Life's issues, disconnect, feeling lost.....

I wish I could say all is well in my neck of the woods. This post is so very hard for me. Through a series of events beginning in May, Sir hurt his back. Yes I know, many people have injured their backs. The difference here is that Sir has never had a significant injury or at least not one of the magnitude that he has been dealing with. I don't want to stereotype, but in this case I have to say being a "man" is part of the issue. He did not and would not seek care when I advised him to, and that started things down the wrong path way. Bottom line now, is he has been in a back brace, walks with the assistance of a walker and see's the Doctor two times a week. While there has been some improvement, it is painfully slow. This has definitely affected him physically, and whether he will admit to it, mentally and emotionally. This too, is affecting me. I am taking the "brunt" end of his frustration at a time when I am trying to find my way in my current lifestyle. TTWD? Well... yes this issue has affected TTWD.

And me... I am tearful way too much of the time. I am scared and frightened for what our future holds. We are to celebrate 40 years of marriage this coming August. We are arguing so much and I feel so disconnected and saddened that we are having this type of a communication crisis at this stage of our relationship. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. There are those brief periods of time where I can tell Sir is trying to find his way back, as though he knows he has pushed me way too far. But... my guard is up and I simply clam up. I  know, and we all know that two wrongs do not make things right.

Right now, my heart just wants things to return to normal. Then there is that part of my heart that is stubborn and hurting that keeps sending a message to shut down until he is past all of this. I have tried everything I know to help him, support him and take care of him. Has this always been with the best of attitudes? Probably not. There are days when Sir is being so difficult that he feels unlovable and I am shocked, hurt and saddened that I would feel this way. I know in reality Sir still loves me, it just doesn't feel that way, and he is probably struggling with his pain.... and so.. I love him anyway.

Yes, I know. Arguing really does not help any situation. I have always had a need to "be heard" and
so yes.. there are times when I argue because I want to explain my reasoning and to be heard. Sir is not always being rational right now, that is the truth. So I try to help in whatever way I can. I can only hold my tongue so long... and then an explosion will occur. We have had two such circumstances over the past 6-8 weeks. I am not proud of this, I am embarrassed actually. Both times I felt pushed against a wall and I just let Sir have it with all that I am. I did not say hurtful things to him I don't feel, just things that I felt really were occurring that were detrimental to him and to us. I basically told him what I would and would not tolerate moving forward if he wanted me to continue to help him. Now that I have shared that, I can see where that sounds like an ultimatum. It really was not intended as such.

Yes.. this is my heart right now. It feels heavy, broken and burdened. I feel as though I have failed Sir in every way possible especially right now. I can not depend or rely on him to help get me out of my dark place. And while I try to be strong, do all the right things, nothing feels right. I am off, we are off.

Last Sunday, we were heading out to go boating on the lake for the day. Our son was to come along to help with taking the boat to the lake and getting his Dad on the boat. We all felt it would be a good thing as we have not had time out on the lake yet this summer. Somewhere along the line as we were getting ready that morning, I was helping Sir into the truck, I must have said something that really set him off. One minute we were getting ready to leave and the next minute Sir suddenly turned off the truck. Got himself out, got his walker out, yelled for me to get out and go inside the garage right now, he was going to settle things once and for all. So.. inside the garage we went. Sir was yelling.. he would say loudly talking during this time, telling me that he was tired of my sassiness, disrespect shown to him in public, and it was time all of the above stopped. "Get over the car right now young lady he said." I was stunned. Sir said.. I am going to give you a spanking that you will never forget. To say that I was stunned is an understatement. Sir does not do discipline spankings. And now.. he chooses to do so? My heart is racing because he is so upset. I do know better than to argue at this point but I am thinking.. do I deserve this after all I have done for him? I apparently was not moving fast enough and despite the fact that Sir is using a walker, he put me over the car so quickly my head was spinning. My dress is pulled up, his hand is on my back and he spanks hard and fast. In fact, I am not sure when he has spanked that hard with his hand. My emotions were all over the place, but I stayed put and went with the moment. First discipline spanking ever, and.. I really didn't think it was fair.
Sir finished up, we got back into the truck and went about our day. We had a good time at the lake, but I was cautious and quite. We haven't talked about this yet, and I am still trying to decide what I make of all of this.

So... daily no matter how I am feeling, and regardless of Sir's mood, I am doing my best to show

through my actions rather than my words that I do love him, and I am sorry he is having such a hard time. I still want "us" to be back to normal.

And while I searched for pictures for this post, I came across this one above and it spoke to my heart.
I need to open my heart to be able to "forgive" Sir for not being at his best right now regardless of his reasons, right or wrong. I need to spend some time in quiet reflection about our relationship and TTWD. I need to find my "soft" place in my mind and in my heart. I am still feeling hopelessly lost as Sir continues to mend. I wonder what "we" will look like in the weeks ahead. So for now, I say a quiet prayer for Sir, one for me and one for "us" that we will get back to normal in the weeks ahead.
I miss our special connection. I miss the balance we had. I took for granted the lifestyle we had.
I miss my Sir....

Freaking out, Talking, Pay the Price, Leaning in....

I am a bit delayed in posting recently just due to the "business of life" I am sure all of you know how these things can occur from time to time. I continue to read blogs when I can and often "think" about these blogs for awhile and what I can learn from them.
Meredith from: New Twist, after all these years, always posts subjects that seem to be affecting me at the same time often leaving me with much to think about.

This is me... Freaking out. Not just occasionally, but more like at least once a day and sometimes more frequently depending on how tired or stressed out I may be. This is a "nice" picture of someone freaking out. I am certain I look far worse than this and most likely sound even worse. Freaking out at my house will typically lead to arguments with myself and Sir as I loose all sense of time and reality wanting to "be heard" This is an ongoing issue for me and for Sir. It also does not typically end well for me. I am like a run away freight train barreling down the track headed for disaster. Now I know I have this flaw. Certainly Sir knows I have this flaw and I CLEARLY know how he feels about this behavior and yet..... I can not seem to control myself despite the many times I have found myself over the bed with Sir making his feelings well known. How many of you have an issue about yourself that you know needs to change but for some reason you just can not quite make that happen? Or if you do, what steps are you taking to help yourself make the necessary changes? Please fill me in......
Meredith asks about talking your way out of a spanking. Well... guilty as  charged. Lately I find myself constantly trying to talk my way out of a spanking regardless of the reason that Sir feels the need to deliver one. I am not sure what is going on here with this. Somehow, I think it has to do with power and control. That's probably a dangerous slope to be on. I mean after all, Sir is to lead and I am to follow right?

 Problem you say? Yes. This is me... ALL the time. Always standing with my hands on my hips as I am talking. Now that I look closer at this picture it does looks pretty "sassy" wouldn't you agree?
Certainly not at all respectful particularly if one is trying to make a case for not getting spanked. In our house, spankings occur when Sir determines they are necessary and most of the time he does not announce them, he just puts me over his lap or tells me over the bed which is never a good thing and a quite awkward position to try and talk your way out of something. Sir spanks, and most of the time once he is done, I am no longer in the mood to further discuss if it was necessary or not. By this time Sir has made his feelings clearly known on my rear end. Sometimes though, and this can be days or weeks later, the subject will resurface and that can be a good time to talk about whatever the issue was because I am not in the heat of the moment and then I am willing to listen to Sir's reason. 

Always a good rule to remember. It's the willingness part of simply obeying in the moment whether you are in agreement or not. Why or why is this so hard to get a handle on? Again.. two things come to mind.... power and control. Most of you will recall I retired at the end of January this year after a 35 year career in which I made many life and death decisions and was given a significant amount of power and control. I didn't think much about that then or how it was ultimately affecting our relationship. Now we are working together 24/7 and it is perfectly obvious to me that I have an issue with this. After all.. there can only be one Chief and several Indians so to speak. Their should only be one Leader in the home with one willing to follow. Again.. I clearly struggle with this issue.

I suppose all I can really say here is.... yes sir, I do need to be spanked. Sometimes it is THE ONLY way to catch my attention. Sir has no problems with providing this service.

While Sir's spankings definitely are not gentle, they do serve as a reminder that he is strong, capable, a leader in our home and that he cares enough and loves me enough to keep me on the right path and ultimately keeps peace in our home. That then is when I lean in real close, and while I may have tears, I am thankful for this man of mine.

Just how much does Sir know? Warning..Rambling post

Cute right? This is my newest fur ever cat that I adopted February 14th. His name is Baxter. He is quite the lover and a handful. Sir says just like me. Humm. Now what does THAT mean exactly.
Notice anything else in this photo? Let's take a closer look shall we? Now what we have here is a
perfectly innocent picture of Baxter's play toy. A mouse that dangles from the end of a very flexible bendable stick. He loves it. I did too, until... Sir picked this up on Sunday afternoon, whipped it around a couple of times through the air. What a whooshing sound it made. He asked if I thought it sounded like a willow stick. Well.. now that you mention it, I suppose it does. Next he says.... "Turn around" giving that all knowing serious look. Really?, I am thinking in my head. Oh well, how bad could this toy really hurt anyway? So I turn around and he quickly flicked his wrist. Yes I said flicked his wrist, not much of a swing,  and with one fell swoop that plastic stick struck the bottom of my rear end and I don't know who yells louder, me or the cat. I mean ladies, that item brought tears to my eyes and I was silenced. Sir then says with a smile.. "See? Most any item in my hand could be a new implement of choice. I rather think I like this one!" Me.... DEFINITELY not. Especially when he assures me "just imagine what this would feel like on your bare bottom and not through jeans." Well.. I would really rather not imagine if you don't mind.

Me. All me. Every bit me. Sassy, Sassy and more Sassy. In fact my name could be Ms. Sassy Pants!
I ALWAYS have to put my two cents, ok maybe a few dollars worth of input in. I will not be quiet until I have said what I intended to say whether asked or not.
I apparently have a "tone" that Sir frequently picks up on that really irritates him to no end  and that is probably putting it mildly.  Let's be honest ladies... when we respond back to our men, I am guessing we really are very much aware of just how we really sound, but we say what we say anyway and worry about the consequences later right? Then there are those times when we think we are making a simple response and BAM!!! Right out of the blue.... we are reprimanded for our "tone." This conversation occurs in our house sadly on a daily basis. I have been told time and time again to "watch my tone" " Your getting sassy young lady" " I would stop where your at if I were you." Now just exactly how many warnings does a gal need to stop with the "tone?" Well I guess in my case, many a warnings go unheeded.
Fast forward to Sunday night. Sir has me undress. I am thinking... yes. We are going to have some fun lovin' time and I sure could use the attention. What does Sir say?
"Get on your knees and do not move." Whooooa there. Did he just say what I thought he said? Sure. I have been on my knees before but never under a direct command. He told me I needed to move quicker. So.. down on my knees I went. He simply stayed sitting on the side of the bed. In less than 5 minutes I was already getting fidgety. Sir simply said. "I want you to be still." I started to explain to him how uncomfortable I was getting. He continued to look at me. Finally he said. "I could make this much more uncomfortable for you. I could have you kneeling on a rough mat or on pebbles, now THAT young lady would be uncomfortable wouldn't you agree?" I was truly silenced. Now, Sir is saying things that I have read about in blogs and in some of the fictional spanking stories I have read but I have never, ever discussed those stories with him. For those of you that follow my blog, you probably recall that I have shared many times Sir really does not read much. So if this is so.. HOW in the world does he know these things? My thoughts are interrupted with Sir discussing that "being punished is not suppose to be comfortable" My mind did a complete 180 turn. Sir also does not spank for punishment. What is he saying here? He then asks if I am familiar with having to kneel for periods of time to reflect? Am I also familiar with kneeling on rough mats to reinforce the punishment? I nearly lied. My mind went to these two pictures I had in my mind from what I had read.

   Neither one of these two mats seem very appealing right now or ever, for that matter. In fact, I am not happy I am still kneeling here on this carpet. I attempt to grab a pillow and this is promptly taken away by Sir. "Need I tell you one more time, you are being punished and you may not have a pillow." Now, I am beginning to wonder just what is going on here with my Sir?  Next he says.. "in 5 minutes you are to get up and find a corner and stand there until I tell you, you may come out." Really?

Yep, again, just like I have read about. My heart is fluttering and my mind is racing. How does he know about this? Am I going to be able to do as I am told? Sir is continuing to stare at me. "I bet your wondering right now, how I know these things right?" All I could do was shake my head yes. Sir said
"All men who can take charge of their women, know these things. It's not rocket science you know. I know just exactly what a naughty young lady needs to get back on track. It's just common sense really." Sir then says. " what I expect from you right now while you are here on your knees and soon to be in the corner.. is for you to STOP wondering how do I know things, and start thinking about your sassy attitude and your sassy mouth and what you need to do to stop with this behavior."  Time is up. Thankfully, Sir is kind enough still to help me up off the floor. He then tells me.. "go to the corner and stand there until I tell you to come out." Ha... now this is so much easier I thought. I am not so uncomfortable.  I could probably do this a long time. Get the picture here yet ladies? I am STILL NOT focused on my behavior. The time drags on. Sir is watching something on TV. Now I am getting irritated. I am getting cold.  I mean here in my neck of the woods, it is still cold at night. I still sleep with a flannel shirt and socks and under piles of blankets and comforters. And the time drags on.

I can hear the clock ticking away. I can hear one TV show ending and another starting. I am getting fidgety once again. I heard Sir sigh. He said... " come over here now." The TV goes off.  I walk over to his side of the bed where he is pointing. He said.. " bend over the bed now" Those words are not usually good words. I don't even get to be over his lap where I much prefer to be. Sir interrupts my thoughts and says.. "I want to assure you this will not be a GG spanking." I said.. what do you mean? He says.. "oh you know, Good Girl spankings, Bad Girl spankings." Do I know? Well yes of course I do. Again, I read, he does not. I am familiar with the "lingo" I didn't think Sir was. Once again he points to the bed and says "bend over and stay there."  I hear his dresser drawer open where he keeps the implements. I turn my head to see which one he is choosing. Frankly, neither one that he keeps there is going to be a good choice. Sir sees me looking and tells me... "This is all my choice you understand that right?" Yes Sir, I said. Sir said... "this is what happens when naughty young ladies who have a Sassy mouth are insistent on NOT listening to what they are being told. They are spanked good and hard so that you will have something to think about for the next several hours. Perhaps the next time I give you a warning, you will remember this night and act accordingly."

With that, Sir used the dreaded leather strap. I honestly can not remember the last time he has spanked so hard. My bottom was on fire. I was definitely sorry I had not heeded any prior warnings.
I was now focused for sure on what he was concerned with. My sassy attitude and sassy mouth.
Sir interrupts these thoughts and says. "I guess your not feeling so sassy right now are you?" No sir, I am not feeling sassy at all. I am only feeling as though my bottom is on fire and I need you to stop. Those thoughts were in my head. I only said.. "No sir, I am not. I am sorry" and I started to cry. A few more spanks to complete his point and he was finished. Sir then said... To bed. You are tired and you need to get some rest. I went to my side of the bed and as I went to sit down, the cool crisp cotton sheets felt rough against my now very sore bottom. I actually moaned a bit that I was tender. Sir looked at me and said.. "Good. I want you thinking about this for a very long time." Perhaps now you will listen to what I am telling you right?" Right, I said.  I would certainly hope to remember this night for a very long time to come.
So some of you may ask what is the point of this entire post? Well I am not sure really except to say.. never underestimate your HOH. Just about the time you think they "don't get it" believe you me, most likely they really do. So be careful what you wish for.... your wishes may come true.
                                                                    

Confession

 I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter weekend with Family and friends or whatever you chose to do on this blessed holiday. I am not really sure what exactly happened in our neck of the woods but it wasn't good. I had been looking forward to attending Easter services which has been a rare event in past years with hubby's line of work. We had a great week leading up to Easter but sometime Saturday night hubby said something to me that set me on fire. I mean I was angry and upset so much so that I just stopped talking to him. We went to bed late and I stewed about what had happened as I faced away from him in bed and he of course oblivious to how mad I really was, was already peacefully sleeping away. Sunday morning came and he awakened me early to attend the early morning service. I got up still not very communicative and showered and got ready. We arrived for Easter services on time.

I mean Easter is a day to celebrate Jesus's resurrection after enduring more pain and suffering than any other human being should ever have to endure. It is a time for us to reflect on what he did for us so that we would have everlasting life. I could not get my head or my heart to focus on this joyous
time of celebration. I went through the motions but that was about it. I was sad that I failed my God and that the reason was so stupid.. I was angry at something hubby said and I couldn't or wouldn't let it go. I couldn't find my joy in the day and I knew that my behavior was wrong and yet I was like a run away train on a track headed for trouble. Yes, I know, I should be ashamed. And while I prayed to God for his forgiveness, I still was not in any mood to take the steps to just put behind me my anger.

Then this happened. Late Sunday night, we both decided we were tired and went to bed early, only to be awakened with hubby being very, very sick. Now you should know he is rarely sick but when he is, he really is. He is not like most other men we read about. He is not a whiner, or a complainer. He just gets very quiet and just wants to sleep. Without all the graphic details,he had the worst GI bug I have ever seen and he had to humble himself to allow me to clean up after him several times over the past 48-72 hours. He kept apologizing and I kept saying don't worry, it happens and I can handle this. Let me take care of you. His stomach pain was increasing instead of decreasing to the point that I really felt like he might have something much more serious going on than a GI bug. He even missed work for 2 days and my son and I and our staff ran our business without him there. He never misses work either.

Sometime over the past several days, I realized that I simply stepped in to take care of him even though when we went to bed that Sunday night I was angry and still holding a grudge about something that was said. Then I realized that I could no longer even remember what he had said or done that had me so angry that I let it ruin my Easter and our day. Must not really have been that important if I couldn't remember the issue right? What I do know is the sicker he became the more worried I became. I felt lost and helpless. My mind started spinning. What if something bad is happening? What if something goes terribly wrong and I lose him.? Whatever had happened that made me so angry was not worth the time I spent distancing myself for a day, when at some point in time I might find myself without him for a lifetime.

And then it happened. My eyes started to fill with hot tears. I tried to hold them back. I was ashamed and embarrassed of my attitude and my thoughts over the past several days. Have I not learned anything from TTWD? Apparently not what I need to have learned. The more I thought about my behavior, the more my heart began to hurt. I cried for sometime. Hurt, frustrated and alone with my thoughts. I have a lot of work to do here ladies. I can say the things I want to do and see changes, but in the heat of the moment, I am unable to submit and follow his lead. I fail time and time again.

Then I thought about our vows spoken so many years ago. The ones to love each other in sickness and in health. Well I certainly love my man right now even during this illness. I have had to do a lot of unpleasant things  but have willingly done so because  I want him to feel better and be better. The above photo reminded me of a similar one I posted not long ago, about his expectations for me to be obedient to him because I willingly will do so from my heart. Many things we do come from our hearts and we have a choice whether we freely give of ourselves from our hearts.

I am pleased to share that hubby is finally on the road to recovery and more like himself today. So much so that he pulled out the paddle this morning and said... "too much time has passed and I am certain you are in need of this." Well....yes I am. Not now I said. You are still recovering and I want you well. Inside my heart and my mind... I was thinking. Yes, I not only need but deserve to be over your lap for the ugly thoughts I had earlier in the week, for distancing myself because  I was too angry to speak about the issue I was upset with so we could put it behind us. I let the ""problem" become my focus and not the person I am in love with. Yes ladies... I have a very long way to go yet
on this journey. For now, I am thankful that Sir is recovering, and that I still have a God that I know has forgiven me for my lack of joy on Easter Sunday. I hope that Sir and I will soon get back on the same page with each other and more importantly that this stubborn temper and pride of mine will soften with time and we can continue to move closer together.

Peace and Happy Easter

Ahhhh... Spring is officially finally here. I love this time of the year when we see the first signs of new growth in the garden, flower beds and the trees. The skies are blue, the sun is out and the air is fresh. It's a new season.

The same is true in our home right now. It is a new season for us as we move forward on our TTWD
journey. I found the above picture and felt like it really spoke to me and where we are today. Certainly with my most recent lifestyle changes this has helped to decrease my overall stress levels and I am truly at peace and the happiest I have been in so many months. Sir has his way of keeping me in check and is doing so with great regularity these days. I am finding a "soft" side to me that has been buried deep down for a long time. Allowing that side to come out I have found, has also allowed me to find my submissive side that I was certain did not exist. This makes me happy and makes Sir pleased and happy as well.

Sir has always said that he expects my obedience to be freely given. I am finding it much easier to do so when I open my heart and give willingly. Now I am not saying I am perfect by any means and certainly there are those moments when my feisty, sassy, hot tempered self comes to the surface.
I need only to remember who holds this in their possession.

Yep, Sir found our riding crop in the closet this morning. Sir knows how to use this to his advantage to get a message across and while it has been some time since this has been used, I have not forgotten previous messages that were delivered using this implement. One definitely and very quickly will come to see Sir's perspective. And  so... I continue to practice saying Yes, Sir as my way of remembering to be respectful in my responses whether I agree or not. Hopefully I can keep up the good streak I have had lately, because Sir has assured me the next discussion we have, the riding crop will also be a part of. Ummm no I would really rather not. Wish me luck. I have no doubt he will keep up his end of the discussion.

So with those thoughts, I will end with something soft and pretty. Wishing all of you and your families a blessed Easter weekend, and the joys and peace of the new Spring season.

To Talk or not to Talk, That is the question.

So here in our little neck of the woods, the burning question remains... Do I have "the talk" or do I "listen" and watch for the ques that Sir is definitely giving me. So as not to keep everyone here in suspense... no we have not yet held "the talk" that I thought would have occurred last weekend.

So this is how it has played out in my mind as I anxiously await the right time if there ever is really a right time. The above picture is us only most likely Sir is watching one of his favorite shows and I am sitting by also watching but also thinking.

Do we try to do it like this?

Or in my perfect world.. the set up would look more like this, but yet I recall hearing sometimes having "the talk" goes better when driving and all eyes are looking ahead. For us though, we don't get to travel very much due to our business and so I need to find a "block" of time that doesn't interfere with our routine and doesn't seem staged if you will.

And so.. we are still in a holding pattern waiting for the right time to hold "the talk"

After this past weekend, I am truly wondering if we "need" to talk as Sir has had his own entire agenda. I will tell you a quick story here. So we have all been to the Bed, Bath, & Beyond store.
Probably most of us have wandered through these kinds of stores and have thought about normal household items that could very easily become an implement of choice for our HOH. But do any of us think that the same may be true for our HOH? That they actually think these same thoughts? Well think no more. As I was pondering the selection of a new set of egyptian cotton sheets that we were there for, Sir was no where to be found. We finally found each other and selected our sheets. Sir then says.. you will never guess what I have found here that is most certainly needed in our home.
What I innocently asked? He gave a very accurate description of what sounded to be like a "paddle" aka "cutting board. And please note below the EXACT image of what he showed me.

Yes ladies.. This is what Sir found that intrigued him so much that he actually tried it out, made sure it fit his hand, felt nice and sold and I wouldn't be surprised if he swung it a time or two!! My heart just dropped. We do have a paddle that I accidentally found at work one day and it is not a favorite.

This is a picture of that cutting board and I can tell you ladies that it does not take much persuasion on Sir's part with this in his hand to quiet this lady down.
Sir then went on to give a very accurate description of how the new implement would nicely cover both cheeks of my bottom real well thereby delivering a completed message. He felt it would turn my bottom a very nice  shade of red and most likely would leave me thinking about his message for at least a few hours if not for a day or two. Gulp... Wow. All of this is being explained to me as we are heading for the check out counter for the sheets, minus his new found implement. I didn't ask any questions but it was as if he could read my mind. "Don't worry little lady.. I am capable of making my way back to this store anytime and picking up that nice little cutting board, so don't think for one moment I won't do so." Hey what does one say to that? I kept quiet for sure for most of that day.
Does this sound like to you that we really need to hold "the talk" I am thinking not so much so.

Now what in the world does the above military emblem have to do with what happened this morning one would ask? Well let me tell you all. We were scheduled to participate in a military event with our local Air Force Base today. After we showered and were preparing to dress, Sir patted the bed and said these dreaded words.. go bring me your decorated yard stick and bend over the bed. I hesitated in my mind because heck, I had just showered, we are on a time schedule and I just want to get dressed and get going. Wrong. Sir says.." I am not asking you, I am telling you to get your yard stick and bend over this bed right now. He clearly was not playing around. This was a new experience for me.
I did as I was told. Over his lap and on the bed, Sir placed the yard stick on my bottom and began to talk. This is new for him. He reminded me of the importance of today, that he was in charge and the leader and I was to follow his lead without any question, no sass no back talk or any other mischievous behavior my mind could come up with. He expected me to be the professional and competent woman he knows I can be did I understand? Yes, you bet I understand. With a yard stick laying across my bare bottom, all messages were being received loud and clear. And with that he spanked firmly and with certainty. After about 6-7 swats in, I could distinctly feel his arm in the small of my back so that I could not get up. He kept spanking and talking about his expectations. I didn't cry, I was shocked that this had happened just the way I had always imagined that it would. I was absolutely crystal clear on his expectations for the day. Every time I sat down today,I was reminded of his message. The event went off great and we had a wonderful time. We got to our own business just in time to open up when out of the blue..Sir says.. did you have a good time? Yes I did I replied.
Did the message I delivered to you this morning help you to remember what I expected?  Oh it most definitely did Sir. Good he said. Don't ever forget I have the ability to deliver a message to you anytime, anywhere by any method I so choose. Are we both clear here? We are both clear here.

And so as this day closes, this is how I see us.We may not look like others, our relationship may not look like others, but then it shouldn't. We are who we are, and we have always done what works best for us whether we have had "the talk" or not. Now I am not saying that we shouldn't still have a conversation about TTWD. I have been searching for answers that have been in front of me the entire time. While Sir says he does not do disciplinary spankings, that man definitely knows how to deliver a message that is never forgotten. He is definitely a dominant take charge kind of guy. It has been my failure to "lean in" and lack of willingness to "listen up" that has caused most of our issues. I think an important milestone has occurred on our journey today and I feel that we are in a good place to continue moving forward in a manner that works for us both.

March Answers...

Thanks to those of you who asked some great questions. I will try to provide some answers, so here we go.

Meredith asks me a similar question I asked her...What do you do when your Sir says he is spanking and you do not want a spanking?

Well I wish I could say I was always a willing participant. Certainly if it is a GG spanking or what we call Stress relief spanking, there is no issue there. Everyone likes a GG spanking right? And Stress relief spankings while I might hesitate for a nano second, I know that he knows they are just what I need. Discipline on the other hand... well we are just now exploring these. Sir has always said that he does not spank for this reason as he expects me to willingly do as I am told. I can share there have been a handful of times though that he has spanked and while the spanking was not "announced as such," My mind, my heart, and my bottom most certainly could tell there was a message he was delivering. During those times, I have hesitated in the moment but eventually did as I was told because I believe in this life style. I am stubborn, so sadly I get rather sassy and mouthy which only makes things more difficult for the two of us during those times. Clearly Sir has a way of getting his message across as I can recall each of those times with absolute clarity and never repeated any of those poor decisions again. I will add, that in those moments I would find myself angry at him and myself. Once the spanking was done, and Sir had made his point, and I had time to reflect, it was me that was angry with myself, hurt, and disappointed that I had not done what was originally asked of me. Thanks Meredith for the question.

Jan askes: Does your husband use any discipline other than spanking, If so what? 

Also a good question Jan. No,at this time there are no other forms of discipline used. As we are looking at our situation though with the whole discipline aspect, I will be asking Sir if he has ever given thought to other options and if so what would they be? I will report out on this in another post. For me, because things can escalate so quickly, I would find being sent to a "quiet area" without any distractions and being told to "reflect" upon my behavior would be effective. I am an emotional thinker and once I get past the anger, and don't have the ability to remain defiant or sassy, my heart usually speaks to me and I am then more open to hearing Sir's side of the situation. Thanks Jan. 

Ella askes: What drew you to domestic disicpline? 

Well this question Ella could probably turn into a separate post all by itself. I 'll try to give a shorter version here. Sir and I have been together for 40+ years and even prior to being married, Sir would spank for behaviors less than pleasing. I found that side of him to be rather "hot" and it  also in some ways made me feel safe. Fast forward 30 + years and  I kept wondering why I was so attracted to "spankings" in general and low and behold.. googling on the internet led me to DD information that literally blew my mind away. As most of you know there is a whole host of information out there that can be over whelming. I really felt there was some validity to what I was reading on some sites and so I cautiously brought this up to Sir. We have never held the "official" talk on this issue, as Sir feels that he has been doing what comes naturally to him all his life. I am a gal who has to have "exact" answers to the whys and wherefores of life. And so.. I read, I share with him and basically Sir has just stayed consistent.  Thanks Ella. 

Lindy askes: What's your favorite part of TTWD? Does Sir or myself have any fantasies? 

I think my favorite part of TTWD, is simply that it works for us. Whether it is GG spankings to spice things up, Stress relief spankings which I have given up questioning why I crave and need these, right down to the few times I have had a discipline spanking, I know that Sir understands my inter most needs and never hesitates to provide for my every need. He leads with strength and certainly and I feel safe knowing he loves me enough to not let me hurt myself or our relationship with behaviors that can be destructive. Fantasies? Oh Sir has many fantasies as I imagine most men do. He appreciates the oriental culture and has stated on more than one occasion that he would love to have an oriental women or two take care of his needs because he knows they tend to place their man's pleasures first always and without any back talk. ( I used to feel offended by this, but now I see his point and I also hear the message in his heart of what he truly expects from his woman) Fantasy for me? Well... a bit more hard to say.. I would just have to say that the whole entire Dominant/Submissive role would play out exactly as we all have often read about in the fictional books such as PK Corey's Cassie's books or Cara Bristol's books from the Rod and Cane Society. I actually can see myself in some of these situations and being made to submit to a spanking because of disobedience. I think that part is simply because by nature I am feisty, defiant, strong willed, sassy and just plain difficult. It definitely takes a strong man to tame this wild gal down to a manageable quiet lady. Thanks Lindy

Well that wraps it up for 2016 March Questions. Thanks to everyone who wrote it. I enjoyed this more than I thought because it gave me something to truly reflect upon on my journey.