Saturday, March 8, 2014

Do Not say this two letter word.. NO

So as we continue to work through our communication of expectations, wants, needs ect, what was learned this week by me is what NOT to say. There were several instances this week when hubby
fully intended to provide me with a spanking. Not so  much so for discipline purposes, but I know he is trying to keep me in check, in balance, in sync what ever one would like to identify it as.
Surprisingly.... since I was the one that brought this whole idea to him, consistently, when he indicates this is his intent, my first answer is "NO" Really? It is like an automatic response. What happened here? I wonder if it is because I spent some time orchestrating this dynamic, then found myself questioning whether he understood, then questioning if he really WANTED to do this or if
he was just doing this with the thought "this too will pass."

Well apparently not. The first time he asked me if I needed to be spanked. I said no, I wanted to go to bed and did just that. I saw him look at me, but that night he made no further comment. The next morning, I realized what message I had sent. I texted him and suggested that when he has that intent, not to ask me, but that I wanted him to simply take over regardless of my comment, because most times even I do not know what it is I need. I needed for him to firmly step in, take control, do what he feels is necessary for us to reconnect or for him to get my attention. I might not like it at that moment, but I felt most assuredly once he was done, I would absolutely be submitting.

For the remainder of this week, each night and this morning, he kept his statements simple. Come over here. If I hesitated, he would only look at me once and simply repeat.." I said come over here." Once I was there, there was no other communication other then for him to indicate I was to place myself over his lap. The first night I was so tense, he sensed it. He started out much different. He slowly rubbed my back, rubbed my bottom, provided a few "light" smacks to my backside. He would stop, rub some more, and begin again, becoming firmer with his spanking. He would provide 10-15 smacks, stop, stayed quiet, giving me time to process, and then start in again. As I relaxed and refocused, he placed his arm around my waist and pulled me closer, he than became quite intense with his spanking and made sure that I was put back into a good place. I was than told to go to bed and get some sleep. He held me close as I drifted off.

This morning, he pulled me close and simply said: are you ready for your spanking this morning? I was irritable, but did not argue. Over his lap I went, and he spanked good, hard and long. When he was done, he pulled me into his arms and held me close for a few minutes. No words were necessary. This is the first time he has done this exact action, he had my attention and my heart. While words are important, this was his way.. and I accepted his actions as they were. This was him, not someone else's version. He was doing things his way, that is what this is about.. and so I learned from him this week what is important to him. I also learned that if I said no, he would proceed and I found comfort in that process. As we were preparing to leave for our work together this morning, I smarted off to him in response to some question he asked, I had my back to him, when I heard his dresser drawer open. I knew exactly what he was thinking without even turning around.. this is where he keeps his leather strap. He simply said,  How would you like to feel this leather strap right now?
Ummmmm not so much. After his firm hand spanking this morning, I was guessing this would not feel good. However... it told me that he is watching and listening. So I apologized. He said.. I will think about it, there is always tonight or tomorrow. With that... that will keep me wondering and keep me focused on maintaining my behavior.

For today... I feel at peace, quiet, content. I feel I am in a good place, and I so appreciate not wasting energy on second guessing what he is feeling or thinking. I am slowly accepting how things are going to work... this dynamic will work as he see's fit, in his timing, in his way. He is leading.... I am working on following.

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