Spring is a time of rebirth and fresh beginnings. I don't know about all of you, but finally in my neck of the woods, we are seeing the beauty of spring after a really long winter. The grass is greening up, trees are budding out, flowers are comming up, it is staying lighter longer. All of this brings a sense of peace, joy and wonder to my heart. I have been watching for weeks now to see these subtle changes that I have been longing for.
We have been on our journey of TTWD for 9 months now, whether this was formal or unformally started. Last night, hubby made a very simple statement which had a profound affect on my heart. What I am about to say, might not impress any of you, but it does show the subtle changes that are finally taking place for me and says that we are on the right path. I wonder if he too, has longed to see these subtle changes within me.
For several weeks now, he has started to keep an empty water bottle by his bedside. At first it irritated me, and I kept throwing them out only to find another one back in place. I finally noted that he would refill it before going to bed so he wouldn't have to get up to get a drink in the middle of the night. I don't remember exactly when I started doing this for him, but every night now for several weeks before I got in to bed, I have filled it for him so he would have it. Several times he has been surprised to find it filled and simply expressed his appreciation. On the rare occasion I have forgotten, he has given me a subtle reminder. Are you forgetting to do something for me? I quickly remembered and without question, or hesitation, I would quickly get it filled. There were no further discussions. Last night though, we both got home very late from our own business. We were exhausted. I had remembered to fill it, and it was at his bedside. He came to bed and when he saw it he said:" I really appreciate your taking the time to fill my bottle. It makes me feel like you really care."
Perhaps not the most profound thing any of you have heard, but for me.... it told me that I do indeed have the capability of being submissive of my own accord and I felt there was hope. It also told me he is watching.This simple statement spoke to my heart and I marveled how such a simple act could mean so much to him. In that moment , I could see that the previous months of soul searching, the up's and down's, the frustrations, all had purpose and meaning. My heart was broken, than softened and is being remolded. Has this been a painful time for me? It absolutely has, but it has been an essential part of my journey. One can not change what one does not recognize and accept the ownership to change. I now see why hubby has told me he will not spank to gain my submission. As stubborn as I am, he would be spanking me 24/7 to get his point across, and the response would have been only as a result of his actions and not the willingness from my heart to make the necessary changes.
He too, is making changes. For those of you that have followed me, know that while TTWD was never formally introduced, no serious discussions were had to begin this journey, we simply have been moving forward on our own terms. Oh sure, over the months as things arose, I have questioned and asked for his thoughts, I have expressed my thoughts and we have just sort of found our niche.
Today, he often will give me "the look" I know what that means without any discussions. Was it possible over the past 40 years that he has already been doing that and I was just choosing to ignore it's meaning. I am guessing so. Now, he firmly tells me what I will and won't be doing, and accepts no arguements. Most of these directives when I look at them now, are his way of taking care of me so that physically, mentally and emotionally, I am protected. When he tells me to go over his lap, he is taking matters into his own hands as he see's fit. I used to think this had to be spelled out so I could understand the difference in the spankings. But really? Does one really have to have an announcement? He used to say, if you cannot tell the difference, than you need to pay closer attention to what I am saying, whether these be my words or the feel of my hand on your rear end! Now before I am spanked, I stop to think about what things led up to this. Did I miss his looks, his warnings, did I push the issues, did I argue my points beyond acceptable limits? How did I speak to him? What was my tone? Was I disrespectful with my words? Most of the time, I find my own answers deep within my heart, and I already know why I find myself over his lap. I believe this is why in the most recent months, I started to hesitate with spankings even though initially I asked for them. The hesitation was because in my heart, I knew I deserved them, a part of me was afraid. As I learned to accept consequences for my actions, to submit to a spanking was humbling at best. The spankings also hurt more than before. I think this is because my mind and my emotions are finally connecting to my behaviors.
And so it is said, that spankings are suppose to hurt in order to make neccessary corrections. How obvious could this be? I used to think I knew everything about spanking. Not. What I knew was simple fantasy. What I know now that we are on this journey, there are many reasons. Some not so pleasant. Some are erotic. Some are for fun. Some, relieve stress. The one's that are the hardest for me are one's that I need to learn from. Self reflection is the best way for me to grow and learn. Hubby is a man of few words, but when he speaks, he can nail an issue every time just with his words. Put that together with a spanking, and I quickly come around to seeing things from his perspective. I now see by accepting his lead, that my stress level is decreasing. Not to say that it is always easy, but knowing he is there to catch me when I am falling regardless of the reason, is very reassuring.
And so as we enjoy these beautiful days of spring, and the subtle wonderful signs of nature's rebirth, I, too, reflect on the subtle changes I am seeing within myself. I wonder what things will look like when I am in full bloom.