Spanking A-Z.....

So at the beginning of June, I noted that our community was going to participate in a blog where we were to write something using one letter of the alphabet for each day of the month. I thought this would be fun to do, but life got in the way. I have enjoyed reading all of your thoughts with regards to this challenge. Maybe in the future I will be in a better place to participate in these fun little games.

Right now, I am just randomly going to select "F" as in Finally! Finally I think I have figured out how to get pictures attached to my blog so that perhaps they may be of more interest. They do say a picture is worth a thousand words right?"F" is also for friends. A heartfelt thank you to all of you that have welcomed me and supported me over the many months. I don't know where I would be without all the wonderful support I have found here in this community. I am truly blessed. So hold on everyone, I hope to get a bit more creative with my blog.

I could not leave this post with out adding " O" and "S" Over his lap and Spanking......
Yep, that is where I am heading before this weekend is over as we work on the issues that are causing concerns for me. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

This is where I belong......

No matter what I say in this post, the "bottom" line literally, is this is exactly where I belong. I have been back for a month now and it only took a few days before all of the daily pressures of my work along with our business, to set me back. True enough, I have a lot on my plate and the fact is that I am just not very good at juggling all of the stress factors in my life anymore. It is affecting me mentally, physically and emotionally. I am tired, worn out and feel like I have nothing left to give.

This time though instead of screaming, ranting and raving as I have done in the past, I have just shut down. I do what is essential to get through each day meeting everyone's needs, but for me,
I feel an internal struggle with my feelings about various concerns. I want to scream out loud and say... but "what about me?" What the heck is wrong with me anyway? I feel the need to push any
boundaries whether they be real or imaginary. Heck I can't even decide what I actually need in any given second of any given day. It is like I am just going through the motions, but inside I have so many mixed feelings that I am not able to sort through them all, and therefore I do not really know where to start to help even myself or how to ask for the help I so desperately need.

I saw this picture and it spoke to me. I know, it is a shock to see I have finally learned to get a picture attached to my blog. It only took me an hour to figure this out, but the picture said so much to me. It is calling my name. It is where I belong. It is what I need. I can't really say why, I still struggle with the deep need for this way of life to help sooth and settle me. I am often embarrassed by this need, at other times I don't really care what anyone thinks.

In this moment, I don't have the need or the desire to be punished, I have learned this is not at all what I want after I disrespected Sir back in May. So what is it that I am needing? I want to say that I need him to make things right. I am better about asking him for what I feel I need in the moment, and he has been very good about delivering what is needed. But this time, I feel very different. I need him to walk over take me by the hand, pull me over his lap and provide a firm hard spanking that will allow me to reach down inside and let go of all of these painful issues I am dealing with. I need him to talk to me and let me know that he will not allow me to hide down inside and push away from my fears but to meet them head on. I need him to tell me that he understands my fears and my pain and that together we will find a way to make things better. Seems relatively simple. But it is not. I need him to take control in a way that perhaps he never has done before. I don't know how to ask this of him. I need to "find me" I need to make "me" whole again. Until I am ok, I can not move forward in my submission and obedience with an open and joyful heart. This is what he deserves, not someone just going through the motions. I simply feel stuck in this moment of time.

So for now.... This is where I belong. This is what my mind and my heart feels will help me once again move forward. How many times do I have to go down this road? How much is too much to ask my sir to take care of this need before he tires of this? This alone causes me pain and frustration. In this moment while I say this is what I need, I am ashamed and embarrassed of this deep longing and need that I have. To relinquish control, allow sir to lead me and to allow myself to follow.

Importance of Obedience

I don't know about all of you, but I can hardly believe it is June. 1/2 of this year is nearly gone. Where has the time gone? What have I accomplished? What still lies ahead for me and for my sir?

I only had the opportunity to post once in May, and that post was intense for me. Since that time, I have taken a step back to see where I have been and where I am headed on this journey. You could say that incident was a life changing moment for me. I was "shocked" into the true reality of what it means to be submissive and obedient. "I" who thought I knew what was expected, fell very short and needed to look within myself for the answers. Not that I do not value and appreciate all of you that read and offer words of encouragement and support, but if I am to succeed, it will need to come from within me to find the answers and the solutions that will work for me and for us.

I had the unexpected opportunity to go home mid May and visit my Mom and my sisters as well as a very close friend. I was so excited about going home and my expectations for what would occur were very high. I am not a seasoned traveler, nor do I rarely go alone, and so to leave on this trip without sir was a very big deal. I certainly had my share of bad weather, I had to learn to use the Kiosk machines instead of dealing with an actual human being. Sir saw me off at the airport, and we stayed in contact via texting which was of some comfort. It was comforting to know he was following me on my journey and I felt loved and secure in knowing that he was in control.

I arrived at my destination, and was greeted by my sister. My gut instinct sensed something was not entirely right only I could not put my finger on it. I was just happy to see her and her family and was looking forward to getting safely to her home and to get caught up on how she was doing. It didn't go as I expected. The first thing I noted was the disarray of her home, the manner in which she was speaking to her husband and then sadly how much she was drinking. She quickly became mean and nasty. I could not believe what I was seeing or hearing. I became increasingly uncomfortable with the situation and wondered what sir would think if he knew what was going on.

I will spare everyone all the assorted details. Let's just say my sister shared with me some things that were very shocking and upsetting to me. I did my best to support and council her, but she was not willing to accept ownership or accountability for the role she was playing with the dysfunction of her marriage and her family. My favorite saying is: "one can not change what one does not accept ownership for." Therefore, I did not hold out much hope for her to understand the harm she was in let alone do anything about it. I did not sleep that night and wondered what my next steps would be. The next morning quite early, I got up and took my phone and took a long walk several blocks away and called sir to tell him what was going on. I was scared, hurt, felt lost and out of control. I needed his guidance, his support, his leadership and I needed him to take control even though we were very far apart. In years past, I may not have thought much about what was occuring, but now that we have been doing ttwd/dd for nearly a year, my heart knew exactly what he would have expected. He would not want me to be exposed to anything that would put me in harms way. He was patient and calm as I tearfully explained what had happened. When I was done, he gave me a specific directive to follow. I was to contact my friend & have her pick me up immediately and go with her to her home until she could get me to my mother's 2 hours away. If she couldn't come he would be calling the police. Fortunately I was able to reach her. I left for the day and told my sister I would return the next morning. I did return, and while I took her aside and held a meaningful and direct conversation with her, my friend got my suitcase and put it in her car.
I wrapped up my talk and left. I spent the rest of my time visiting my mom, my other sister and my best friend. All the while, sir stayed in constant contact with me texting every 2-3 hours to see how I was, and we would talk late each night. He remained supportive of my emotional needs. I felt very connected and loved. I felt secure and knew he was watching over me.

The remainder of my trip was uneventful except for weather related issues which delayed my return home one extra day. I was never so happy to get back home and into the waiting arms of my sir. I had a sense of gratitude and appreciation for his guidance, wisdom and council unlike any other time. We spent time talking over what had happened, how it made me feel, the issues that I was struggling with. Again,he patiently listened, allowed me to cry. He held me and comforted me. He then told me how this was going to play out. I am to have absolutely no further contact with my sister. She is old enough and free to make her own choices regarding her behavior and that did not include involving me or placing me in such a dangerous and difficult situation. He expects my obedience on this subject.

If I had not followed his directions as given, I could have easily been placed in harms way. As it was, he had advised me to get my things and leave and to not return. I did leave my suitcase and returned the next morning to pick it up, which was not exactly following his direction. In doing this I again, placed myself in harms way. When you are expected to obey, you should be prepared to do so fully and completely and not pick and choose which part of the directive you will follow.
You either obey or you do not. Let's just say..I learned this lesson the painful way.

So in closing for this post, I feel so safe and secure and loved by my sir. While I have not always done what he has said in the past, this time I knew exactly what steps to take and in doing so, he was able to protect me as best as he could from a distance. My love for sir has deepened so much within the past month that it is difficult to express. We have gone from one extreme to the next. I went from disrespecting sir at the beginning of the month, to following his direct orders in a time of extreme duress. I now know the importance of obedience in all areas whether the issues are small or they are large it makes no difference. As for spankings, yes there have been a few on my return. Not for punishment, but to reset me and remind me who is in charge and who has the final say.
And you know, I am ok with this. I am ready and willing to let go, let sir lead and I will happily follow him. He is my sir, he is my life. He is my everything.

Do Not Disrespect Sir Ever.

I have been away awhile literally. No postings, not even much reading. A lot of inner reflections. Wondering where I am on this journey, wondering where I am headed. Wondering if I will actually achieve a level of obedience and submissive spirit worthy of my sir. Sadly, I share that in my own eyes, I am not even close. This came to light recently.

Life has a way of getting in the way. It throws all kinds of things in the way to derail you. How you react can make or break the deal. That's what happened to me over the weekend.

I derailed myself by disrespecting my sir. Yes, the incident started out innocently enough, but by the time it ended, both sir and myself were on different pages in the book. All of this could have been avoided if I would just follow my sir. But no, I chose to challenge him. I lost, and in the process I hurt myself and worse I hurt my sir. Now in years past, when we would argue and I would throw a fit, I don't think I actually cared very much about the end result other than hope we would resolve things and be able to move along. This time though, things were much different  & the stakes much higher. In order to spare everyone all the ugly assorted details, let me just put things in a nutshell. I basically had a melt down over a very simple situation where sir and I saw things differently. I kept pushing, he was giving the signals, first the look, then telling me,  then advising me to stop, and me? Well I just went into overload. It is one thing when this happens in the privacy of your home, it is a completely different thing when you choose to challenge your sir in front of others. Sadly this is exactly what happened. I was ugly, said hurtful things, displayed a total lack of respect for anything that my sir said. Embarrased myself and sir as well. I walked away and left him to face the others that witnessed the event. Now there are many things I could say here that would perhaps validate why I had the meltdown, but really in the bigger picture they don't matter.

The end result was a painful lesson for me to learn on what happens when I disrespect my sir. We immediately lost all connection. Sir kept himself at a distance both physically and verbally. He shut me out. He was no longer interested in my explanations. He was not willing to share of himself. Was it possible he no longer loved me? Now I don't know how much of what happened next was just sir's natural reaction to being treated this way, or if in his infinate wisdom, he knew just exactly how to reach me deep down in my heart and send a message that hurt me more than any spanking ever possibly could. You see in most instances like this it would be a spankable offense. Except for us, we don't have formal rules and sir does not necessarily spank to punish or correct. Yes.. he expects my obedience and submission from my heart and not because he would spank to gain this. He much prefers gg spankings, erotic spankings, and just because spankings as he see's fit.

Sir left me to myself to sort through the whole issue. With no talking going on and in different rooms, I certainly had plenty of time for self reflection and unfortunately for me, a replay in my mind of the entire situation which cut through my heart down to the core. I saw myself in a different light. It was not pretty, it was down right ugly. I couldn't even believe myself how bad this whole thing looked. I cried. Not just light weight tears, I mean gut wrenching deep down tears of true pain. Not for me. For sir. How could I possibly have caused him so much hurt? What was I thinking? How would I ever be able to make this better? I went to sir and attempted to explain, to apologize, I even intended to ask him to spank me because I certainly deserved it. Sir however simply told me to go upstairs, go to bed, I was tired and needed to sleep. He simply said.. do as I say. Relunctantly but thankfully I did. Many more hours of crying and reflection went by. Sir finally came to bed. Once again I tried to apologize. All he said was.. " I don't think you are" Those words cut me like a knife. He said nothing further. He kept his distance. It was a very long night as I gave thought to my actions, what did obedience and submission look like and how was I going to get there.

The next morning, slowly sir allowed me to come closer. He allowed me to touch him, and lay close. Allowing me this after refusing the night before gave me a level of appreciation for just the smell and touch of his being. I asked if I could make love to him, expecting nothing in return. It was all I had to offer. I sensed some relunctance but he allowed me to follow through. And I did so with my full open heart and with held nothing. Afterwards, we quietly layed together. Once again, the tears were there. Once again, I apologized for my blatent disrespect. Sir finally said we needed to get up. I had to ask sir one more question. I pulled out the leather strap and simply said will you spank please? He said, I will not spank to punish you. I spank because it pleasures you. This is different. I knew what he meant, it's just in my mind if anything I have ever done warranted a punishment spanking, this was it. I knew I would not be able to find closure ever without one. He said nothing further. He got up to leave the room, I resigned myself to more soul searching. Suddenly I heard him say simply.. come here. Those two words have never held so much meaning.

I went to sir. He held the leather strap in his hands. He motioned for me to go over his lap. I did as he asked knowing this would be hard for him and for me. My tears were already there before the first sting of that strap was felt. I was already remorseful, thankful, and appreciative in that moment. Sir spanked, I cried. It hurt. Slowly, I could feel myself reconnecting. When he was done, he helped me up. He allowed me to wrap my arms around him and cry. Once again, I apologized. He said... this will never ever happen again. I said.. no sir it will not. I asked him if he still loved me. He said he still did. With those words I felt forgiven.  I felt secure in finding closure to such a painful event. I never ever want sir to have to punish me again, either by his actions or by his hands. I am thankful to have another opportunity to really learn what true obedience and submission is. This is a lesson I will not ever forget.

Spring is here, seeing subtle changes

Spring is a time of rebirth and fresh beginnings. I don't know about all of you, but finally in my neck of the woods, we are seeing the beauty of spring after a really long winter. The grass is greening up, trees are budding out, flowers are comming up, it is staying lighter longer. All of this brings a sense of peace, joy and wonder to my heart. I have been watching for weeks now to see these subtle changes that I have been longing for.

We have been on our journey of TTWD for 9 months now, whether this was formal or unformally started. Last night, hubby made a very simple statement which had a profound affect on my heart. What I am about to say, might not impress any of you, but it does show the subtle changes that are finally taking place for me and says that we are on the right path. I wonder if he too, has longed to see these subtle changes within me.

For several weeks now, he has started to keep an empty water bottle by his bedside. At first it irritated me, and I kept throwing them out only to find another one back in place. I finally noted that he would refill it before going to bed so he wouldn't have to get up to get a drink in the middle of the night. I don't remember exactly when I started doing this for him, but every night now for several weeks before I got in to bed, I have filled it for him so he would have it. Several times he has been surprised to find it filled and simply expressed his appreciation. On the rare occasion I have forgotten, he has given me a subtle reminder. Are you forgetting to do something for me?  I quickly remembered and without question, or hesitation, I would quickly get it filled. There were no further discussions. Last night though, we both got home very late from our own business. We were exhausted. I had remembered to fill it, and it was at his bedside. He came to bed and when he saw it he said:" I really appreciate your taking the time to fill my bottle. It makes me feel like you really care."

Perhaps not the most profound thing any of you have heard, but for me.... it told me that I do indeed have the capability of being submissive of my own accord and I felt there was hope. It also told me he is watching.This simple statement spoke to my heart and I marveled how such a simple act could mean so much to him. In that moment , I could see that the previous months of soul searching, the up's and down's, the frustrations, all had purpose and meaning. My heart was broken,  than softened and is being remolded. Has this been a painful time for me? It absolutely has, but it has been an essential part of my journey. One can not change what one does not recognize and accept the ownership to change. I now see why hubby has told me he will not spank to gain my submission. As stubborn as I am, he would be spanking me 24/7 to get his point across, and the response would have been only as a result of his actions and not the willingness from my heart to make the necessary changes.

He too, is making changes. For those of you that have followed me, know that while TTWD was never formally introduced, no serious discussions were had to begin this journey, we simply have been moving forward on our own terms. Oh sure, over the months as things arose, I have questioned and asked for his thoughts, I have expressed my thoughts and we have just sort of found our niche.

Today, he often will give me "the look" I know what that means without any discussions. Was it possible over the past 40 years that he has already been doing that and I was just choosing to ignore it's meaning. I am guessing so. Now, he firmly tells me what I will and won't be doing, and accepts no arguements. Most of these directives when I look at them now, are his way of taking care of me so that physically, mentally and emotionally, I am protected. When he tells me to go over his lap, he is taking matters into his own hands as he see's fit. I used to think this had to be spelled out so I could understand the difference in the spankings. But really? Does one really have to have an announcement? He used to say, if you cannot tell the difference, than you need to pay closer attention to what I am saying, whether these be my words or the feel of my hand on your rear end! Now before I am spanked, I stop to think about what things led up to this. Did I miss his looks, his warnings, did I push the issues, did I argue my points beyond acceptable limits? How did I speak to him? What was my tone? Was I disrespectful with my words? Most of the time, I find my own answers deep within my heart, and I already know why I find myself over his lap. I believe this is why in the most recent months, I started to hesitate with spankings even though initially I asked for them. The hesitation was because in my heart, I knew I deserved them, a part of me was afraid. As I learned to accept consequences for my actions, to submit to a spanking was humbling at best. The spankings also hurt more than before. I think this is because my mind and my emotions are finally connecting to my behaviors.

And so it is said, that spankings are suppose to hurt in order to make neccessary corrections. How obvious could this be? I used to think I knew everything about spanking. Not. What I knew was simple fantasy. What I know now that we are on this journey, there are many reasons. Some not so pleasant. Some are erotic. Some are for fun. Some, relieve stress. The one's that are the hardest for me are one's that I need to learn from. Self reflection is the best way for me to grow and learn. Hubby is a man of few words, but when he speaks, he can nail an issue every time just with his words. Put that together with a spanking, and I quickly come around to seeing things from his perspective. I now see by accepting his lead, that my stress level is decreasing. Not to say that it is always easy, but knowing he is there to catch me when I am falling regardless of the reason, is very reassuring.

And so as we enjoy these beautiful days of spring, and the subtle wonderful signs of nature's rebirth, I, too, reflect on the subtle changes I am seeing within myself. I wonder what things will look like when I am in full bloom.

Acceptance

Many things have come to light for me over the past several weeks. Several lessons learned the hard way, or perhaps the painful way. One thing I find interesting about this journey I find myself on, is the more unacceptable my behavior or conversations are, how very apparent they are to me. Now I know that may be a strange statement. Prior to starting this journey I know I didn't really take notice or think twice about how I would react or what my statements would look like from my hubby's perspective. While I still have a long way to go, now I immediately recognize when my behavior or remarks have been less than what they should  be in terms of pleasing him.While you can't take back those actions or words that are not acceptable, you can take responsibility for them, and find ways to improve upon the behavior.

In the initial phase of this journey, I know my expectation was that I would be punished for behaviors that did not meet with hubby's expectations. The truth is, I felt this was the only way I would learn to follow through. Hubby's stance has always been that he absolutely would not spank to gain submission or obedience from me. To this date, I can say this is still true. So when I find myself noticing that my behavior or conversation is less than acceptable, it actually causes me to experience a true remorseful spirit which then in turn causes a much deeper reflection and a true willingness to want to change, and thus I will change, and that desire comes from my heart. And that... is where true submission is meant to come from. In those moments I am pleased with myself for doing so and feel certain hubby does too.

Now that is not to say that spankings do not occur. I can assure you they do. I know that hubby is watching, often comments in certain circumstances that reminds me to be careful.     What I used to think that I wanted and needed in order to do the right thing, I now give great consideration to. My emotions are really raw right now. If hubby were to provide a true punishment spanking, I know it would break my heart and his as well, not to mention I am certain it would be the most painful ever. Do I really want this ? No, I don't. If it just so happens one day this occurs, well I suppose the message would be loud and clear as it would not be the "norm" for us and that's perhaps as it should be.

For now, I am finding myself over his lap for many other reasons. These reasons are one's that he determines the need for. Stress relief primarily at present which is helping me. I am also able to communicate my need easier than when we first started. I have stopped second guessing him, stopped saying no, sometimes I still hesitate when he tells me to come to him, but I do come to him and I accept what he feels is necessary in the moment to get my attention, and to help me find my soft heart and my inner peace. The spankings that are the most difficult to accept, are actually the ones I need the most to break down walls and barriers. And hubby knows these, and understands the importance of reaching me long  before I see this in myself. Spankings in the past, I thought had meaning. They didn't, they were fantasy one's. Spankings I receive now, have taken on a brand new meaning for me. There is purpose and meaning and often lessons to be learned. I now look for the meaning, and the lesson with each one. Some I find really are just for "me." Others, I learn really impact the two of us. Regardless, I am still on the journey and find myself more in love than ever before. I have a long way to go yet, but with the help of my sir, I can say that I am happier and much more secure with his leadership, and when I chose to follow, life holds more meaning.

Lesson Learned

Oh my. What a trying time this has been for me. And you know, this could have all been avoided if I had sat down and talked with hubby about this before proceeding. I would have known his concerns and whether I agreed or not, I could have stated my reasons and we could have come to an understanding without ever having to go through this process. But we went through it, and there was a lesson to be learned.

There can only be one captain of the ship, one chief for a tribe, and one leader for a home. While respectfully, the leader needs to consider all information placed before them to make an informed decision, they are ultimately charged with the responsibilty for those that they lead and care for. When one stops to reflect upon this, you begin to have a fine appreciation of that responsibilty. They have to keep the entire picture in front of them, and often undo mistakes made on behalf of those they are responsible for in order to protect them from harm, seen or unforseen. It takes a strong leader to shoulder this responsibility.

I have been with my man for 40 years now. I shudder to think about the many times I have not followed his lead and the results of having that stubborn pride that caused hardships for me and for us. If I had been following his lead all along, I am certain many situations we have experienced on life's journey would have been avoided.

There is something to be said for immediate and timely obedience whether you agree in the moment or not. It can save heartache, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and wrong perceptions which can lead both of us to a very hard place. This was such a time. While on the surface the issue seemed innocent enough, the stakes were high and there was plenty of room for serious consequences to have occured.

While this incident could have and should have resulted in a painful punishment spanking for me, for disrespect, and dangerous behavior, it did not. Hubby has a way with words that cuts through the matter at hand and he nails the issue everytime. That's not to say that I always agree, understand or even want to do as I am asked, the issue is this... he is the leader in our home, he is owed my respect, prompt obedience and my gratitude for making the hard decisions in life that affect us both. I am thankful for this man of mine. The further I move along on this journey, the more I realize what a wonderful plan God had, when he paired us together for life.