Many things have come to light for me over the past several weeks. Several lessons learned the hard way, or perhaps the painful way. One thing I find interesting about this journey I find myself on, is the more unacceptable my behavior or conversations are, how very apparent they are to me. Now I know that may be a strange statement. Prior to starting this journey I know I didn't really take notice or think twice about how I would react or what my statements would look like from my hubby's perspective. While I still have a long way to go, now I immediately recognize when my behavior or remarks have been less than what they should be in terms of pleasing him.While you can't take back those actions or words that are not acceptable, you can take responsibility for them, and find ways to improve upon the behavior.
In the initial phase of this journey, I know my expectation was that I would be punished for behaviors that did not meet with hubby's expectations. The truth is, I felt this was the only way I would learn to follow through. Hubby's stance has always been that he absolutely would not spank to gain submission or obedience from me. To this date, I can say this is still true. So when I find myself noticing that my behavior or conversation is less than acceptable, it actually causes me to experience a true remorseful spirit which then in turn causes a much deeper reflection and a true willingness to want to change, and thus I will change, and that desire comes from my heart. And that... is where true submission is meant to come from. In those moments I am pleased with myself for doing so and feel certain hubby does too.
Now that is not to say that spankings do not occur. I can assure you they do. I know that hubby is watching, often comments in certain circumstances that reminds me to be careful. What I used to think that I wanted and needed in order to do the right thing, I now give great consideration to. My emotions are really raw right now. If hubby were to provide a true punishment spanking, I know it would break my heart and his as well, not to mention I am certain it would be the most painful ever. Do I really want this ? No, I don't. If it just so happens one day this occurs, well I suppose the message would be loud and clear as it would not be the "norm" for us and that's perhaps as it should be.
For now, I am finding myself over his lap for many other reasons. These reasons are one's that he determines the need for. Stress relief primarily at present which is helping me. I am also able to communicate my need easier than when we first started. I have stopped second guessing him, stopped saying no, sometimes I still hesitate when he tells me to come to him, but I do come to him and I accept what he feels is necessary in the moment to get my attention, and to help me find my soft heart and my inner peace. The spankings that are the most difficult to accept, are actually the ones I need the most to break down walls and barriers. And hubby knows these, and understands the importance of reaching me long before I see this in myself. Spankings in the past, I thought had meaning. They didn't, they were fantasy one's. Spankings I receive now, have taken on a brand new meaning for me. There is purpose and meaning and often lessons to be learned. I now look for the meaning, and the lesson with each one. Some I find really are just for "me." Others, I learn really impact the two of us. Regardless, I am still on the journey and find myself more in love than ever before. I have a long way to go yet, but with the help of my sir, I can say that I am happier and much more secure with his leadership, and when I chose to follow, life holds more meaning.