I have been away awhile literally. No postings, not even much reading. A lot of inner reflections. Wondering where I am on this journey, wondering where I am headed. Wondering if I will actually achieve a level of obedience and submissive spirit worthy of my sir. Sadly, I share that in my own eyes, I am not even close. This came to light recently.
Life has a way of getting in the way. It throws all kinds of things in the way to derail you. How you react can make or break the deal. That's what happened to me over the weekend.
I derailed myself by disrespecting my sir. Yes, the incident started out innocently enough, but by the time it ended, both sir and myself were on different pages in the book. All of this could have been avoided if I would just follow my sir. But no, I chose to challenge him. I lost, and in the process I hurt myself and worse I hurt my sir. Now in years past, when we would argue and I would throw a fit, I don't think I actually cared very much about the end result other than hope we would resolve things and be able to move along. This time though, things were much different & the stakes much higher. In order to spare everyone all the ugly assorted details, let me just put things in a nutshell. I basically had a melt down over a very simple situation where sir and I saw things differently. I kept pushing, he was giving the signals, first the look, then telling me, then advising me to stop, and me? Well I just went into overload. It is one thing when this happens in the privacy of your home, it is a completely different thing when you choose to challenge your sir in front of others. Sadly this is exactly what happened. I was ugly, said hurtful things, displayed a total lack of respect for anything that my sir said. Embarrased myself and sir as well. I walked away and left him to face the others that witnessed the event. Now there are many things I could say here that would perhaps validate why I had the meltdown, but really in the bigger picture they don't matter.
The end result was a painful lesson for me to learn on what happens when I disrespect my sir. We immediately lost all connection. Sir kept himself at a distance both physically and verbally. He shut me out. He was no longer interested in my explanations. He was not willing to share of himself. Was it possible he no longer loved me? Now I don't know how much of what happened next was just sir's natural reaction to being treated this way, or if in his infinate wisdom, he knew just exactly how to reach me deep down in my heart and send a message that hurt me more than any spanking ever possibly could. You see in most instances like this it would be a spankable offense. Except for us, we don't have formal rules and sir does not necessarily spank to punish or correct. Yes.. he expects my obedience and submission from my heart and not because he would spank to gain this. He much prefers gg spankings, erotic spankings, and just because spankings as he see's fit.
Sir left me to myself to sort through the whole issue. With no talking going on and in different rooms, I certainly had plenty of time for self reflection and unfortunately for me, a replay in my mind of the entire situation which cut through my heart down to the core. I saw myself in a different light. It was not pretty, it was down right ugly. I couldn't even believe myself how bad this whole thing looked. I cried. Not just light weight tears, I mean gut wrenching deep down tears of true pain. Not for me. For sir. How could I possibly have caused him so much hurt? What was I thinking? How would I ever be able to make this better? I went to sir and attempted to explain, to apologize, I even intended to ask him to spank me because I certainly deserved it. Sir however simply told me to go upstairs, go to bed, I was tired and needed to sleep. He simply said.. do as I say. Relunctantly but thankfully I did. Many more hours of crying and reflection went by. Sir finally came to bed. Once again I tried to apologize. All he said was.. " I don't think you are" Those words cut me like a knife. He said nothing further. He kept his distance. It was a very long night as I gave thought to my actions, what did obedience and submission look like and how was I going to get there.
The next morning, slowly sir allowed me to come closer. He allowed me to touch him, and lay close. Allowing me this after refusing the night before gave me a level of appreciation for just the smell and touch of his being. I asked if I could make love to him, expecting nothing in return. It was all I had to offer. I sensed some relunctance but he allowed me to follow through. And I did so with my full open heart and with held nothing. Afterwards, we quietly layed together. Once again, the tears were there. Once again, I apologized for my blatent disrespect. Sir finally said we needed to get up. I had to ask sir one more question. I pulled out the leather strap and simply said will you spank please? He said, I will not spank to punish you. I spank because it pleasures you. This is different. I knew what he meant, it's just in my mind if anything I have ever done warranted a punishment spanking, this was it. I knew I would not be able to find closure ever without one. He said nothing further. He got up to leave the room, I resigned myself to more soul searching. Suddenly I heard him say simply.. come here. Those two words have never held so much meaning.
I went to sir. He held the leather strap in his hands. He motioned for me to go over his lap. I did as he asked knowing this would be hard for him and for me. My tears were already there before the first sting of that strap was felt. I was already remorseful, thankful, and appreciative in that moment. Sir spanked, I cried. It hurt. Slowly, I could feel myself reconnecting. When he was done, he helped me up. He allowed me to wrap my arms around him and cry. Once again, I apologized. He said... this will never ever happen again. I said.. no sir it will not. I asked him if he still loved me. He said he still did. With those words I felt forgiven. I felt secure in finding closure to such a painful event. I never ever want sir to have to punish me again, either by his actions or by his hands. I am thankful to have another opportunity to really learn what true obedience and submission is. This is a lesson I will not ever forget.