Harsh words, Hidden anger, Silence = "Spanking and meaningful conversation."

Ok. This is me yesterday evening. Doesn't look good does it?

So..... It has been a hard week for us. Work has been great but challenging. Last night, one thing led to another and well tempers flew and I spoke my mind and even though I felt 100% certain that I was right, the manner in which I came across was disrespectful. Silence then ensued as we got through the night. I didn't want to discuss anything. I wanted to stew about what had happened. Oh sure, we kind of both joked about what happened, Sir on the lighter note, me however took it all to heart and only became more angrier as I continued to keep my thoughts inside my head. The short ride home was spent with Sir making normal conversation as I sat in total sullen silence.

We are home, I am upstairs changing for bed, ready to get into our cozy warm bed and unwind.
I suddenly hear Sir say... are you over the bed? Huh? I NEVER heard him say that and now he is acting as though of course he did. I said.. No!!! No I am not. I am tired and just want to relax.
SILENCE.  Good I thought. Just maybe he will get the message I am really P----d off and he will leave me alone. NOT. Sir comes into the bedroom and says.. I told you over the bed now. I said.. Really? You have to be kidding me.  He said.. Do I look like I am kidding? I have the means to be sure you end up over the bed so let's go now.  He "ripped" really pulled the covers back. I didn't move.
Sir walked to the corner of the room and picked up the following item.

Not another word. Well of course that was not going to stop me, until.... yep Sir started smacking me with the HOH stick, I tried to cover my butt with my hands and SMACK!!! Right on my hand. Sir said.. I would advise you to move your hands and put down your phone. Turn over right now. You need this more than you know. Reluctantly, I turned over and accepted my fate, tears were right there not because I was sorry, but because deep down I was still angry and felt he was being unfair. Sir finished up, and said that should give you something to sleep on. He got into bed. I attempted to turn away but no... Sir wrapped his arms around me and said he loved me and that I was to settle down and get some sleep. Normally when we are like this, I am to stirred up to sleep, but not last night. I slept hard but I did keep dreaming the same dream over and over again, replaying what had happened. I was still angry. Morning finally arrived. I got up and showered. I felt like I was in a really bad mood and that is never good when you still have one very long day ahead. I got out of the shower, dried off and saw Sir sitting on the bed. I came to him with the intent of at least getting off my mind what had happened and to see if we could clear the air. I am not sure what happened when I got to Sir but what I said next floored me. Sir said.. do you need something? I said yes. I need you to help me clear the air. I need a reset. Sir stared at me intently. He said.. really? You think so? After all the disrespect shown last night? Well little lady, don't you worry. I am already prepared to do just that. And out he pulls............

Yes, the dreaded leather strap. I think you are healing well enough and I am capable of making my point without injuring you further. Over the bed now.

Ok. So I am not over Sir's lap, but am over the bed as this supports me better at this time. And with that Sir started to spank. And me......

Yep, those tears were right there. I was angry, hurt, frustrated and now about to be spanked. Sir provided the first 4-5 smacks and they definitely hurt. I just soaked them in. I tried to put aside my angry thoughts and find more meaningful thoughts to focus on. I asked Sir to stop for a moment and asked if he would please talk to me. He said.. sure. Lay back down. He started to spank. He also started to talk about his side of what he felt had happened. I was strongly disagreeing in my head as he continued to spank and the swats were getting more intense. I finally lashed out what my thoughts were with the situation. Brave of me with a bare bottom and a Sir with a leather strap in his hand. But.. I told him exactly why I was upset as I cried. Sir kept spanking and adding little comments in.

Once I let it all out, and accepted the spanking.. I could hear his words of his side of the story and realized that he had a much deeper message and intent for speaking to me yesterday evening than I had realized. I missed the message because I let my assumptions and quick temper flare up and then continued to build upon those feelings through the night and into this morning. I saw my mistake for what it was whether I was right or wrong really was irrelevant. Sir still expects respects at all times regardless if we are alone or with others. Now he was going to spank because of my disrespect.
And so.... he did. And yes, it hurt and still hurts as I sit here. But.. I am calm. I am thoughtful in my response to Sir here at work. Most importantly, I know he heard me and I heard him. Now, we can move ahead.

And so..... I need to remain mindful who is the leader in our home, in our business. I may have to remind myself many times as my temper often flares and gets in the way. Sir says we are moving ahead with TTWD as it has been way too long and he will not be tolerating a sassy wife.

So there you have it ladies. I only hope I can keep things in check and continue to move ahead and be the wife he expects, desires and deserves me to be.

What a difference a year can make......

 Just about this time last year, my life was in turmoil. I was exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, on overload, angry, moody, tearful. Enter Sir. He was well aware of all of the issues I was facing , and ever so patiently listened to my many concerns. He dried many tears away. He stood by me as I struggled to determine what actions I needed to take. I am certain, he too, was tired of the constant turmoil in our home, my being present but yet not present in real time. One day, Sir had apparently had just about enough and sent me a simple text message that said: " we are taking a different direction." "Tell them you will be retiring effective the end of the year, and do it today, understood?"

And with that simple statement, my whole life was about to change in ways that I was not expecting.
I was stunned, then I was in disbelief as his words sunk in. He was providing me a way out of a very difficult situation and made the tough decision that I was struggling to make. What would this mean for us? So many questions, self doubts swirled around in my head. Suddenly his words came back to me from his text... "do it  today" And so I shut my office door, put on some quiet music and typed out my letter of resignation and hit the send button before I could give another thought. While I had  so many things yet to  do for the evening, I simply got up, turned everything off and went home. I had a couple of hours before Sir would be home. I sat on our bed in total silence. I had just resigned my position. The tears just filled my eyes and I sobbed. Finally I pulled myself together, took a hot shower and got into bed. I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, Sir was at the bedside and the first question he asked was.. did you resign your position today? I simply nodded my head yes. Good girl. Go to sleep and get some rest. We will have plenty of time to address the details in the weeks ahead. That night I slept the entire night through, something I had not been able to do for several years. I awakened rested, and while somewhat apprehensive, I headed into work ready to address the many emails my letter of resignation would generate. I quickly became overwhelmed. What would I say, how would I address the many questions? I decided to keep it very simple...
"My husband and I have decided to take another direction." And that is exactly what I said hundreds of times over that day and in the months to follow.

Fast forward now to where we are. Retiring was not easy, but it was necessary. Many months later, people stop me and comment how rested I look, how happy I look, I am glowing apparently.
My health has improved tremendously. I have lost weight, my blood pressure is normal, I am sleeping well, I am eating better, I am not moody, tearful or worried in the same manner I was.
I am enjoying life as it should be. I am living in the present. It is a choice I have made.

Yesterday, I had several appointments I needed to keep, and Sir told me I could just take the day off from our business and I was to try to get some rest in as well. No household chores or working in the yard were to be done. I was to enjoy my day. It is already a beautiful fall season here in my neck of the woods. I noticed the blue sky, the fluffy white clouds, the brilliant sunshine, the crisp cool air and of course the beautiful fall foliage. I went about my errands, tended to my apts. Treated myself to a light breakfast and later in the afternoon to an ice cream. I arrived home, and went about changing the linens on our bed when suddenly, I was overcome with emotions. I sat on our bed and tears silently fell. What was happening here? Sir came to my mind vividly. I could imagine the text message I had
received a year ago. I thought about all of the things that have transpired for us in the past year. I was overcome with gratitude. My Sir did not worry about the details of how our "taking a different direction" would look when he gave the directive.  In his infinite wisdom, while I am certain he did think through the financial ramifications, he still knew it was what would be best for me, and for us.
I quickly picked up my phone and sent him a simple text message.  I thanked Sir for all of his hard work in providing for our every need, how much he was appreciated and how much I loved him for taking care of me. I sat there for awhile and just felt my emotions as they were.

Now I wouldn't want any of you to think that things have just been "perfect" here. We all know I am not the perfect little angel, we all know that I am stubborn, prideful, strong-willed and have even been known to go explicitly against Sir's wishes. And for that.....

Yep, my arts and craft project from last year has been and is still being used even though Sir broke it across my rear end months ago now. We laugh now thinking back, I wasn't laughing then I can assure you. And while we both are on the mend now from our injuries of the summer, this implement while broken still stands in the corner of our bedroom and serves as a reminder that it can and will be used as Sir see's fit.

And while I often "buck" the rules, and find myself over Sir's lap, the fact is I feel secure in  knowing the boundaries and whether in agreement or not, that Sir will not hesitate to enforce his expectations and help me get back to a better place of clear understanding of  those expectations.

Learning to work with Sir is a whole different post, but let's just say that having a TTWD lifestyle has been instrumental in keeping boundaries and expectations in place as we go through the process.

We have been faced with challenges for sure over the summer and TTWD took a back seat for awhile and we are slowly finding our way back. Well ok.. Sir is back... I am coming back with my feet dragging a bit. I mean after all, going for several months without being spanked or spanked in the manner that one has become accustomed to, leaves one's bottom feeling very tender at the slightest touch....Sir is mindful of my injury as well, and is using caution, but then proceeds to move forward

and assures me my bottom will once again become well accustomed to his touch or his implements...

What can be said here really? I am grateful for Sir, his wisdom, his guidance, his love. I am grateful that one year ago, I did not hesitate to follow through with his directive.

Challenged....

It's been awhile I know. What a difference a month can make. Sir is nearly back to his normal self following the difficult injury he had early summer. It is me, that has been off balance. I can't quite put my finger on the situation except to say that I often am feeling lost and confused. I have decided that
we are being faced with challenges regarding our TTWD journey. That is scary in and of itself.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we are changing directions, just that it doesn't feel like it has in the past.

 I would say this is me at present. I kind of  feel like I have dropped down into a dark hole and am struggling to find my way back up and into normalcy whatever that might mean. While Sir is trying to move us ahead, I am reluctant to follow his lead and it is not clear to me as to why.

 I came across this saying today , and I feel it does sum up exactly how I feel at the present time about TTWD. Before we were both injured this summer, we were humming along just fine and then....Bam!!! We were blindsided and our lifestyle as we have always known it, came to a stand still as we struggled through the healing process for us both. Oh there have been on going statements made by Sir through out this time has shown me that he very much was doing his best to stay in the leadership role, but for me I could feel myself slipping further away and definitely not leaning in to his way of thinking. I was not being difficult, I was not even being a brat, I just felt closed off.
Now it is not anyone's fault that we both sustained injuries that would take time to heal, but yet I felt resentful that we were placed in a position that we could not do TTWD as we normally have and that really made me upset. I mean now, we are able to spend all of our time together and we should just be growing by leaps and bounds right? Wrong. I am reluctant but why? I don't have the answer at the moment.

 I am a planner by nature. I wish there had been some warning that we were about to go through some very challenging times that would most likely change the course of how we were going about our daily lives. Some times it seems to me that when I look back over the past several months, that just maybe how we have been going about TTWD really isn't how it should be done.  I mean without the foundation being present, you can not continually grow. What I mean here is that we are old school people. Married for 40 years and from our dating years moving forward, always some form of spanking has been involved which in most instances took care of many situations. What's missing here is the many conversations we probably should have had along the way, and for whatever the reason we simply didn't. We just evolved with time. Is this right or is this wrong, I am not sure.
I think if we have had  better communication through out our lifetime, perhaps this episode of needing to place TTWD on the back  burner might not have been so difficult or challenging. Now we find ourselves off the beaten path so to speak, and as for me, struggling to find my way back to where we were. Sir is definitely trying, it is me that is failing in the process by not leaning in. What am I afraid of here exactly? I can not answer that question either at present. Perhaps things will not be the same? Yes.. I think that is my worst fear oddly enough.

And so.... I need to place my pride aside and ask Sir for his help in getting us back on track with whatever measures he deems necessary. Problem? Yes. I HATE to ask for anyone's help. I HATE to admit to failing. I dread telling Sir that I am finding it difficult to follow his leadership and most importantly, I am saddened that I can not find it within myself to submit to his leadership. I am disappointed with myself. Sir has given me his all. I on the other hand can not find the strength to pull myself off the ground, dust myself off and begin once again.

In my search for pictures for this post, I did come across the above one, and it did make me laugh.

That little devilish side of me came out. It is so me whenever I do something that I already know Sir would not approve of. So I guess, there is hope that I will come around and we will find our way back into TTWD that will make sense for us both. I am open to any feedback from any of you Ladies who may have traveled down this road or experienced similar feelings. I am looking forward to returning

to some kind of normalcy. Wish us luck.

40 years and counting....

August 7, 1976. Seems so very long ago and yet also seems just like yesterday, we stood before God, family and friends and pledged our hearts to one another. We were young. Many said "it won't last"
Statistically, they were probably right. We on the other hand, we were stubborn, in love and determined to prove the whole world wrong. We thought we knew it all. One way or the other we would make it work.

There were many winding roads we took along the way, we certainly had many up's and down's with what life threw our way. It was not always easy. It was not always fun. There were in fact times where I am sure we both wanted to give up. But each one of us in our own way, were too stubborn, too prideful to just simply give up. And yes, most importantly despite all of life's difficulty, we were still in love with each other.

Along our journey of 40 years, it became very apparent to me that I had married a very special man, one who is the prince of my heart but also was a very dominant leader in our home. That part did not sit well with me at all in our earliest of years. So many arguments, so many temper tantrums did I throw in those early years. It is a true wonder to me that my man stayed with me at all. But stay he did, and he had his very own way of dealing with a wife who would not listen to reason, willfully disobeyed him at every opportunity, was down right disrespectful. He spanked, and he spanked hard.
He did not play games in letting me know of his displeasure and of his expectations moving forward.

Let's just say that Sir had his own little arsenal of persuasive implements that were frequently used without hesitation. Most often was his hand, followed by his belt when things were really not going well. Soon the paddle followed and a riding crop none of which were pleasant when he meant business. But you know what happened here ladies? I soon began to get his message when he meant business. I also knew that I did not want to disappoint him. This is a man who ALWAYS puts my needs, wants and desires above his own and.... he had met and exceeded my wildest dreams and then more.

But wait... what was happening here? I felt like I was living a secret life. I mean who in their right mind would discuss with anyone what was going on in our home? Were there other women who accepted being spanked by their husbands?  I mean really? I had so many questions. And then....

Yes, I was technologically challenged for many years, but once I got my own laptop and learned about google... good lord..... you know what happened next. Entering in that single word that you don't dare speak out loud... "Spanking" and OMG......A whole new world opened up to me. I must have read for weeks on end and believe you me... there is plenty to read. But what did catch my eye was TTWD/DD. Ahhhhh... at long last. There actually is a name for what we had instinctively been doing for most of our marriage. I could hardly believe what I was reading. And then..... I discovered..

Blogging. Now that was yet a whole other thing that I knew nothing about. But once I stumbled across some of the TTWD/DD blogger sites.. my oh my. I was a lurker for sure for so many months.
I was initially embarrassed even within the comfort and privacy of my own home. But soon... even while still lurking... I began to feel comfortable with TTWD. Then THAT day happened. I stumbled across Meredith's blog..... and she had an email attached. The door was wide open. Would I take a leap of faith and walk through that door to see if I could establish some honest communication and perhaps a friendship of some sort? Well the rest is of course history. I did reach out to Meredith and she was instrumental in helping me sort through those early feelings of uncertainty particularly since I had read way too much. I am forever incredibly grateful for her friendship and her honesty. And while I remained technologically challenged, I persevered and through trial and error finally was able to get my own blog up and running. Through that blog I have met many other wonderful women who have provided me with much support in the past several years.

So where is this going now you might ask? Well after 40 years of
marriage, one of the most often asked questions in  our home is.... Have you had your spanking today? Sometimes said in fun, those are the best kind right? Sometimes
though the intent is to teach an expected lesson, not so much fun as we all know. But I do know one thing for sure..... and that is that I was blessed to be given this strong man of mine, one who is a leader in our home and will do whatever is necessary to keep the peace in our home and our love flames alive.

And so despite the many up's and down's of life, here we are today still very much in love, I his princess and he is my prince. After all true love never ends, and TTWD certainly helps keep those love flames alive and dancing.

Now I typically wouldn't show something personal here on my blog, but I just have to show you the beautiful 40th anniversary gift Sir gave me. Hang on.....

BLING!!!! It is gorgeous. I wanted to share this wonderful moment in our lives with all of you ladies who are special to me in one way or another. 40 years is a long time. I am looking forward to many more years of fun, laughter, love and yes even spanking as long as it keeps us moving in the right direction!!!!! Thanks for letting me share our special celebration.

Update, Shoe is on the other foot and yes Spanking!!!!!!!

Just wanted to stop by to provide an update. Sir is continuing to mend from his back injury. It is still a slow process but he is moving in the right direction. That HOH hat that must have fallen off the past several weeks has mysteriously reappeared. Now we have learned that I actually had a significant injury of my own that occurred at the same time and with all of the commotion and stress of figuring out what was wrong with Sir and how to best help him, I put my own aches and pain on the back burner and delayed in seeking care for myself. Not a great thing, but normal for me.

Now it appears, the shoe is on the other foot and it is no easier for me to accept help and follow specific instructions than it has been for Sir to do so. I will basically be out of physical connection for the next 6-8 weeks as I heal from a small pelvic fracture. I also tore some muscles, tendons and ligaments in the process that support my pelvis making it difficult and painful to walk and do most normal everyday household chores or my work here in our business other than desk work only. Ugh...

I will mend, but it will take time and I will be receiving treatment at least 1-2x a week.

Funny thing.. I totally was frustrated and yes even angry when Sir would not do as he was advised, and now that the shoe is on the other foot, I am having great difficulty following through with instructions as well.

 As most of you ladies can appreciate... we feel we have to do everything right? Well at least for me, it is ingrained in me, it is my personality. Hard to slow down. I try to modify my activity but before you know it.. I am in full swing to get the job done quickly and correct. Here is where Sir comes in.
I have received more HOH looks & comments over the past two weeks than I ever have. Sir has been kind, gentle, supportive and loving as we have figured out ways for me to go about my daily activities with modification.  And so two nights ago, Sir told me the time has come for him to provide a well deserved spanking. the look on my face must have said it all. He said "oh don't worry, I'll make real sure you are comfortable and the only thing that will be hurting you is your bottom!!!

And so he made the bed real comfy.. many pillows and told me to lay over those pillows and hold on real tight. I had not had the spanking I needed in a very long time. Enough was enough. I quietly laid myself over the pillows he had placed. He pulled out the paddle and he knows I hate it. He then quietly laughed with a twinkle in his eye. He said the paddle probably is not the best option given the circumstances, but the strap would do just fine.  And so out came that also awful leather strap. He told me no wiggling around, no flailing of my legs, and he expected to stay put. If I was in true pain from my injury I was to let him know and he would readjust, I had just best be sure I was being truthful. And so.... the spanking commenced. It wasn't log before I was in tears. Sir talked to me about following rules and instructions. There would be no exceptions or there would be consequences.

Funny, the spanking was painful for sure, but somewhere deep down inside, I felt his gentleness, his love, his guidance, his protection and yes.. the HOH side I had been missing.  I felt re-connected, I felt like we were moving back into our normal routine. While I was laying over the pillows, with a very sore bottom, I fell in love all over again with my Sir. Strange I know.

So while a couple of weeks go, I felt hopeless, lost and confused, it does appear that our difficulties

will pass with time.

I liked the above saying. After nearly 40+ years together, my husband has seen me at my worst and my best and yet continues to love me unconditionally. He is my best friend, he is my lover, he is my everything and I know that he has my back and well... should I fail to follow his lead... he will have my bottom too!!!

Friendships

 Friendships. There is a lot to be said for having a friend to turn to in the good times and the difficult times. A friend tells you what you need to hear and not necessarily what you want to hear. They sympathize with you, they laugh with you and yes, on occasions will cry with you. They have your back.
I want to say I have been blogging now for 3+ years or so, and I have been privileged to have the support of many of you here in blogland and for that I am extremely appreciative. There has been one blogger that reached out to me very early on when I started to explore a TTWD relationship, how I thought it could help us, what I thought I wanted from the relationship and how I should best move ahead with incorporating this into my own marriage.

Many times I longed for this person to be closer to me so we could sit down over a cup of coffee, a cappuccino or perhaps a cup of tea and just discuss the many questions I had. I longed for the friendship of someone I could truly be "myself" with and discuss a topic that many others would find shocking and inappropriate. I longed for someone to talk with that would not judge me but help guide me through some of the issues I was having.

During my journey, I have connected with a blogger via email that I quickly knew I could ask most any question of her and I could also count on her honesty and her understanding even when advising me of things that maybe were difficult to hear. She has been there for me through the best of times and the worst of times and I never once felt judged, but instead I felt her understanding, her warmth, her care, her concern and her friendship.

Recently, as I have been going through quite a rough time in my marriage, I became vey over whelmed and really didn't know where to turn. This individual must have read my mind, because she suggested that we make time for a phone call. A phone call???!!! Wow. I wasn't sure what to think as we were about to take our relationship to another level. To say  I was nervous, excited, and a  bit anxious was an understatement. I mean to respond via a blog, or even to reach out via email was one
thing, but to actually reach out and call one another and hear each others voices was another. I mean would we be able to talk as friends.. would we spend time talking about TTWD? Would there be questions asked that I might not be prepared to answer just yet? How would I feel, how would she feel?

We agreed on a day and time that would work best for us both. The closer the time approached, the more anxiety I felt. I didn't want to be judged, and I didn't want to judge her. I wanted an honest discussion and I wanted her friendship.

And so finally I settled in and decided I would call her from the privacy of my restful place where I go to reflect on things and work through problems to be solved. And yes, this is an actual picture of my resting area. The appointed time arrived and I took a deep breath and dialed her number. I held my breath waiting for her to answer. She didn't keep me waiting. She must have been anticipating my call and answered my call as though she had known me for a very long time. I originally was cautious, but as we began to talk I found myself relaxing and starting to warm up. The conversation felt as though we could have been sitting in the same room with a cup of coffee just talking about the things that had been going on. Finally...... I was talking with someone who really understood me and the lifestyle I had chosen to live. Nothing seemed awkward. She made me feel comfortable.

While our first talk was not particularly long.. it broke the ice for the opportunity to visit again on a more personal level.

And so to my blogger friend... thank you for being willing to put yourself out there and helping ladies like me to feel comfortable in talking about our families, our life style, our issues in a non judgmental manner. I will never forget your kindness and your support and I look forward to getting to know you on a more personal level in the months ahead.

                 

Life's issues, disconnect, feeling lost.....

I wish I could say all is well in my neck of the woods. This post is so very hard for me. Through a series of events beginning in May, Sir hurt his back. Yes I know, many people have injured their backs. The difference here is that Sir has never had a significant injury or at least not one of the magnitude that he has been dealing with. I don't want to stereotype, but in this case I have to say being a "man" is part of the issue. He did not and would not seek care when I advised him to, and that started things down the wrong path way. Bottom line now, is he has been in a back brace, walks with the assistance of a walker and see's the Doctor two times a week. While there has been some improvement, it is painfully slow. This has definitely affected him physically, and whether he will admit to it, mentally and emotionally. This too, is affecting me. I am taking the "brunt" end of his frustration at a time when I am trying to find my way in my current lifestyle. TTWD? Well... yes this issue has affected TTWD.

And me... I am tearful way too much of the time. I am scared and frightened for what our future holds. We are to celebrate 40 years of marriage this coming August. We are arguing so much and I feel so disconnected and saddened that we are having this type of a communication crisis at this stage of our relationship. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. There are those brief periods of time where I can tell Sir is trying to find his way back, as though he knows he has pushed me way too far. But... my guard is up and I simply clam up. I  know, and we all know that two wrongs do not make things right.

Right now, my heart just wants things to return to normal. Then there is that part of my heart that is stubborn and hurting that keeps sending a message to shut down until he is past all of this. I have tried everything I know to help him, support him and take care of him. Has this always been with the best of attitudes? Probably not. There are days when Sir is being so difficult that he feels unlovable and I am shocked, hurt and saddened that I would feel this way. I know in reality Sir still loves me, it just doesn't feel that way, and he is probably struggling with his pain.... and so.. I love him anyway.

Yes, I know. Arguing really does not help any situation. I have always had a need to "be heard" and
so yes.. there are times when I argue because I want to explain my reasoning and to be heard. Sir is not always being rational right now, that is the truth. So I try to help in whatever way I can. I can only hold my tongue so long... and then an explosion will occur. We have had two such circumstances over the past 6-8 weeks. I am not proud of this, I am embarrassed actually. Both times I felt pushed against a wall and I just let Sir have it with all that I am. I did not say hurtful things to him I don't feel, just things that I felt really were occurring that were detrimental to him and to us. I basically told him what I would and would not tolerate moving forward if he wanted me to continue to help him. Now that I have shared that, I can see where that sounds like an ultimatum. It really was not intended as such.

Yes.. this is my heart right now. It feels heavy, broken and burdened. I feel as though I have failed Sir in every way possible especially right now. I can not depend or rely on him to help get me out of my dark place. And while I try to be strong, do all the right things, nothing feels right. I am off, we are off.

Last Sunday, we were heading out to go boating on the lake for the day. Our son was to come along to help with taking the boat to the lake and getting his Dad on the boat. We all felt it would be a good thing as we have not had time out on the lake yet this summer. Somewhere along the line as we were getting ready that morning, I was helping Sir into the truck, I must have said something that really set him off. One minute we were getting ready to leave and the next minute Sir suddenly turned off the truck. Got himself out, got his walker out, yelled for me to get out and go inside the garage right now, he was going to settle things once and for all. So.. inside the garage we went. Sir was yelling.. he would say loudly talking during this time, telling me that he was tired of my sassiness, disrespect shown to him in public, and it was time all of the above stopped. "Get over the car right now young lady he said." I was stunned. Sir said.. I am going to give you a spanking that you will never forget. To say that I was stunned is an understatement. Sir does not do discipline spankings. And now.. he chooses to do so? My heart is racing because he is so upset. I do know better than to argue at this point but I am thinking.. do I deserve this after all I have done for him? I apparently was not moving fast enough and despite the fact that Sir is using a walker, he put me over the car so quickly my head was spinning. My dress is pulled up, his hand is on my back and he spanks hard and fast. In fact, I am not sure when he has spanked that hard with his hand. My emotions were all over the place, but I stayed put and went with the moment. First discipline spanking ever, and.. I really didn't think it was fair.
Sir finished up, we got back into the truck and went about our day. We had a good time at the lake, but I was cautious and quite. We haven't talked about this yet, and I am still trying to decide what I make of all of this.

So... daily no matter how I am feeling, and regardless of Sir's mood, I am doing my best to show

through my actions rather than my words that I do love him, and I am sorry he is having such a hard time. I still want "us" to be back to normal.

And while I searched for pictures for this post, I came across this one above and it spoke to my heart.
I need to open my heart to be able to "forgive" Sir for not being at his best right now regardless of his reasons, right or wrong. I need to spend some time in quiet reflection about our relationship and TTWD. I need to find my "soft" place in my mind and in my heart. I am still feeling hopelessly lost as Sir continues to mend. I wonder what "we" will look like in the weeks ahead. So for now, I say a quiet prayer for Sir, one for me and one for "us" that we will get back to normal in the weeks ahead.
I miss our special connection. I miss the balance we had. I took for granted the lifestyle we had.
I miss my Sir....