I have decided that Dd is alot like dancing. In order to be successful at both, both partners need to understand the dynamics of how one leads and one follows in order to be successful. I was never very good at dancing, so this likely explains my struggles right now. I think hubby leads well, it‘s just that there are times when it is hard for me to see that he is leading... or is it just that in the moment, it is I that is choosing to ignore that he is leading. Following is equally as challenging. There are times when I can easily follow even if just for a short while. Most of the time I find myself falling all over the place because either I don't recognize the need to follow or I am just being stubborn and choose not to follow. Either way things don't end up well.
I have been pondering a statement made earlier this week from another blogger, submission must come from the heart. I have really been trying to let this sink in for many reasons. In our home, my hubby has made it quite clear that submission and obedience from me must be freely given. He will not spank to get this from me. I did not understand this until this week. He wants this to come from my heart, a gift freely and willingly given to him. He is right, sadly it is I that continues to struggle.
A part of me can accept all of this, I can even occasionally manage to allow this to naturally occur, there are other times when I have to work very hard to make this happen. There are times when I am giving from my heart, that is not necessarily recognized or even acknowledged that I am doing this. It‘s like I need a major award to be given for goodness sake. I should just be satisfied in knowing I am doing what is right and that I am meeting his expectations. But no... that does not provide me with satisfaction, and thus a viscious cycle starts over.
We appear to be at an impass right now. I need boundaries, he does not feel the need to introduce these, and will react when he deems it is necessary. This can be frustrating to me that he picks and chooses at his convenience. He tells me this is his perogative.
Yesterday I asked if he enjoyed spanking and why. He said he did because he knows it brings me pleasure ( good girl spankings) also because he simply knows I need them to keep me in balance. I asked what he thought about discipline spankings, he said he has done those when it is warranted, he might not have announced it as such, but I should have been able to tell the difference. Believe it ir not, not necessarily so. I need to be told... you failed to do such and such and now you will be punished. It's like a lightswitch needs to be turned on in my head to make the connection, if it isn't, the lesson is not learned, and therefore I believe this is why I fail to progress.
Hubby tells me I am over analyzing the entire situation and I just need to go with the flow. Easy for him, he is a free spirit, me not so much so. Things are very much black and white for me. Perhaps I just need to appreciate what we have and where we are in the moment. When I do reflect deeper, it does appear I am trying to orchestrate our dynamics. My expectations in my head are just those. Hubby has read enough of what I have sent him. He is intelligent. I know he understands what I feel is important. He is doing things his way.
That is what it is about. For now unfortunately, as bad as this will sound, for the first time ever, I have this overwhelming need to "test" him and see what will happen. Now I know this is not the correct manner in which to approach this as I am sure many of you will be quick to point out. It is just where my head is at right now. This is not being submissive or obedient. This will not please him. Feeling this way and wanting to be this way is the exact opposite of what the dd lifestyle is about. Right now, it is I that needs to get a handle on my feelings. So no new revelation here, just continuing to work through this process and my expectations.