So in my last entry, I shared my thoughts with regards to a need that I have to submit to a "true" punishment spanking for some very poor choices made many years ago.
Unfortunately, I carried the consequences of those decisions into my marriage of 38 years. These poor choices have resulted in my inability to understand true submission. We still have not actually discussed this need due to busy work schedules we both have.
This is where having time to reflect is good for the soul. Three things I see now that I am able to step back, is that my man probably does not "want" to truly punish me. I can see that it might cause him to have some emotional pain. After all, he is not a mean guy, does not take pleasure in causing me pain, but if he deems it is necessary to punish me via spanking then he has no issue with moving foward. The difference here is he has determined what the offense is and if it requires such action. In other words, he is in charge of that decision and I need to accept his decision. I have decided since I am to follow his lead, that I will finally share all of my "hidden secrets" of years past. While I can not forgive myself and feel to be punished will help me get to the other side, I will await his decision. He is wise and understanding, and I am certain will be fair with how this situation will play out so that I am able to learn a lesson from this situation. I am determined to submit and accept my sir's decision.
Second, on this journey to understanding a "true dd relationship," it is important to surround yourself with others you trust to help give perspective. I have been fortunate to connect with someone who understands my perspective and while they did not agree, gave me very good feedback and helped to refocus my thoughts and provide clarity on the issue
so that I was able to move forward, and for this I am thankful.
Third... After this past week, I believe we are already "on the other side." My man is holding me accountable in several areas. Does he have to spank in the moment? No. When he asks me a question now, I will not lie. I recognize what is expected and my conscious kicks in.In other words both my heart and my brain are engaged because I am aware he will take steps, asking first, ramping it up to "tell me" and if I continue to not listen and submit, there is no question my backside will pay a price. This is what I expect, and this is what he is doing. The power of communication can often say it all.
I will share with you that Friday evening was the end of a very stressful week for me. We got home late, and as we were winding down, he was reminding me of the Christmas season, and how little time I had spent enjoying it. He kept talking, I remained focused on all the reasons I did not have time. He kept talking. I simply could not get on the same page. I was all fired up about what I had not accomplished and what I still needed to complete at work. He kept talking. My heart heard him, but I simply pushed the thoughts away thinking I knew best. Well... I apparently did not know best as I ended up over his lap and was the recepient of a very painful hand spanking. I felt like my bottom was on fire. Suddenly, my mind went crazy. Yep, with a bare bottom, and in the middle of being spanked, what did I do? I pushed his hand away and told him I was now mad! Ladies...let me tell you not smart. He told me he was going to get the strap out and provide me with a punishment spanking.He has never said this before. THAT snapped my brain into gear. He advised me to settle down because that is where I was headed. Truth be known, he probably should have just done it. I was acting like a brat and was being disrespectful and disobedient. While he did not proceed with getting the strap, the remainder of my spanking was much harder then I have had in the past, and he did not stop until he was done. He then told me we were going to bed and now I had something else to focus on instead of work. Yep I sure did. My bottom stung all night and into the next day. I fell asleep in the comfort and security of his arms and despite my very sore bottom, my mind was at peace, my heart was content and I am feeling very blessed to have a man that will "take me in hand."
The rest of the weekend while we both worked, I was able to begin to enjoy the Christmas season, and with his help, we finally got our home decorated. I have always loved my man for many reasons, but now that love is becomming so deep and intense. When I count my blessings this season, I give thanks for a man that has given me the greatest gifts of all....His unconditional love, his protection, his wisdom, perhaps a sore bottom in the process. I am secure in knowing he has my heart, he has us. I will learn to follow his lead.