Stormy times, tough lessons, and many reasons to be thankful......

So friends, it truly has been 2 months since I last posted. In those weeks we faced stormy times, & tough lessons but came through with so many reasons to be thankful. Actually I have started and stopped many times to offer a post in order to document my journey. Things just kept changing so quickly that I simply did not have time and needed to focus all of my energy on just getting through our situation.

"Sometimes it is so hard to see the forest through the trees"

And so as the saying goes, many times on our journey, it was very hard to see where we were headed or to know what was going to happen. For me, this was unusually hard as I am the type of person who has to have a clear cut plan in order to have control over what will happen. In our situation, this was impossible. Not having control leads to well.... total frustration, anxiety, moodiness, anger, and yes you guessed it... total disruptive behavior.                                                                                         

I am happy to share that we did come through our "storm" and survived the hard times and can see the sunshine once again. As always, God knows the plans that he has in store for us and will not bring you to something if he is not going to see you through the situation.The question is: Do you trust and believe that this is possible? Now that we have passed through the hard times, I can tell you that I so appreciate the good times we are enjoying now. There were times of heartache, there were times of tears, there were times of fears and there were times of anger. None of the above feelings changed anything. Sometimes you don't know what you have until you no longer have it. Sometimes you have to be at your lowest point looking up before you can see the answers. Sometimes you have to accept what is before you, in order to move ahead. We at least... had each other. United we stand, divided you will fall. This was a test of our marriage at it's most difficult time. TTWD/DD definitely played a role in the survival of our marriage as we went through this trial. It is odd when I think back on things. We started this lifestyle nearly a year ago now, and had no idea as to the importance this would play in the months ahead.

                            Truth is.... there was a lot of this.................................

Then there were "the looks" & times I should have listened...... 

but instead crossed right over the line and found........

When you find yourself at this end point..... with no other place to go, the next stop is...........

Yes.... right over Sir's lap for a often painful yet meaningful discussion.

If your not seeing eye to eye before this, you will definitely be seeing eye to eye after this.

Need I really say more here?

Yes... I have finally learned that when I choose to obey without question, & let Sir lead, then the pressures and worries are for him to carry, I can then follow and rest easy in his decisions. 

Let's not forget the special friend that is always present, always supportive when you feel there is no one that understands. This is a gift which is not measurable. For this friend.... I am eternally grateful.



And so here we are. We are enjoying the sunshine after the storm. For those of you following my journey, we did not have to sell our business. We did not have to sell our home. In fact we were blessed so abundantly that it exceedingly surpassed our expectations.We instead were blessed with the inheritance of Sir's fathers estate, which allowed us to pay off in full all of our debts, our business and our home. We finally can rest easy and rejoice in this true blessing that has been provided. As for Sir and I, we have grown together in our relationship. It has not been easy, it has been challenging, but I do know this.....I will follow my Sir anywhere that he leads........he is my forever love.

Tired.......

Tired.....

This captures it all for me right now. I am not trying to be a "downer" but I have hit the brick wall of all times. I am so tired, that I don't know if I am coming or if I am going. I am truly incapable of making the many decisions I need/have to make each day and yet I keep placing one foot in front of the other and put on my happy smile, do what needs to be done, make the decisions that I make every day both personal and professionally.

For all of my friends here in blog land, believe me when I say that it is not that I do not care about any of you, it's just that at this moment in time, I have nothing else left to give or even words of value for any of you. I am emotionally and physically drained. I can barely manage to handle myself and my own world much less anything else. I do want to say, that I continue to faithfully follow blogs, and in many instances they have lifted me up, provided a smile to my heart, and much needed laughter when I have needed it. My point? While I have not always responded, all of you are there when I have needed you to be even if you are unaware that you have met a need or my need specifically. For this... I am blessed, I am thankful. I hope to repay this forward in the future.

Hubby and I made a life changing decision back in June, to sell our home and our business for reasons that are really out of our control. It was a painful decision as this is not what we expected at this stage in our lives. As the course of life would have it, even that decision is not going the way in which we would have expected. We wonder if God is watching over us and keeping us from making the wrong decision even though we both are convinced we are right.

The issue? Most of you know I am a very black and white thinker, very little gray in between. I am also a very emotional thinker. I am very OCD in all phases of my life. You can than only imagine the turmoil I am faced with each and every day not knowing what the outcome will be. This is a challenge for me and for hubby. This is where TTWD/DD is coming into play. Oh sure, there have been some "spats" between us, and while I can be difficult, I am reminded of the need to remain respectful in my conversation even when I do not agree or am frustrated. The lines of communication are open between us, Most times we are able to converse like grown adults. Other times...This is what occurs.

Hubby has his HOH hat on quite tightly these days. He is not hesitating to send me a message when my stubbornness and pride get in the way of "hearing" what he is trying to say and what I need to be learning. Timing in this is everything. He is not letting anything slide. Mostly he is keeping me from sinking down into a deep dark hole forcing me to communicate with him like the grown adult I am suppose to be. If I choose not to..he gives me a opportunity, then gives me a warning, and if I continue on... well then I find myself over his lap for a different kind of discussion which always seems to bring his point right home. He is loving and caring always, sometimes no words are exchanged and yet his message is always there. He will break down the walls of my defenses, he reassures me we will get though these tough times. I am drawn to his protectiveness, his dominance, his love. In times like this, I refocus on "us" and what is really important regardless of any other issues.

And while everyone says I am strong, I don't see myself this way. I need hubby to take my hand and tell me everything will be ok. In that moment it is. What I need to remember is to trust in his leadership, continue to follow, and accept what eventually happens. I trust him with my life,with our relationship. He always puts my needs first, and while I don't always see things in the moment, I can say he has never led me astray. I am blessed to have been provided a strong leader and I am truly thankful for all that he does to insure my safety, my needs and that he is always there to protect me.

Right now, while my life and my heart feels fragile, I feel I have little else to give him in return for all that he is and all that he means to me... Submission is something that I can freely give, It is a conscious decision that is made in everything that I do, small or large. It is something that I am finally grasping. While my heart feels as fragile as the rose above, it is my heart softly opening and accepting all that he has to give me. It is me... despite all difficulties... wanting to give the love of my life my all. It is what he deserves, it is all that I have to give in this moment to my sir.

Subtle Submission

I have been doing some thinking recently and wonder what others of you do to keep submission in your sight. I hate to be the one to admit that I have a temper, definitely can have an attitude, am sassy and defiant and in general want to have the last word. What does this result in?
                                                           
There needs to be a chain of command that is followed in the military. I was raised in a military family and the expectations for behavior were clearly outlined. This included a respectful "yes, sir"
when answering my dad. He was the head of our house. Why then, should things be any different with my husband who is the leader in our home?

All on my own several months ago, when sir and I had a major misunderstanding, I was determined to find a way in which I would consistently respond to him with words that would show my level of respect and also serve as a reminder in my heart where I needed to be.

Now sometimes truthfully, this is the way it can come out when I am responding. I don't think this is quite the way sir appreciates my response. It had better be more like a simple:

Honestly, I have really worked so very hard at just saying a simple "yes, sir" I find it does soften my heart and put me in a place of willing submission. In the event it does not, this is often what can be the end result....

This kind of end result is not always pleasant. And yet it is funny, this end result also ends with the same two words: "yes, sir" My submission is definitely present. The difference you ask? I had to pay the consequence of not simply being submissive to begin with. And so.. it is so much easier to just say....

When I do, sir is happy, I am happy and we have peace and harmony in our marriage. He continues to lead, and I, continue to follow.

What phrases, or thoughts come to your mind, that help keep you in a submissive mind set?

Just for Rogue....

Just for Rogue, I thought I would share some of my personal favorite "Keep Calm quotes"

Is this testing your HOH or what?

Or your HOH right?


Or maybe I did want you to be looking out....


If so, best to confess and hope for the best....



  I guess this is what is to be expected !


Chocolate is the cure for a multitude of issues and comfort.
Just maybe, having some will sooth your mind and your sore bottom
as you think things over.



As always, when all else has failed , keep on trying!!!!!




























     

Now THAT Hurts!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week while cleaning out an area in our business, I came across an item that caused me to stop dead in my tracks. I studied "said" item, and thought well this would certainly be effective if it were to come in contact with my backside. At the end of the night, hubby was closing things up and suddenly came up  behind me and told me to bend over the desk. SMACK, SMACK! What ever he was using really had some sting. I turned around to see he had grabbed a small metal tray and that is what he had used. No I don't have a picture of that... but I do have a picture of this.....

Yes.... this is the EXACT item I had found earlier in the evening but had not yet showed it to him.
Call me crazy but I thought this would be the time to show it to him, so I did. Conveniently it fit his large hand quite well, I thought with the small handle it would be hard for him. Silly me!!! Naturally he had to try it out. Bend over again he says. Now...... I am anxious. me, who has been spanked many times over the years, has never experienced a paddle. The dreaded item in my mind. But heck... I did see it, I did wonder about it, I did show it to him, what else was he suppose to do?
And so.... SMACK, SMACK AND SMACK!!!! And man oh man......the burn and the sting quickly brought tears to my eyes. He was just trying it out, no real effort behind it, but my bottom and the meeting with the wood...let's just say made a permanent impression in my mind and for certain on my bottom. He got a good laugh, I even laughed after the shock wore off. He went to close up, and I slipped this item in my travel bag to take home. Probably better there than at work.
I placed it in his drawer once we were home thinking it would be at least a few days before he considered using it again. WRONG!!!!! DEAD WRONG. As I was climbing into bed, he suddenly said...come here. I cautiously climbed out of bed and went to him, thinking that he was just going to top off the spanking. So over his lap I went... then... I heard the drawer open. And yes, that paddle came out. The difference? At work I had my slacks on. Now over his lap, he pulled my night shirt up and yep...bare bottom. Did the adrenalin start flowing? I nearly thought I was going to die from the pure anxiety.

I knew he would go easy, but really? He started to spank. He was slow, careful but accurate. My bottom was hot, burning and stinging. Maybe I got 6-8 swats, I kinda lost count in the moment.
He let me up. I knew then what it means to do a "spanking dance." I wanted to just rub away the feeling. He was just so laughing. I was sort of laughing, did have some tears... you know mixed emotions. He placed the paddle back in his drawer where I have the feeling this is going to be a regular item now used. He told me I could go get in bed. The coolness of those cotton sheets sure felt good on my now sore bottom. We snuggled in. He placed his hand on my bottom and I quickly drifted off to sleep.      When I woke up in the morning... This is what was on my mind!

Amazing what a piece of wood can  do and say to make such an impression!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can be absolutely certain, that I do NOT want to EVER be paddled with this board for failure to be obedient. Time will certainly tell.                                                                                

Choices?

Apparently there are some instances where there are choices that are allowed.
It has been a very busy week as usual.  I feel that given the circumstances of my personal life
along with what has occurred here in blog land this week, I have been fairly cooperative and pleasant.

Yesterday, hubby called to give me some information regarding our business so that I could take care of it from where I was at with my "regular job" I felt I was listening... responding appropriately...until I heard him say... I am going to spank your butt. What? Huh? What did you say? Apparently, that got my full attention. I asked once again if he was serious.

"I am going to spank your butt when I get home tonight he repeated. You are to gather several items and lay them on the bed and make yourself ready. When I call you to tell you I am headed home, you need to get ready and be waiting for me, understand?" I said, "but aren't you suppose to decide what is used when spanking?" He says.. "Oh don't you worry about that. I will decide what will be used and how. You just have things ready." Well what does one say except......Yes sir.

So I arrive home rather late. I did a few things around the house. Then I remembered what he had said earlier in the afternoon. Well ok.... I actually thought about it most of the afternoon as this was a first. So.... I start looking around for "items" it's not like we have a large stockpile of items we use. But here is what I found and laid out.                                            

Now what does one do? I studied the items for awhile and wondered which one he would actually use. Well I didn't have to wait long. His text arrived telling me he was on his way home. Nothing else was mentioned. I wondered if he would even have remembered what he had said earlier in the afternoon. Soon I heard his keys in the door. The adrenalin surged. I waited for him to come upstairs. He did not keep me waiting. He came in, handed me the dinner he had made and said, place this over there for later. He then turned up the speed on the ceiling fan. I said, we don't need that on so cool. He said.. oh you will need it in just a few minutes when I start to heat up that bottom of yours. He pulled the covers off of me and told me to turn over. He started with the paint stick and told me this was for being sassy in the hardware store earlier in the week. ouch................Then he told me to get out of bed. He motioned me over his lap. He used the hairbrush next... several good hard smacks. Stopped, rubbed my back, told me to settle down. Proceeded again with the brush. Several more good hard smacks were delivered to my backside. He asked if I was settling down. "Yes sir" I replied. Good he said.
He rubbed my back and my bottom a bit more. Handed me my pillow and said you will need this.
The next thing I felt was the familiar "sting" of the heavy leather strap. Now he was getting serious. He spanked hard and long. Told me I needed to not move. He would let me know when he was  done. The spanking continued, until I was totally spent. When he was done, he had me turn around. He admired his work. He said my bottom was just red enough. He hugged me, told me he loved me, and said.. Now you will sit on your sore bottom and eat the dinner I have fixed for you without argument. Are we clear? Yes.... I am absolutely clear.

Dinner was eaten, it was delicious. Then... a little lovin took place, he asked nothing of me, but I can say this.... I felt like a limp wet noodle.... promptly fell asleep and slept soundly through the entire night. I awoke fresh and ready to face our weekend.

So sir, knew instinctively what I was in need of. It was amazing. Just glad I really wasn't in trouble, because three implements at one time was new for me, and I can say that I still feel that nice warm burn as I sit today. I would say he had his HOH hat on good, and I might add.... his dominance was quite hot and sexy!!!

Trying to find the humor

So it is suppose to be natural for us to obey our husbands. But is it really?
Sure when we are in agreement and everything is going our way, no problems. Everything works out well for all. But what happens when we do not agree with what is being asked, or we are having a bad day, or we just plain don't feel like it?

I found this picture and it just made me laugh so hard, I had tears. This is SO.......me! Stubborn and prideful. I have never had to do corner time. Recently, I wondered if it would work for me. To be sent to a corner to think things over or to wait to be spanked does seem like it would be rather effective if one were in the right mindset.

And so.... because I have "attitude," I am most certain this is what would happen next. I showed hubby this picture of the little girl.. and with a twinkle in his eye, he just laughed, and said this was so me, and yep.... he would be done talking and moving on to making his point.

Hope everyone is having a great 4th of July weekend with family and friends.

Life's Changes......

So where does one actually begin? The past two years have been incredibly difficult, challenging and exciting. They have been filled with laughter, worries, fears, and unbelievable pride and joy.
What is the issue you might ask? The issue is that our lives as we know it is about to undergo a major change. It is not one that we wanted but it is one that will be necessary for our future well being.

We have had to make some extremely tough decisions this past week that will forever change the course of our lives as we know it. These are decisions that are painful for both of us. They are sure to shake us to our very core and challenge us as a couple. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to handle these changes and be the supportive and obedient wife that I need to be in order to provide the necessary support to my husband.

I have to hold on to the belief that God has us both in his hands, and he would not have brought us to this if he did not have plans to see us through this time. The question will be: do we trust him with our all?

                                                                                                                                                 We have both endured significant obstacles in the past two years and thought we were going to come out on top. No so much so, or at least this is the way it appears right now. Hopefully we will come out of this stronger and more resilient then ever as we face new challenges on our journey in life.

 Having Faith will be the key to our success. Having Faith in God, having Faith in one another. Certainly things have not turned out as we planned and not for a lack of trying, working hard and giving it our very best at all times. But maybe that is what God wanted for us even though we do not yet understand and it is all so fresh and painful right now. We have to trust that God will see us through.

So what has happened all of you might be asking? We opened our own business, and while it has been successful in the first year, going nearly two years missing over half of our income has left us with no credit, struggling to maintain our home as we pour everything we have into our business.
While we are meeting everyone's else's needs, we can no longer meet our own. We are fresh out of time, money and resources. We have put our home up for sale as well as our business. At this stage in our lives this will be a hardship.  I will need to follow my husband's lead and be able to meet his needs as he struggles with the difficult decisions we are sure to face. This will be TTWD/dd in it's finest hour. I am not talking spankings here, I am talking about communicating effectively, listening with empathy, doing what I am asked even if it doesn't make sense. I need to make things easy for him. But every now and then.... I will need him to take me by the hand and tell me everything will be ok. And with him by my side...... it is all that I actually need. We can loose everything around us, but we will still have each other. He is still my knight in shining armor, he is my sir, he is my everything.                                                                                                                  

Spanking A-Z.....

So at the beginning of June, I noted that our community was going to participate in a blog where we were to write something using one letter of the alphabet for each day of the month. I thought this would be fun to do, but life got in the way. I have enjoyed reading all of your thoughts with regards to this challenge. Maybe in the future I will be in a better place to participate in these fun little games.

Right now, I am just randomly going to select "F" as in Finally! Finally I think I have figured out how to get pictures attached to my blog so that perhaps they may be of more interest. They do say a picture is worth a thousand words right?"F" is also for friends. A heartfelt thank you to all of you that have welcomed me and supported me over the many months. I don't know where I would be without all the wonderful support I have found here in this community. I am truly blessed. So hold on everyone, I hope to get a bit more creative with my blog.

I could not leave this post with out adding " O" and "S" Over his lap and Spanking......
Yep, that is where I am heading before this weekend is over as we work on the issues that are causing concerns for me. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

This is where I belong......

No matter what I say in this post, the "bottom" line literally, is this is exactly where I belong. I have been back for a month now and it only took a few days before all of the daily pressures of my work along with our business, to set me back. True enough, I have a lot on my plate and the fact is that I am just not very good at juggling all of the stress factors in my life anymore. It is affecting me mentally, physically and emotionally. I am tired, worn out and feel like I have nothing left to give.

This time though instead of screaming, ranting and raving as I have done in the past, I have just shut down. I do what is essential to get through each day meeting everyone's needs, but for me,
I feel an internal struggle with my feelings about various concerns. I want to scream out loud and say... but "what about me?" What the heck is wrong with me anyway? I feel the need to push any
boundaries whether they be real or imaginary. Heck I can't even decide what I actually need in any given second of any given day. It is like I am just going through the motions, but inside I have so many mixed feelings that I am not able to sort through them all, and therefore I do not really know where to start to help even myself or how to ask for the help I so desperately need.

I saw this picture and it spoke to me. I know, it is a shock to see I have finally learned to get a picture attached to my blog. It only took me an hour to figure this out, but the picture said so much to me. It is calling my name. It is where I belong. It is what I need. I can't really say why, I still struggle with the deep need for this way of life to help sooth and settle me. I am often embarrassed by this need, at other times I don't really care what anyone thinks.

In this moment, I don't have the need or the desire to be punished, I have learned this is not at all what I want after I disrespected Sir back in May. So what is it that I am needing? I want to say that I need him to make things right. I am better about asking him for what I feel I need in the moment, and he has been very good about delivering what is needed. But this time, I feel very different. I need him to walk over take me by the hand, pull me over his lap and provide a firm hard spanking that will allow me to reach down inside and let go of all of these painful issues I am dealing with. I need him to talk to me and let me know that he will not allow me to hide down inside and push away from my fears but to meet them head on. I need him to tell me that he understands my fears and my pain and that together we will find a way to make things better. Seems relatively simple. But it is not. I need him to take control in a way that perhaps he never has done before. I don't know how to ask this of him. I need to "find me" I need to make "me" whole again. Until I am ok, I can not move forward in my submission and obedience with an open and joyful heart. This is what he deserves, not someone just going through the motions. I simply feel stuck in this moment of time.

So for now.... This is where I belong. This is what my mind and my heart feels will help me once again move forward. How many times do I have to go down this road? How much is too much to ask my sir to take care of this need before he tires of this? This alone causes me pain and frustration. In this moment while I say this is what I need, I am ashamed and embarrassed of this deep longing and need that I have. To relinquish control, allow sir to lead me and to allow myself to follow.

Importance of Obedience

I don't know about all of you, but I can hardly believe it is June. 1/2 of this year is nearly gone. Where has the time gone? What have I accomplished? What still lies ahead for me and for my sir?

I only had the opportunity to post once in May, and that post was intense for me. Since that time, I have taken a step back to see where I have been and where I am headed on this journey. You could say that incident was a life changing moment for me. I was "shocked" into the true reality of what it means to be submissive and obedient. "I" who thought I knew what was expected, fell very short and needed to look within myself for the answers. Not that I do not value and appreciate all of you that read and offer words of encouragement and support, but if I am to succeed, it will need to come from within me to find the answers and the solutions that will work for me and for us.

I had the unexpected opportunity to go home mid May and visit my Mom and my sisters as well as a very close friend. I was so excited about going home and my expectations for what would occur were very high. I am not a seasoned traveler, nor do I rarely go alone, and so to leave on this trip without sir was a very big deal. I certainly had my share of bad weather, I had to learn to use the Kiosk machines instead of dealing with an actual human being. Sir saw me off at the airport, and we stayed in contact via texting which was of some comfort. It was comforting to know he was following me on my journey and I felt loved and secure in knowing that he was in control.

I arrived at my destination, and was greeted by my sister. My gut instinct sensed something was not entirely right only I could not put my finger on it. I was just happy to see her and her family and was looking forward to getting safely to her home and to get caught up on how she was doing. It didn't go as I expected. The first thing I noted was the disarray of her home, the manner in which she was speaking to her husband and then sadly how much she was drinking. She quickly became mean and nasty. I could not believe what I was seeing or hearing. I became increasingly uncomfortable with the situation and wondered what sir would think if he knew what was going on.

I will spare everyone all the assorted details. Let's just say my sister shared with me some things that were very shocking and upsetting to me. I did my best to support and council her, but she was not willing to accept ownership or accountability for the role she was playing with the dysfunction of her marriage and her family. My favorite saying is: "one can not change what one does not accept ownership for." Therefore, I did not hold out much hope for her to understand the harm she was in let alone do anything about it. I did not sleep that night and wondered what my next steps would be. The next morning quite early, I got up and took my phone and took a long walk several blocks away and called sir to tell him what was going on. I was scared, hurt, felt lost and out of control. I needed his guidance, his support, his leadership and I needed him to take control even though we were very far apart. In years past, I may not have thought much about what was occuring, but now that we have been doing ttwd/dd for nearly a year, my heart knew exactly what he would have expected. He would not want me to be exposed to anything that would put me in harms way. He was patient and calm as I tearfully explained what had happened. When I was done, he gave me a specific directive to follow. I was to contact my friend & have her pick me up immediately and go with her to her home until she could get me to my mother's 2 hours away. If she couldn't come he would be calling the police. Fortunately I was able to reach her. I left for the day and told my sister I would return the next morning. I did return, and while I took her aside and held a meaningful and direct conversation with her, my friend got my suitcase and put it in her car.
I wrapped up my talk and left. I spent the rest of my time visiting my mom, my other sister and my best friend. All the while, sir stayed in constant contact with me texting every 2-3 hours to see how I was, and we would talk late each night. He remained supportive of my emotional needs. I felt very connected and loved. I felt secure and knew he was watching over me.

The remainder of my trip was uneventful except for weather related issues which delayed my return home one extra day. I was never so happy to get back home and into the waiting arms of my sir. I had a sense of gratitude and appreciation for his guidance, wisdom and council unlike any other time. We spent time talking over what had happened, how it made me feel, the issues that I was struggling with. Again,he patiently listened, allowed me to cry. He held me and comforted me. He then told me how this was going to play out. I am to have absolutely no further contact with my sister. She is old enough and free to make her own choices regarding her behavior and that did not include involving me or placing me in such a dangerous and difficult situation. He expects my obedience on this subject.

If I had not followed his directions as given, I could have easily been placed in harms way. As it was, he had advised me to get my things and leave and to not return. I did leave my suitcase and returned the next morning to pick it up, which was not exactly following his direction. In doing this I again, placed myself in harms way. When you are expected to obey, you should be prepared to do so fully and completely and not pick and choose which part of the directive you will follow.
You either obey or you do not. Let's just say..I learned this lesson the painful way.

So in closing for this post, I feel so safe and secure and loved by my sir. While I have not always done what he has said in the past, this time I knew exactly what steps to take and in doing so, he was able to protect me as best as he could from a distance. My love for sir has deepened so much within the past month that it is difficult to express. We have gone from one extreme to the next. I went from disrespecting sir at the beginning of the month, to following his direct orders in a time of extreme duress. I now know the importance of obedience in all areas whether the issues are small or they are large it makes no difference. As for spankings, yes there have been a few on my return. Not for punishment, but to reset me and remind me who is in charge and who has the final say.
And you know, I am ok with this. I am ready and willing to let go, let sir lead and I will happily follow him. He is my sir, he is my life. He is my everything.

Do Not Disrespect Sir Ever.

I have been away awhile literally. No postings, not even much reading. A lot of inner reflections. Wondering where I am on this journey, wondering where I am headed. Wondering if I will actually achieve a level of obedience and submissive spirit worthy of my sir. Sadly, I share that in my own eyes, I am not even close. This came to light recently.

Life has a way of getting in the way. It throws all kinds of things in the way to derail you. How you react can make or break the deal. That's what happened to me over the weekend.

I derailed myself by disrespecting my sir. Yes, the incident started out innocently enough, but by the time it ended, both sir and myself were on different pages in the book. All of this could have been avoided if I would just follow my sir. But no, I chose to challenge him. I lost, and in the process I hurt myself and worse I hurt my sir. Now in years past, when we would argue and I would throw a fit, I don't think I actually cared very much about the end result other than hope we would resolve things and be able to move along. This time though, things were much different  & the stakes much higher. In order to spare everyone all the ugly assorted details, let me just put things in a nutshell. I basically had a melt down over a very simple situation where sir and I saw things differently. I kept pushing, he was giving the signals, first the look, then telling me,  then advising me to stop, and me? Well I just went into overload. It is one thing when this happens in the privacy of your home, it is a completely different thing when you choose to challenge your sir in front of others. Sadly this is exactly what happened. I was ugly, said hurtful things, displayed a total lack of respect for anything that my sir said. Embarrased myself and sir as well. I walked away and left him to face the others that witnessed the event. Now there are many things I could say here that would perhaps validate why I had the meltdown, but really in the bigger picture they don't matter.

The end result was a painful lesson for me to learn on what happens when I disrespect my sir. We immediately lost all connection. Sir kept himself at a distance both physically and verbally. He shut me out. He was no longer interested in my explanations. He was not willing to share of himself. Was it possible he no longer loved me? Now I don't know how much of what happened next was just sir's natural reaction to being treated this way, or if in his infinate wisdom, he knew just exactly how to reach me deep down in my heart and send a message that hurt me more than any spanking ever possibly could. You see in most instances like this it would be a spankable offense. Except for us, we don't have formal rules and sir does not necessarily spank to punish or correct. Yes.. he expects my obedience and submission from my heart and not because he would spank to gain this. He much prefers gg spankings, erotic spankings, and just because spankings as he see's fit.

Sir left me to myself to sort through the whole issue. With no talking going on and in different rooms, I certainly had plenty of time for self reflection and unfortunately for me, a replay in my mind of the entire situation which cut through my heart down to the core. I saw myself in a different light. It was not pretty, it was down right ugly. I couldn't even believe myself how bad this whole thing looked. I cried. Not just light weight tears, I mean gut wrenching deep down tears of true pain. Not for me. For sir. How could I possibly have caused him so much hurt? What was I thinking? How would I ever be able to make this better? I went to sir and attempted to explain, to apologize, I even intended to ask him to spank me because I certainly deserved it. Sir however simply told me to go upstairs, go to bed, I was tired and needed to sleep. He simply said.. do as I say. Relunctantly but thankfully I did. Many more hours of crying and reflection went by. Sir finally came to bed. Once again I tried to apologize. All he said was.. " I don't think you are" Those words cut me like a knife. He said nothing further. He kept his distance. It was a very long night as I gave thought to my actions, what did obedience and submission look like and how was I going to get there.

The next morning, slowly sir allowed me to come closer. He allowed me to touch him, and lay close. Allowing me this after refusing the night before gave me a level of appreciation for just the smell and touch of his being. I asked if I could make love to him, expecting nothing in return. It was all I had to offer. I sensed some relunctance but he allowed me to follow through. And I did so with my full open heart and with held nothing. Afterwards, we quietly layed together. Once again, the tears were there. Once again, I apologized for my blatent disrespect. Sir finally said we needed to get up. I had to ask sir one more question. I pulled out the leather strap and simply said will you spank please? He said, I will not spank to punish you. I spank because it pleasures you. This is different. I knew what he meant, it's just in my mind if anything I have ever done warranted a punishment spanking, this was it. I knew I would not be able to find closure ever without one. He said nothing further. He got up to leave the room, I resigned myself to more soul searching. Suddenly I heard him say simply.. come here. Those two words have never held so much meaning.

I went to sir. He held the leather strap in his hands. He motioned for me to go over his lap. I did as he asked knowing this would be hard for him and for me. My tears were already there before the first sting of that strap was felt. I was already remorseful, thankful, and appreciative in that moment. Sir spanked, I cried. It hurt. Slowly, I could feel myself reconnecting. When he was done, he helped me up. He allowed me to wrap my arms around him and cry. Once again, I apologized. He said... this will never ever happen again. I said.. no sir it will not. I asked him if he still loved me. He said he still did. With those words I felt forgiven.  I felt secure in finding closure to such a painful event. I never ever want sir to have to punish me again, either by his actions or by his hands. I am thankful to have another opportunity to really learn what true obedience and submission is. This is a lesson I will not ever forget.

Spring is here, seeing subtle changes

Spring is a time of rebirth and fresh beginnings. I don't know about all of you, but finally in my neck of the woods, we are seeing the beauty of spring after a really long winter. The grass is greening up, trees are budding out, flowers are comming up, it is staying lighter longer. All of this brings a sense of peace, joy and wonder to my heart. I have been watching for weeks now to see these subtle changes that I have been longing for.

We have been on our journey of TTWD for 9 months now, whether this was formal or unformally started. Last night, hubby made a very simple statement which had a profound affect on my heart. What I am about to say, might not impress any of you, but it does show the subtle changes that are finally taking place for me and says that we are on the right path. I wonder if he too, has longed to see these subtle changes within me.

For several weeks now, he has started to keep an empty water bottle by his bedside. At first it irritated me, and I kept throwing them out only to find another one back in place. I finally noted that he would refill it before going to bed so he wouldn't have to get up to get a drink in the middle of the night. I don't remember exactly when I started doing this for him, but every night now for several weeks before I got in to bed, I have filled it for him so he would have it. Several times he has been surprised to find it filled and simply expressed his appreciation. On the rare occasion I have forgotten, he has given me a subtle reminder. Are you forgetting to do something for me?  I quickly remembered and without question, or hesitation, I would quickly get it filled. There were no further discussions. Last night though, we both got home very late from our own business. We were exhausted. I had remembered to fill it, and it was at his bedside. He came to bed and when he saw it he said:" I really appreciate your taking the time to fill my bottle. It makes me feel like you really care."

Perhaps not the most profound thing any of you have heard, but for me.... it told me that I do indeed have the capability of being submissive of my own accord and I felt there was hope. It also told me he is watching.This simple statement spoke to my heart and I marveled how such a simple act could mean so much to him. In that moment , I could see that the previous months of soul searching, the up's and down's, the frustrations, all had purpose and meaning. My heart was broken,  than softened and is being remolded. Has this been a painful time for me? It absolutely has, but it has been an essential part of my journey. One can not change what one does not recognize and accept the ownership to change. I now see why hubby has told me he will not spank to gain my submission. As stubborn as I am, he would be spanking me 24/7 to get his point across, and the response would have been only as a result of his actions and not the willingness from my heart to make the necessary changes.

He too, is making changes. For those of you that have followed me, know that while TTWD was never formally introduced, no serious discussions were had to begin this journey, we simply have been moving forward on our own terms. Oh sure, over the months as things arose, I have questioned and asked for his thoughts, I have expressed my thoughts and we have just sort of found our niche.

Today, he often will give me "the look" I know what that means without any discussions. Was it possible over the past 40 years that he has already been doing that and I was just choosing to ignore it's meaning. I am guessing so. Now, he firmly tells me what I will and won't be doing, and accepts no arguements. Most of these directives when I look at them now, are his way of taking care of me so that physically, mentally and emotionally, I am protected. When he tells me to go over his lap, he is taking matters into his own hands as he see's fit. I used to think this had to be spelled out so I could understand the difference in the spankings. But really? Does one really have to have an announcement? He used to say, if you cannot tell the difference, than you need to pay closer attention to what I am saying, whether these be my words or the feel of my hand on your rear end! Now before I am spanked, I stop to think about what things led up to this. Did I miss his looks, his warnings, did I push the issues, did I argue my points beyond acceptable limits? How did I speak to him? What was my tone? Was I disrespectful with my words? Most of the time, I find my own answers deep within my heart, and I already know why I find myself over his lap. I believe this is why in the most recent months, I started to hesitate with spankings even though initially I asked for them. The hesitation was because in my heart, I knew I deserved them, a part of me was afraid. As I learned to accept consequences for my actions, to submit to a spanking was humbling at best. The spankings also hurt more than before. I think this is because my mind and my emotions are finally connecting to my behaviors.

And so it is said, that spankings are suppose to hurt in order to make neccessary corrections. How obvious could this be? I used to think I knew everything about spanking. Not. What I knew was simple fantasy. What I know now that we are on this journey, there are many reasons. Some not so pleasant. Some are erotic. Some are for fun. Some, relieve stress. The one's that are the hardest for me are one's that I need to learn from. Self reflection is the best way for me to grow and learn. Hubby is a man of few words, but when he speaks, he can nail an issue every time just with his words. Put that together with a spanking, and I quickly come around to seeing things from his perspective. I now see by accepting his lead, that my stress level is decreasing. Not to say that it is always easy, but knowing he is there to catch me when I am falling regardless of the reason, is very reassuring.

And so as we enjoy these beautiful days of spring, and the subtle wonderful signs of nature's rebirth, I, too, reflect on the subtle changes I am seeing within myself. I wonder what things will look like when I am in full bloom.

Acceptance

Many things have come to light for me over the past several weeks. Several lessons learned the hard way, or perhaps the painful way. One thing I find interesting about this journey I find myself on, is the more unacceptable my behavior or conversations are, how very apparent they are to me. Now I know that may be a strange statement. Prior to starting this journey I know I didn't really take notice or think twice about how I would react or what my statements would look like from my hubby's perspective. While I still have a long way to go, now I immediately recognize when my behavior or remarks have been less than what they should  be in terms of pleasing him.While you can't take back those actions or words that are not acceptable, you can take responsibility for them, and find ways to improve upon the behavior.

In the initial phase of this journey, I know my expectation was that I would be punished for behaviors that did not meet with hubby's expectations. The truth is, I felt this was the only way I would learn to follow through. Hubby's stance has always been that he absolutely would not spank to gain submission or obedience from me. To this date, I can say this is still true. So when I find myself noticing that my behavior or conversation is less than acceptable, it actually causes me to experience a true remorseful spirit which then in turn causes a much deeper reflection and a true willingness to want to change, and thus I will change, and that desire comes from my heart. And that... is where true submission is meant to come from. In those moments I am pleased with myself for doing so and feel certain hubby does too.

Now that is not to say that spankings do not occur. I can assure you they do. I know that hubby is watching, often comments in certain circumstances that reminds me to be careful.     What I used to think that I wanted and needed in order to do the right thing, I now give great consideration to. My emotions are really raw right now. If hubby were to provide a true punishment spanking, I know it would break my heart and his as well, not to mention I am certain it would be the most painful ever. Do I really want this ? No, I don't. If it just so happens one day this occurs, well I suppose the message would be loud and clear as it would not be the "norm" for us and that's perhaps as it should be.

For now, I am finding myself over his lap for many other reasons. These reasons are one's that he determines the need for. Stress relief primarily at present which is helping me. I am also able to communicate my need easier than when we first started. I have stopped second guessing him, stopped saying no, sometimes I still hesitate when he tells me to come to him, but I do come to him and I accept what he feels is necessary in the moment to get my attention, and to help me find my soft heart and my inner peace. The spankings that are the most difficult to accept, are actually the ones I need the most to break down walls and barriers. And hubby knows these, and understands the importance of reaching me long  before I see this in myself. Spankings in the past, I thought had meaning. They didn't, they were fantasy one's. Spankings I receive now, have taken on a brand new meaning for me. There is purpose and meaning and often lessons to be learned. I now look for the meaning, and the lesson with each one. Some I find really are just for "me." Others, I learn really impact the two of us. Regardless, I am still on the journey and find myself more in love than ever before. I have a long way to go yet, but with the help of my sir, I can say that I am happier and much more secure with his leadership, and when I chose to follow, life holds more meaning.

Lesson Learned

Oh my. What a trying time this has been for me. And you know, this could have all been avoided if I had sat down and talked with hubby about this before proceeding. I would have known his concerns and whether I agreed or not, I could have stated my reasons and we could have come to an understanding without ever having to go through this process. But we went through it, and there was a lesson to be learned.

There can only be one captain of the ship, one chief for a tribe, and one leader for a home. While respectfully, the leader needs to consider all information placed before them to make an informed decision, they are ultimately charged with the responsibilty for those that they lead and care for. When one stops to reflect upon this, you begin to have a fine appreciation of that responsibilty. They have to keep the entire picture in front of them, and often undo mistakes made on behalf of those they are responsible for in order to protect them from harm, seen or unforseen. It takes a strong leader to shoulder this responsibility.

I have been with my man for 40 years now. I shudder to think about the many times I have not followed his lead and the results of having that stubborn pride that caused hardships for me and for us. If I had been following his lead all along, I am certain many situations we have experienced on life's journey would have been avoided.

There is something to be said for immediate and timely obedience whether you agree in the moment or not. It can save heartache, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and wrong perceptions which can lead both of us to a very hard place. This was such a time. While on the surface the issue seemed innocent enough, the stakes were high and there was plenty of room for serious consequences to have occured.

While this incident could have and should have resulted in a painful punishment spanking for me, for disrespect, and dangerous behavior, it did not. Hubby has a way with words that cuts through the matter at hand and he nails the issue everytime. That's not to say that I always agree, understand or even want to do as I am asked, the issue is this... he is the leader in our home, he is owed my respect, prompt obedience and my gratitude for making the hard decisions in life that affect us both. I am thankful for this man of mine. The further I move along on this journey, the more I realize what a wonderful plan God had, when he paired us together for life.

Coasting Along

Finally a week where things seemed to just move along as they should for the most part. The week was filled with many difficult and challenging moments as always from my work perspective, and I was frustrated by the end of the week for certain, but at least I did not have the same level of emotional turmoil as last week.

Hubby is not feeling his best this week, and I worked hard to just keep myself in check. Interestingly enough,

while he was not feeling his best, there were several well placed statements made that reminded me that he was watching, and keeping me in check and that he would not hesitate to make needed corrections if necessary. I found that just by him making simple statements was often enough to bring me back around 

in the moment and stay on track. So it is possible, that spankings are not always necessary to achieve the 

desired results, and I found comfort in finally grasping this concept. It is simply being held accountable 

and my desire to respond and do what is needed in that moment that created at least a more favorable 

response on my part. 

Of course I would be remiss, if I did not say that after last weeks meeting of the mind, or firm hand to my bottom that left a lasting impression did not play some kind of  role. There were moments this week where I felt myself moving the wrong direction but when I recalled the incident of last week, along with statements being made this week, quickly helped to put my mind and heart in their "soft places."

There was the "incident" where I ended up in the ER because my BP was out of control. I posted about this to some of you for some feedback. My final decision, was to text hubby and let him know at least what was wrong, what had occurred, how I had failed, and why, and simply stated that while we don't officially have "rules" I thought it might be a good idea for him to determine how he could best help me with this issue that 

truly could end up being life threatening. Because of our work schedules, along with him not feeling well, we have not really discussed this. But he has made sure every day to ask me if I have taken my meds. I think he doubts sometimes if I am being  truthful because he will say "are you sure?" You best be telling the truth. I truly am not one to lie, may omit the truth if the exact question is not asked, but I am generally truthful. 

I suspect there are going to be consequences for what occurred this week once hubby is feeling better. Knowing that alone, is keeping me in check. And you know, I deserve whatever he feels is necessary to get his point across. I have mentioned in previous postings, that I have been saying "no", not staying in place, making argumentative statements during other recent spankings. This week, I have made the decision that moving forward, I will make the commitment to not say no, to willingly go over his lap when told to do so, and to not ask any questions during the process.  I would say that at present, my heart is in the right place to submit.... Until.... that leather strap comes out, then..... well it is going to be hard, but I am committed to 

doing as I am told. Right now my life can literally be at stake if I do not learn this lesson, both emotionally and physically. I need to follow for my own well being. I am blessed he will lead.

Firm Hand = Clear Communication

Well the weekend is here once again, and I have a short time with which to put out my weekly post.
When reviewing my past posts, it is clear to me how tired and frustrated I am by this time every week, how emotional I am and how I clearly do not have things in perspective.

Recently a blog friend of mine advised me that TTWD, is not ALWAYS about spankings, but rather the
purpose is to have improved communication in order to strengthen the relationship. If spanking helps to move it in the right direction as a consequence than so be it. It has taken me awhile to process this statement.
I would venture to say that it is a fair statement that most of us that find ourselves in this dynamic actually enjoy some type of spanking, I would assume gg spankings, erotic spankings, true punishment spankings
probably not so much so.

So here is what went down in our home last night. Yet another extremely hard week at work for me, coupled with some increasing outside pressures that are ocurring for both of us, the need to work more
this weekend for our personal business= increased anxiety and a full blown panic attack for me.
While I managed to keep things together while we worked last night, I was all smiles and pleasantries
toward staff and customers, inside I was falling apart. I fought to hold back tears for most of the night, and
again could feel myself wanting to run and hide and actually never come back. "Distancing" is what I believe
I have read about. I was not rude, disrespectful towards my hubby that I am aware of, just stayed quiet and really offered no exchange of words other than what was essential.  I did not want to overload him with all of the thoughts rolling around in my head. He has enough to deal with on his own. At the end of our night as always, he cooks dinner for us. Only I have not had much appetite if any with all of the worries and concerns I have had. I could only eat two or three bites, and I just felt like I was going to be sick. I thanked him for taking the time to cook, just told him I really was not very hungry. I faintly remember the "look" he gave me, but he said nothing further. He finished up his meal, we briefly chatted about a few things. I told him I was really tired and just needed to go home. He nodded in agreement. We drove home, he chatted about this and that, I responded as best as I could, all the while trying to suppress my emotions and the tears that were
about to overflow. We arrived home, quickly got ready for bed. He sat down on my side of the bed.
Here is where everything suddenly went to hell in a hand  basket.

"Come here" he said. Motioning for me to go over his lap. I said... yes you guessed it, "no" "I am too tired, it is not necessary, I am just fine." I didn't feel fine, why did I just say that? I suddenly felt panicked at the thought that he felt the need to spank when I know how much pressure he is under. He motioned me over again, I repeated myself and said no. My heart was just about to break. A single lone tear slid down my cheek. He took my wrist and pulled me over his lap. He started to spank. The tears were right there. I stood up and motioned for him to stop. Quietly he said these words: "If you are not going to do as I ask, then we are not going to do this anymore, do you understand?" As always, his words went straight to my heart. He asked:
"Are we clear about this?" I nodded my head in agreement, knowing  how many times since we have started this journey that I have given such conflicting messages. Once again he took my wrist and pulled me over his lap, and the spanking resumed. He was not gentle, he was not overly hard. But he was firm and consistent,
and with that, I started  to cry. I could no longer hide my tears. I cried unlike any other time. This must be what "being spanked to tears" means. I heard him softly say.... go ahead, just let it all out. And the spanking
continued as did my tears. Finally he stopped. He told me to stand up. He pulled me close to him, and I clung to him and continued to cry softly. He talked, I talked about what was troubling me. I heard what he was telling me, I felt like he understood me. I shared with him, that I was concerned that since we had started this last summer, it was coincidental timing that we started having some of our other issues that are of concern, began at that same time. Was this a sign that perhaps "we shouldn't be doing this?" Perhaps this was wrong? We are both consenting adults, we are married, this does not go outside of our home. We are christian's, God is head of our home. Surely what we are doing can not be seen as wrong in his eyes? This is something that we explored and talked about this for awhile. His answers and reassurance made sense. Once again, he assured me that providing me with what he knows I need, is not a problem for him. He enjoys it because he knows that it helps to calm me, he knows I need direction. He knows I enjoy it, he knows it is who I am, and he is ok with it. He said, of course he  benefits as well in many ways. I finally feel as though I can stop questioning his intent, or whether this is right or wrong for us.

He continued to hold me for a long while. I finally stood up and looked him in the eye, and asked if he would repeat the spanking. I apologized  for sending mixed messages, and I was ready both in my mind and my heart to submit to his spanking. With out another word, he pulled me over his lap and provided me with a spanking that I will not soon forget. When he was done, we got into bed, he pulled me close, covered me up. I thanked him for taking care of me, and told him how much I loved him. And with that, I quickly fell asleep and slept soundly. I awoke refreshed this morning, and saw our lives in a renewed and different perspective. The problems we face are still present, the challenges will remain, but what I do know, is
TTWD will continue. It is what I want, and I am now convinced it is what he wants.

You have questions, I have some answers...

In response to "March questions," here are the following responses.

1. Irishey asks: What do you see as your most difficult issue to overcome or accept in your dynamic?
Response:  I believe my most difficult issue in this dynamic is the communication portion. I find it incredibly difficult to ask for certain things, as well as to accept what I am being told. My mind likes to play head games and this has caused a lot of heartache as I have second guessed
the thought or intent. I have also paid the price for doing so "if you know what I mean." I also was not prepared for the "emotional" piece of this journey. I have probably learned more about myself and hubby in the past 7-8 months of this journey than I have actually known over the past nearly 40 years we have been together.
Second question: What is your dream destination and why?
Response: My dream destination would be Hawaii. I have always found the islands to be beautiful, relaxing and romantic in looks. Seems like a beautiful way to spend time with the one you love.


2.  EsMay asks: What do you and your man like to do for fun? What is your ideal date?
Response: We both work very demanding jobs and so there is  not a lot of time for extra fun time. In the spring, summer, fall months, we spend time camping and boating on the wonderful lakes of our great state. This provides us time for relaxation and communication and reconnection.
Ideal date? I don't really have one. Because our time is so limited and precious, any time we can spend together is wonderful and special to me.


3.  Queenie asks: What things do you do on your own to foster that submissive feeling in your heart?
Does anyone outside of blogland know that you practice Dd? Does your man read your blogs?
Response: For me, I find going down deep within my heart and focusing on all the things that have been right for us the many years we have been together, helps me be mindful of all there is to be grateful and appreciative for. This can bring me to tears and to my "soft spot" in my heart when I take time to reflect on those moments. It is during that time that I  realize how truly blessed I am with the man I have been provided with.
And to the second question..... No One knows this is what we do!!!!! Goodness, I think I would just about die trying to explain this, as there are times I can't even accept this concept myself and I brought this to my hubby! I am new to this dynamic, I don't think I could explain myself as I often struggle just getting my thoughts and feeling out here in blogland. I so wish I had someone I could confide in, the way one would with a girl friend over a cup of coffee or hot tea. Perhaps some day.....
Third question: I just learned that my hubby does read my blogs which just blew my mind. He is not a reader at all. When I started my blog, I did let him know, provided the link, because I wanted to be up front and honest. It really surprised me when he shared that he had been reading. I don't advise when I post, I just assume he reads when the mood strikes him. I write what I feel and am completely honest about what I share.


4.  Kimberly asks: What is your dream vacation?
Response: Any place that my hubby and I can go away together and spend quality down time together. I love lakes, beaches and tropical areas. The warmth of the sun, the gentle breezes, the feeling of sand between your toes really help to set the mood for me.


Thanks to everyone for asking these questions. It was fun to be a part of this March madness!!!