Monday, February 3, 2014

Baby steps vs Giant Leap

We continue to move ahead in our dd relationship. I completely get the fact that my hubby understands my need to be spanked regardless of the reasons and he is happy or so I think  he is, to deliver. What is the issue? I am not entirely sure. For one, the last several times he has spanked, the complete reality of what I have asked of him has literally hit home. The worst part for me? I can not stay in position and accept what he is giving. Not staying in place and making all kinds of remarks in the moment, is not submitting to the spanking being delivered. Does this mean my inner defiant spirit is fighting this? If so, what is this saying about me? I can talk the talk, but sure can't walk the walk.

I know I have attitude, I don't yet see an ounce of true submission or obedience unless.. it is preceeded by some indication from him that a spanking will be forthcomming unless I comply. Most of you know his true expectation is that I am to be submissive and obedient without him having to spank to get these results. I do understand this on one level but right now unfortunately and embarrassingly to admit, I just can't seem to get there without knowing I will be spanked unless I do not comply. Why can I just not comply with his expectations of me? Well.. there have been moments when I am submissive just because, and when he tells me to go to bed, I no longer argue, I follow through. And these are simple requests. It's just that these are few and far between. Is this how it starts?

I did some reading today that led my thoughts to the fact that while I have said in some blogs he has reached my heart and my mind while spanking, in some instances he did, I think there is a part of me that is not yet convinced that he is spanking with a purpose in mind. He has told me he does not need to explain his actions, it is up to me to accept and submit to his actions. Is it really as simple as this?

So baby steps we are taking, at least I am. If any of you could meet my hubby and actually talk with him about this dynamic, you would know in a heartbeat that he "gets this whole thing" I continue to struggle perhaps because we don't have true boundaries and often I feel like I am out here alone. I am a person who analizes most everything and this is no different. There is still a part of me who keeps waiting to take the giant leap and accept a full fledged spanking without all of the shinanagans. My mind wants to connect the dots. Inappropriate behavior, thought, word or deed=consequences. I asked for this and now I need to accept and learn the lesson.

I am curious how many of you feel the same way? Do you need to be advised of your boundaries or do you just go with the flow? Sometimes I feel as though I am in this on my own, while hubby is happy to spank, I am not sure if he understands that I am expecting him to "teach and yes correct" my behavior. I recognize I am a grown women and should understand how to behave and accept his leadership. Sometimes I feel like a burden wanting this lifestyle. That is not the message I want to send. I expect this lifestyle will only make us stronger and will get me to the place of his expected submission and obedience without him having to spank to get me there. So for now, it feels like 3 steps forward and 10 steps back with no true growth in my behavior. It is a sad feeling at present.

It is sad that it requires so much to get me there. Looks like I have more soul searching to do.

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