It has been a week since I was last able to share my thoughts about this lifestyle.
What I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming amount of support, and thoughtful feedback
that I received from all of you that at one time were perfect strangers, but over the past several months have welcomed me into this unique circle we share. There are no words really to express my appreciation for each and everyone of you. Each one of you have something very special and unique
to share and offer to others that can make a very big difference to that individual. That's where I was
at last week. While I may not have responded to all, know that I read and reread most responses more than once and was touched.
Not only was I having issues with understanding my own personal situation, I was quickly withdrawing deep down inside and just generally feeling overwhelmed. I felt as though I had made a
very large mistake in pursuing this lifestyle. I tried to convince myself that it really didn't matter
particularly if it didn't matter to my hubby. I tried to separate out all of my feelings, but they were jumbled up in one big ball of a mess. The more I thought about things, the more emotional pain I felt.
Shortly after posting last week, you could say that hubby and I had a meeting of the minds. Well truthfully, I just poured out all of my ugly thoughts in the moment. He had come into the bedroom and gleefully announced that" the master was available to provide me with a spanking". I just exploded."
"This is not a game to me, but I can sure see that it is for you and since that is the way you feel, I am not doing this anymore." In 2.5 seconds or less, he once again undid my jeans, pulled them and my undies off and had me over his knee and was spanking quite intensely. Again, I fought him, I was not at all into the situation and wanted no part of what was going on. He stopped long enough to ask me
what right did I have to say what he did or did not want or like to do. Didn't I understand that this was his decision? Perhaps he needed to demonstrate his point and he did just that. I still wasn't giving in.
My comments were ugly and hurtful both towards him, myself and us as a couple. He kept spanking, I fought to hold back the tears. I was too proud to let him see he was reaching me. At one point I looked up to see our cat sitting there watching this entire event unfold. I said what are you looking at? and slammed the door. What happened next I could not believe.
Hubby told me that was the ugliest behavior towards an innocent cat, and I was now going to be punished. I said, yea right. Well by now, most of you might recall we have a horsewhip that hangs on the back of the doorknob. I saw it just about the same time hubby reached over to grab it. I proceeded to move away, but of course he was quick. He ordered me to remove the rest of my clothes. He said, you want to be ugly? I will take care of that attitude right now. This time he ordered me to lay across the bed and place my hands above my head. THAT got my attention. My adrenalin was flowing. He was NOT, I repeat NOT playing. He stood up and raised that whip and brought it down on my bottom. I cried out on impact. He said:" Am I playing now?" "Does this FEEL like I am playing?"
and with that another 5-6 quick hard smacks were delivered to my bottom. I stood up. Very stupid mistake. He ordered back on to the bed and told me to never ever get up before he has given me permission to do so. I was actually shaking by this point. Not because I was afraid of him, he was not yelling, or acting out of control, but he certainly was not backing down. It was at this precise moment, that I realized the unspoken words.... he was providing me with a punishment spanking.
While it was not announced, one would have to be completely stupid to not recognize his intent.
It was then that I cried. Not just tears flowing, but a true, my heart is breaking kind of cry.
I recognized that this entire time I had been orchestrating the dynamics of our lifestyle. Pushing him to do things my way. When all the time, he was doing things his way. It was "I" that needed to begin to follow and accept his way of doing things. Geesh... how hard can this really be to get? I needed to relinquish all control and go with the flow. He then put me over his knee, and still using the whip, delivered quite a few more stinging, painful smacks to my bottom. Just when I thought he was done, he switched to his hand and spanked some more. Few words were spoken during this exchange or was this "our dance?" but there was a lot of emotions going on. At one point I looked him in the eye, and noted a hint of tears in his eyes. At that moment "I knew he got me." He completed the spanking, told me to get in bed, think about what had occurred, and to get some sleep. He required nothing further from me that night.
I awoke the next morning with a strange sense of calmness. I quit guessing what he was thinking.
I quit trying to explain, justify or defend my needs. I knew without question deep down in my heart where he stands on this issue. I felt loved, understood and connected. The lines of communication are open, I just choose to not overwhelm him with chatter, but simply state what my needs are in the moment. He.... has been more free in his communication and his expectations. I know when I am falling....He will be there to catch me and will do so in his way which will ultimately meet my needs.
And so we move forward 5 more steps?