We all deal with many emotions each and every day. Some of us do better with managing these than others. For me... not so much so. Yesterday, my mind and heart was in a vulnerable spot when I posted about meeting my hubby's needs. Yes, that was my intent. So what happened? One very long day, fatigue for both of us. We awoke this morning and talked about the many issues that we are facing. With each passing subject discussed, I could feel myself escalating out of control. I am not at all angry or even upset with him, just the circumstances surrounding us just have me all fired up.
At one point we were simply joking around about "signs" At which point I said I have a sign I would like to show all right. He asked what was that? And before I knew it... yes, you guessed it, I flipped the bird. If you knew me you would know I rarely resort to this level of behavior. He just looked at me.I quickly said.. this wasn't intended for you, just the situation. He said.. that is not very christian like and God would not appreciate that. What could I say in the moment? He as always was right. It was inexcusable and not necessary. I realized then that I have only added fuel to the fire, certainly didn't help him any and I am sure he is too tired to care.
Where does that leave us now? I want him to spank the tar out of me. I deserve it for being disrespectful. I have so much pent up frustration with so many things that I feel like I could just explode. But..... I did just say yesterday.. It is about him and not me. Have I not learned anything after all these months? Am I really that dense and selfish? What is going on here anyway? Where is my soft heart? Where is my submissive spirit? Why do I need him to step up and provide direction and discipline because I can't manage myself? He already has enough to deal with. When is this going to get easier? When am I going to get it? Apparently I don't get it and this makes me sad. The one thing I thought I found that would help at least me, doesn't appear to be getting us anywhere.
Not sure what will happen next. It is apparent, I have more soul searching to do. I am not sure that despite what I feel I need and want is worth adding more to my hubby's responsibilities. He has more important things to manage than a wife who can not manage herself. Right now, I am saddened and disappointed. I just want things to feel right and be right. I feel like I am out of control with no end in sight.