steps to take and in doing so, he was able to protect me as best as he could from a distance. My love for sir has deepened so much within the past month that it is difficult to express. We have gone from one extreme to the next. I went from disrespecting sir at the beginning of the month, to following his direct orders in a time of extreme duress. I now know the importance of obedience in all areas whether the issues are small or they are large it makes no difference. As for spankings, yes there have been a few on my return. Not for punishment, but to reset me and remind me who is in charge and who has the final say.
And you know, I am ok with this. I am ready and willing to let go, let sir lead and I will happily follow him. He is my sir, he is my life. He is my everything.