Well the weekend is here once again, and I have a short time with which to put out my weekly post.
When reviewing my past posts, it is clear to me how tired and frustrated I am by this time every week, how emotional I am and how I clearly do not have things in perspective.
Recently a blog friend of mine advised me that TTWD, is not ALWAYS about spankings, but rather the
purpose is to have improved communication in order to strengthen the relationship. If spanking helps to move it in the right direction as a consequence than so be it. It has taken me awhile to process this statement.
I would venture to say that it is a fair statement that most of us that find ourselves in this dynamic actually enjoy some type of spanking, I would assume gg spankings, erotic spankings, true punishment spankings
probably not so much so.
So here is what went down in our home last night. Yet another extremely hard week at work for me, coupled with some increasing outside pressures that are ocurring for both of us, the need to work more
this weekend for our personal business= increased anxiety and a full blown panic attack for me.
While I managed to keep things together while we worked last night, I was all smiles and pleasantries
toward staff and customers, inside I was falling apart. I fought to hold back tears for most of the night, and
again could feel myself wanting to run and hide and actually never come back. "Distancing" is what I believe
I have read about. I was not rude, disrespectful towards my hubby that I am aware of, just stayed quiet and really offered no exchange of words other than what was essential. I did not want to overload him with all of the thoughts rolling around in my head. He has enough to deal with on his own. At the end of our night as always, he cooks dinner for us. Only I have not had much appetite if any with all of the worries and concerns I have had. I could only eat two or three bites, and I just felt like I was going to be sick. I thanked him for taking the time to cook, just told him I really was not very hungry. I faintly remember the "look" he gave me, but he said nothing further. He finished up his meal, we briefly chatted about a few things. I told him I was really tired and just needed to go home. He nodded in agreement. We drove home, he chatted about this and that, I responded as best as I could, all the while trying to suppress my emotions and the tears that were
about to overflow. We arrived home, quickly got ready for bed. He sat down on my side of the bed.
Here is where everything suddenly went to hell in a hand basket.
"Come here" he said. Motioning for me to go over his lap. I said... yes you guessed it, "no" "I am too tired, it is not necessary, I am just fine." I didn't feel fine, why did I just say that? I suddenly felt panicked at the thought that he felt the need to spank when I know how much pressure he is under. He motioned me over again, I repeated myself and said no. My heart was just about to break. A single lone tear slid down my cheek. He took my wrist and pulled me over his lap. He started to spank. The tears were right there. I stood up and motioned for him to stop. Quietly he said these words: "If you are not going to do as I ask, then we are not going to do this anymore, do you understand?" As always, his words went straight to my heart. He asked:
"Are we clear about this?" I nodded my head in agreement, knowing how many times since we have started this journey that I have given such conflicting messages. Once again he took my wrist and pulled me over his lap, and the spanking resumed. He was not gentle, he was not overly hard. But he was firm and consistent,
and with that, I started to cry. I could no longer hide my tears. I cried unlike any other time. This must be what "being spanked to tears" means. I heard him softly say.... go ahead, just let it all out. And the spanking
continued as did my tears. Finally he stopped. He told me to stand up. He pulled me close to him, and I clung to him and continued to cry softly. He talked, I talked about what was troubling me. I heard what he was telling me, I felt like he understood me. I shared with him, that I was concerned that since we had started this last summer, it was coincidental timing that we started having some of our other issues that are of concern, began at that same time. Was this a sign that perhaps "we shouldn't be doing this?" Perhaps this was wrong? We are both consenting adults, we are married, this does not go outside of our home. We are christian's, God is head of our home. Surely what we are doing can not be seen as wrong in his eyes? This is something that we explored and talked about this for awhile. His answers and reassurance made sense. Once again, he assured me that providing me with what he knows I need, is not a problem for him. He enjoys it because he knows that it helps to calm me, he knows I need direction. He knows I enjoy it, he knows it is who I am, and he is ok with it. He said, of course he benefits as well in many ways. I finally feel as though I can stop questioning his intent, or whether this is right or wrong for us.
He continued to hold me for a long while. I finally stood up and looked him in the eye, and asked if he would repeat the spanking. I apologized for sending mixed messages, and I was ready both in my mind and my heart to submit to his spanking. With out another word, he pulled me over his lap and provided me with a spanking that I will not soon forget. When he was done, we got into bed, he pulled me close, covered me up. I thanked him for taking care of me, and told him how much I loved him. And with that, I quickly fell asleep and slept soundly. I awoke refreshed this morning, and saw our lives in a renewed and different perspective. The problems we face are still present, the challenges will remain, but what I do know, is
TTWD will continue. It is what I want, and I am now convinced it is what he wants.