Thursday, January 9, 2014

Amazing what Conversation will reveal

Just wanted to share with those of you that follow, that I finally got the nerve up to ask some questions of my hubby that would help me know where we are at and more importantly where we need to be heading with our DD relationship. I have been giving this some thought for quite some time, and trying to find the right time has been challenging given our circumstances over the past month. I know from reading the blogs I follow, how important it is to not assume anything, and that
communication is everything. So I have prayed about this and asked that the time would present itself when appropriate, that I would not only be able to ask the questions I needed to ask, but more importantly that I would be receptive to the responses I might receive.

Over the weekend we were doing some traveling. We chatted about this and that at times, on occasion we were both into our own thoughts, we enjoyed the scenery around us. I felt my heart pounding and I felt my mind racing as I prepared to state what was on my mind. I finally took a deep breath and just forged ahead.

I asked my hubby if I could ask some questions that may be difficult, and could I count on him to give me his honest response regardless of how his response might make me feel. I let him know that I
had been doing some soul searching and needed to get some answers. I let him know that this was concerning our relationship and some of the things that I have been involved with in terms of trying to understand my behavior and how this affects our marriage both good and bad. He told me that he always has been honest in answering any questions I have asked and this would be no different. His calmness helped me to relax and move ahead. I felt safe.

I asked him about the 4 D's. Disrespect, Dishonesty, Disobedience, and Dangerous behavior. I asked him if he felt I exhibited all or some of these qualities and which ones in his opinion were the most concerning to him. At first he responded that really none of them were a huge issue and certainly not something that could not be worked through.  I asked him to be more specific. I reminded him that I was not perfect and I was more then certain that at least one of these was the source of disharmony in our relationship over the years. He then quickly, almost too quickly responded, "Disobedience" He told me that this was a huge issue for me and the most concerning for him. He told me he found me to be honest, perhaps a delayed response when asked a question, but that he felt for the most part that I was honest, and I would agree with that. Dangerous behavior.. he really did not feel that I was the type to have those issues, but that may need to be defined yet. ( I would say, that my issues with not eating and drinking well each day, lack of sleep, not relaxing, and most important not taking my meds could be considered dangerous behavior if I don't get this in check) I would have thought he would have said  disrespect, as I am quite sassy and have been known to not speak with a pleasant tone on many occasions. But no.... he says "disobedience" is the number one issue. So there we have it.

I asked him what he thought disobedience meant to him, and would he provide examples. He was very forthcoming. He said simply.. "Not doing what I ask of you, when I ask of you." It is just that simple. It was like an arrow went through my heart at that moment. My spirit, told me he was right.
He told me he suspected it is because of my work, in that all day long, I have to respond to others needs and wants, put out fires so that by the time I reach  home, I am sick of doing this and just disconnect. The problem? I am disconnecting from the one person who is my world. Have we discussed this? You bet. Over and over and over again. I put any and everything before him. I make up more excuses as to why I cannot do something for him than carter has pills. I find "busy" work and keep occupied even when I should be taking the time to rest, regroup, & reconnect with him, and this really infuriates him. He is tired of discussing this and expects a change. He knows I can not continue on like this, and he is not happy that this issue remains a problem. He states that this affects everything from getting him a glass of water to his request for sex. He tells me that obedience and submission are one in the same and that I needed to get this figured out and determine how I will be able to come to a place where I am able to be obedient and submit without question. He also knows my past history comes into play, in that I did not learn obedience as a child, never was held accountable nor disciplined as I should have been. He did say it is never too late, and this is what he has tried to do over the years. He said, this is what we have been doing now for several months right?
I said, right. I told him that I was thankful to have him as my husband, and for his patience and strength in dealing with these issues over the years. I told him, this was the year I truly wanted to make permanent changes.

While I wanted to ask him outright,  if he would make "disobedience" a spankable offense in our house, I chose to stop there and give thought to what he had revealed. He is not one for a whole host of rules and regulations. He expects obedience and submission pure and simple. I need to find a way to make this happen. I also know intelligently that I should be able to grasp this and just do what I am asked, I also know that I am stubborn, I distance myself, I have a poor attitude when things are not my way, and I am prideful. All of these are not the traits I need to have, nor will they allow me to become obedient or submissive. I am not proud to say this, but I think to be held accountable to meeting this expectation will require a test of the minds and spirit between the two of us. My best intentions have not cut it in the past, and I don't expect that they will now. I need to learn to not only accept his lead, but to follow through with his expectations. While I am learning to be more mindful of what I am trying to achieve, I still fail miserably on most occasions. After careful thought, I feel the only way I will "get this" is to be spanked for discipline purposes.

 I realize this will be very different from anything we have ever actually done before. I need the boundaries to be set, I need to know what to expect if I cross that line in the sand, I need to know I will have serious consequences to face if I do not follow through with learning this lesson of complete obedience and submission. This matters to him, it now matters to me. How often will I have to face this type of punishment? Well I suppose that is up to me. Hopefully only once, but knowing how stubborn I can be, sadly it may take several attempts for him to make his point. I know I can do this, I just need him to help me. I don't want to ask this of him, but he is the one I trust. He knows my mind, he knows my heart. If anyone can get through to me, I know he will.  I guess my next step is to just ask him if he will help me overcome my rebellious and prideful spirit by using discipline spanking to hold me accountable. I may need to be careful of what I ask for, as my hubby is a man of his word and I have absolutely no doubt that he will teach me to meet his expectations. I am not afraid of him, I do not look forward to being punished by him for failing to learn the lessons he wants from me. I am more afraid of failing him overall. I need him more now than ever. He is my rock, he is my everything.

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