Tired.......

Tired.....

This captures it all for me right now. I am not trying to be a "downer" but I have hit the brick wall of all times. I am so tired, that I don't know if I am coming or if I am going. I am truly incapable of making the many decisions I need/have to make each day and yet I keep placing one foot in front of the other and put on my happy smile, do what needs to be done, make the decisions that I make every day both personal and professionally.

For all of my friends here in blog land, believe me when I say that it is not that I do not care about any of you, it's just that at this moment in time, I have nothing else left to give or even words of value for any of you. I am emotionally and physically drained. I can barely manage to handle myself and my own world much less anything else. I do want to say, that I continue to faithfully follow blogs, and in many instances they have lifted me up, provided a smile to my heart, and much needed laughter when I have needed it. My point? While I have not always responded, all of you are there when I have needed you to be even if you are unaware that you have met a need or my need specifically. For this... I am blessed, I am thankful. I hope to repay this forward in the future.

Hubby and I made a life changing decision back in June, to sell our home and our business for reasons that are really out of our control. It was a painful decision as this is not what we expected at this stage in our lives. As the course of life would have it, even that decision is not going the way in which we would have expected. We wonder if God is watching over us and keeping us from making the wrong decision even though we both are convinced we are right.

The issue? Most of you know I am a very black and white thinker, very little gray in between. I am also a very emotional thinker. I am very OCD in all phases of my life. You can than only imagine the turmoil I am faced with each and every day not knowing what the outcome will be. This is a challenge for me and for hubby. This is where TTWD/DD is coming into play. Oh sure, there have been some "spats" between us, and while I can be difficult, I am reminded of the need to remain respectful in my conversation even when I do not agree or am frustrated. The lines of communication are open between us, Most times we are able to converse like grown adults. Other times...This is what occurs.

Hubby has his HOH hat on quite tightly these days. He is not hesitating to send me a message when my stubbornness and pride get in the way of "hearing" what he is trying to say and what I need to be learning. Timing in this is everything. He is not letting anything slide. Mostly he is keeping me from sinking down into a deep dark hole forcing me to communicate with him like the grown adult I am suppose to be. If I choose not to..he gives me a opportunity, then gives me a warning, and if I continue on... well then I find myself over his lap for a different kind of discussion which always seems to bring his point right home. He is loving and caring always, sometimes no words are exchanged and yet his message is always there. He will break down the walls of my defenses, he reassures me we will get though these tough times. I am drawn to his protectiveness, his dominance, his love. In times like this, I refocus on "us" and what is really important regardless of any other issues.

And while everyone says I am strong, I don't see myself this way. I need hubby to take my hand and tell me everything will be ok. In that moment it is. What I need to remember is to trust in his leadership, continue to follow, and accept what eventually happens. I trust him with my life,with our relationship. He always puts my needs first, and while I don't always see things in the moment, I can say he has never led me astray. I am blessed to have been provided a strong leader and I am truly thankful for all that he does to insure my safety, my needs and that he is always there to protect me.

Right now, while my life and my heart feels fragile, I feel I have little else to give him in return for all that he is and all that he means to me... Submission is something that I can freely give, It is a conscious decision that is made in everything that I do, small or large. It is something that I am finally grasping. While my heart feels as fragile as the rose above, it is my heart softly opening and accepting all that he has to give me. It is me... despite all difficulties... wanting to give the love of my life my all. It is what he deserves, it is all that I have to give in this moment to my sir.

Subtle Submission

I have been doing some thinking recently and wonder what others of you do to keep submission in your sight. I hate to be the one to admit that I have a temper, definitely can have an attitude, am sassy and defiant and in general want to have the last word. What does this result in?
                                                           
There needs to be a chain of command that is followed in the military. I was raised in a military family and the expectations for behavior were clearly outlined. This included a respectful "yes, sir"
when answering my dad. He was the head of our house. Why then, should things be any different with my husband who is the leader in our home?

All on my own several months ago, when sir and I had a major misunderstanding, I was determined to find a way in which I would consistently respond to him with words that would show my level of respect and also serve as a reminder in my heart where I needed to be.

Now sometimes truthfully, this is the way it can come out when I am responding. I don't think this is quite the way sir appreciates my response. It had better be more like a simple:

Honestly, I have really worked so very hard at just saying a simple "yes, sir" I find it does soften my heart and put me in a place of willing submission. In the event it does not, this is often what can be the end result....

This kind of end result is not always pleasant. And yet it is funny, this end result also ends with the same two words: "yes, sir" My submission is definitely present. The difference you ask? I had to pay the consequence of not simply being submissive to begin with. And so.. it is so much easier to just say....

When I do, sir is happy, I am happy and we have peace and harmony in our marriage. He continues to lead, and I, continue to follow.

What phrases, or thoughts come to your mind, that help keep you in a submissive mind set?

Just for Rogue....

Just for Rogue, I thought I would share some of my personal favorite "Keep Calm quotes"

Is this testing your HOH or what?

Or your HOH right?


Or maybe I did want you to be looking out....


If so, best to confess and hope for the best....



  I guess this is what is to be expected !


Chocolate is the cure for a multitude of issues and comfort.
Just maybe, having some will sooth your mind and your sore bottom
as you think things over.



As always, when all else has failed , keep on trying!!!!!




























     

Now THAT Hurts!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week while cleaning out an area in our business, I came across an item that caused me to stop dead in my tracks. I studied "said" item, and thought well this would certainly be effective if it were to come in contact with my backside. At the end of the night, hubby was closing things up and suddenly came up  behind me and told me to bend over the desk. SMACK, SMACK! What ever he was using really had some sting. I turned around to see he had grabbed a small metal tray and that is what he had used. No I don't have a picture of that... but I do have a picture of this.....

Yes.... this is the EXACT item I had found earlier in the evening but had not yet showed it to him.
Call me crazy but I thought this would be the time to show it to him, so I did. Conveniently it fit his large hand quite well, I thought with the small handle it would be hard for him. Silly me!!! Naturally he had to try it out. Bend over again he says. Now...... I am anxious. me, who has been spanked many times over the years, has never experienced a paddle. The dreaded item in my mind. But heck... I did see it, I did wonder about it, I did show it to him, what else was he suppose to do?
And so.... SMACK, SMACK AND SMACK!!!! And man oh man......the burn and the sting quickly brought tears to my eyes. He was just trying it out, no real effort behind it, but my bottom and the meeting with the wood...let's just say made a permanent impression in my mind and for certain on my bottom. He got a good laugh, I even laughed after the shock wore off. He went to close up, and I slipped this item in my travel bag to take home. Probably better there than at work.
I placed it in his drawer once we were home thinking it would be at least a few days before he considered using it again. WRONG!!!!! DEAD WRONG. As I was climbing into bed, he suddenly said...come here. I cautiously climbed out of bed and went to him, thinking that he was just going to top off the spanking. So over his lap I went... then... I heard the drawer open. And yes, that paddle came out. The difference? At work I had my slacks on. Now over his lap, he pulled my night shirt up and yep...bare bottom. Did the adrenalin start flowing? I nearly thought I was going to die from the pure anxiety.

I knew he would go easy, but really? He started to spank. He was slow, careful but accurate. My bottom was hot, burning and stinging. Maybe I got 6-8 swats, I kinda lost count in the moment.
He let me up. I knew then what it means to do a "spanking dance." I wanted to just rub away the feeling. He was just so laughing. I was sort of laughing, did have some tears... you know mixed emotions. He placed the paddle back in his drawer where I have the feeling this is going to be a regular item now used. He told me I could go get in bed. The coolness of those cotton sheets sure felt good on my now sore bottom. We snuggled in. He placed his hand on my bottom and I quickly drifted off to sleep.      When I woke up in the morning... This is what was on my mind!

Amazing what a piece of wood can  do and say to make such an impression!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can be absolutely certain, that I do NOT want to EVER be paddled with this board for failure to be obedient. Time will certainly tell.                                                                                

Choices?

Apparently there are some instances where there are choices that are allowed.
It has been a very busy week as usual.  I feel that given the circumstances of my personal life
along with what has occurred here in blog land this week, I have been fairly cooperative and pleasant.

Yesterday, hubby called to give me some information regarding our business so that I could take care of it from where I was at with my "regular job" I felt I was listening... responding appropriately...until I heard him say... I am going to spank your butt. What? Huh? What did you say? Apparently, that got my full attention. I asked once again if he was serious.

"I am going to spank your butt when I get home tonight he repeated. You are to gather several items and lay them on the bed and make yourself ready. When I call you to tell you I am headed home, you need to get ready and be waiting for me, understand?" I said, "but aren't you suppose to decide what is used when spanking?" He says.. "Oh don't you worry about that. I will decide what will be used and how. You just have things ready." Well what does one say except......Yes sir.

So I arrive home rather late. I did a few things around the house. Then I remembered what he had said earlier in the afternoon. Well ok.... I actually thought about it most of the afternoon as this was a first. So.... I start looking around for "items" it's not like we have a large stockpile of items we use. But here is what I found and laid out.                                            

Now what does one do? I studied the items for awhile and wondered which one he would actually use. Well I didn't have to wait long. His text arrived telling me he was on his way home. Nothing else was mentioned. I wondered if he would even have remembered what he had said earlier in the afternoon. Soon I heard his keys in the door. The adrenalin surged. I waited for him to come upstairs. He did not keep me waiting. He came in, handed me the dinner he had made and said, place this over there for later. He then turned up the speed on the ceiling fan. I said, we don't need that on so cool. He said.. oh you will need it in just a few minutes when I start to heat up that bottom of yours. He pulled the covers off of me and told me to turn over. He started with the paint stick and told me this was for being sassy in the hardware store earlier in the week. ouch................Then he told me to get out of bed. He motioned me over his lap. He used the hairbrush next... several good hard smacks. Stopped, rubbed my back, told me to settle down. Proceeded again with the brush. Several more good hard smacks were delivered to my backside. He asked if I was settling down. "Yes sir" I replied. Good he said.
He rubbed my back and my bottom a bit more. Handed me my pillow and said you will need this.
The next thing I felt was the familiar "sting" of the heavy leather strap. Now he was getting serious. He spanked hard and long. Told me I needed to not move. He would let me know when he was  done. The spanking continued, until I was totally spent. When he was done, he had me turn around. He admired his work. He said my bottom was just red enough. He hugged me, told me he loved me, and said.. Now you will sit on your sore bottom and eat the dinner I have fixed for you without argument. Are we clear? Yes.... I am absolutely clear.

Dinner was eaten, it was delicious. Then... a little lovin took place, he asked nothing of me, but I can say this.... I felt like a limp wet noodle.... promptly fell asleep and slept soundly through the entire night. I awoke fresh and ready to face our weekend.

So sir, knew instinctively what I was in need of. It was amazing. Just glad I really wasn't in trouble, because three implements at one time was new for me, and I can say that I still feel that nice warm burn as I sit today. I would say he had his HOH hat on good, and I might add.... his dominance was quite hot and sexy!!!

Trying to find the humor

So it is suppose to be natural for us to obey our husbands. But is it really?
Sure when we are in agreement and everything is going our way, no problems. Everything works out well for all. But what happens when we do not agree with what is being asked, or we are having a bad day, or we just plain don't feel like it?

I found this picture and it just made me laugh so hard, I had tears. This is SO.......me! Stubborn and prideful. I have never had to do corner time. Recently, I wondered if it would work for me. To be sent to a corner to think things over or to wait to be spanked does seem like it would be rather effective if one were in the right mindset.

And so.... because I have "attitude," I am most certain this is what would happen next. I showed hubby this picture of the little girl.. and with a twinkle in his eye, he just laughed, and said this was so me, and yep.... he would be done talking and moving on to making his point.

Hope everyone is having a great 4th of July weekend with family and friends.

Life's Changes......

So where does one actually begin? The past two years have been incredibly difficult, challenging and exciting. They have been filled with laughter, worries, fears, and unbelievable pride and joy.
What is the issue you might ask? The issue is that our lives as we know it is about to undergo a major change. It is not one that we wanted but it is one that will be necessary for our future well being.

We have had to make some extremely tough decisions this past week that will forever change the course of our lives as we know it. These are decisions that are painful for both of us. They are sure to shake us to our very core and challenge us as a couple. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to handle these changes and be the supportive and obedient wife that I need to be in order to provide the necessary support to my husband.

I have to hold on to the belief that God has us both in his hands, and he would not have brought us to this if he did not have plans to see us through this time. The question will be: do we trust him with our all?

                                                                                                                                                 We have both endured significant obstacles in the past two years and thought we were going to come out on top. No so much so, or at least this is the way it appears right now. Hopefully we will come out of this stronger and more resilient then ever as we face new challenges on our journey in life.

 Having Faith will be the key to our success. Having Faith in God, having Faith in one another. Certainly things have not turned out as we planned and not for a lack of trying, working hard and giving it our very best at all times. But maybe that is what God wanted for us even though we do not yet understand and it is all so fresh and painful right now. We have to trust that God will see us through.

So what has happened all of you might be asking? We opened our own business, and while it has been successful in the first year, going nearly two years missing over half of our income has left us with no credit, struggling to maintain our home as we pour everything we have into our business.
While we are meeting everyone's else's needs, we can no longer meet our own. We are fresh out of time, money and resources. We have put our home up for sale as well as our business. At this stage in our lives this will be a hardship.  I will need to follow my husband's lead and be able to meet his needs as he struggles with the difficult decisions we are sure to face. This will be TTWD/dd in it's finest hour. I am not talking spankings here, I am talking about communicating effectively, listening with empathy, doing what I am asked even if it doesn't make sense. I need to make things easy for him. But every now and then.... I will need him to take me by the hand and tell me everything will be ok. And with him by my side...... it is all that I actually need. We can loose everything around us, but we will still have each other. He is still my knight in shining armor, he is my sir, he is my everything.