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This time though instead of screaming, ranting and raving as I have done in the past, I have just shut down. I do what is essential to get through each day meeting everyone's needs, but for me,
I feel an internal struggle with my feelings about various concerns. I want to scream out loud and say... but "what about me?" What the heck is wrong with me anyway? I feel the need to push any
boundaries whether they be real or imaginary. Heck I can't even decide what I actually need in any given second of any given day. It is like I am just going through the motions, but inside I have so many mixed feelings that I am not able to sort through them all, and therefore I do not really know where to start to help even myself or how to ask for the help I so desperately need.
I saw this picture and it spoke to me. I know, it is a shock to see I have finally learned to get a picture attached to my blog. It only took me an hour to figure this out, but the picture said so much to me. It is calling my name. It is where I belong. It is what I need. I can't really say why, I still struggle with the deep need for this way of life to help sooth and settle me. I am often embarrassed by this need, at other times I don't really care what anyone thinks.
In this moment, I don't have the need or the desire to be punished, I have learned this is not at all what I want after I disrespected Sir back in May. So what is it that I am needing? I want to say that I need him to make things right. I am better about asking him for what I feel I need in the moment, and he has been very good about delivering what is needed. But this time, I feel very different. I need him to walk over take me by the hand, pull me over his lap and provide a firm hard spanking that will allow me to reach down inside and let go of all of these painful issues I am dealing with. I need him to talk to me and let me know that he will not allow me to hide down inside and push away from my fears but to meet them head on. I need him to tell me that he understands my fears and my pain and that together we will find a way to make things better. Seems relatively simple. But it is not. I need him to take control in a way that perhaps he never has done before. I don't know how to ask this of him. I need to "find me" I need to make "me" whole again. Until I am ok, I can not move forward in my submission and obedience with an open and joyful heart. This is what he deserves, not someone just going through the motions. I simply feel stuck in this moment of time.
So for now.... This is where I belong. This is what my mind and my heart feels will help me once again move forward. How many times do I have to go down this road? How much is too much to ask my sir to take care of this need before he tires of this? This alone causes me pain and frustration. In this moment while I say this is what I need, I am ashamed and embarrassed of this deep longing and need that I have. To relinquish control, allow sir to lead me and to allow myself to follow.
Really great pic. I feel like I belong there as well. I wish you and your sir all the best, and I hope you get what you need.
ReplyDeleteWhat you need then is a mind reader. *WINK* I am not being flippant. Let me explain, I understand that need. I so do, like you are bouncing around inside trying to find walls to hide behind. Maybe you can see one...but for me it is like a 'game' of pinball..Life pulls back the spring and sets my ball through the course and paddles make my ball flail around. I think I know and then zoom off in another direction. The only difference? That the lights aren't flashing and the bells aren't ringing out. Meaning you husband doesn't know what is going in on inside.
ReplyDeleteThere lies in another stage of ttwd, we become more reserved in our answers and actions ( actually in my case I became more vocal, after years of suppressing things) because we fear lashing out and being disrespectful....which is good in a way- but it also removes the 'signs' for our husbands.
I will tell you what you already know about talking to him, but there is that desire still. The desire for him to instinctively 'know'. As Barney said, " I may never instinctively know what to do" but I answered, " over time it may become second nature". So what you might have to do is share this post and this time and maybe a few times after see the 'reset' spankings as baby steps toward him instinctively knowing. I know expressing our needs sometimes takes the 'effectiveness' out of it, but it can lead to greater awareness in the future.
The embarrassment factor comes and goes with me too. Generally I find it is greater when I am more unsettled within. Even if at the time I don't think I am unsettled. What I have noticed with my husband is his dislike of me asking him if I will become a burden. He doesn't mind if I say " I fear becoming a burden" semantics I know.
I know it isn't easy at times Annabelle. That cotton ball sometimes seems securely lodged in our throats. Take your time. Process if you need to but bite the bullet and show your husband this post. I am not saying any miracles are going to come from it, but letting your vulnerability show in the long haul is never a mistake.
Good luck
Willie