Challenged....

It's been awhile I know. What a difference a month can make. Sir is nearly back to his normal self following the difficult injury he had early summer. It is me, that has been off balance. I can't quite put my finger on the situation except to say that I often am feeling lost and confused. I have decided that
we are being faced with challenges regarding our TTWD journey. That is scary in and of itself.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we are changing directions, just that it doesn't feel like it has in the past.

 I would say this is me at present. I kind of  feel like I have dropped down into a dark hole and am struggling to find my way back up and into normalcy whatever that might mean. While Sir is trying to move us ahead, I am reluctant to follow his lead and it is not clear to me as to why.

 I came across this saying today , and I feel it does sum up exactly how I feel at the present time about TTWD. Before we were both injured this summer, we were humming along just fine and then....Bam!!! We were blindsided and our lifestyle as we have always known it, came to a stand still as we struggled through the healing process for us both. Oh there have been on going statements made by Sir through out this time has shown me that he very much was doing his best to stay in the leadership role, but for me I could feel myself slipping further away and definitely not leaning in to his way of thinking. I was not being difficult, I was not even being a brat, I just felt closed off.
Now it is not anyone's fault that we both sustained injuries that would take time to heal, but yet I felt resentful that we were placed in a position that we could not do TTWD as we normally have and that really made me upset. I mean now, we are able to spend all of our time together and we should just be growing by leaps and bounds right? Wrong. I am reluctant but why? I don't have the answer at the moment.

 I am a planner by nature. I wish there had been some warning that we were about to go through some very challenging times that would most likely change the course of how we were going about our daily lives. Some times it seems to me that when I look back over the past several months, that just maybe how we have been going about TTWD really isn't how it should be done.  I mean without the foundation being present, you can not continually grow. What I mean here is that we are old school people. Married for 40 years and from our dating years moving forward, always some form of spanking has been involved which in most instances took care of many situations. What's missing here is the many conversations we probably should have had along the way, and for whatever the reason we simply didn't. We just evolved with time. Is this right or is this wrong, I am not sure.
I think if we have had  better communication through out our lifetime, perhaps this episode of needing to place TTWD on the back  burner might not have been so difficult or challenging. Now we find ourselves off the beaten path so to speak, and as for me, struggling to find my way back to where we were. Sir is definitely trying, it is me that is failing in the process by not leaning in. What am I afraid of here exactly? I can not answer that question either at present. Perhaps things will not be the same? Yes.. I think that is my worst fear oddly enough.

And so.... I need to place my pride aside and ask Sir for his help in getting us back on track with whatever measures he deems necessary. Problem? Yes. I HATE to ask for anyone's help. I HATE to admit to failing. I dread telling Sir that I am finding it difficult to follow his leadership and most importantly, I am saddened that I can not find it within myself to submit to his leadership. I am disappointed with myself. Sir has given me his all. I on the other hand can not find the strength to pull myself off the ground, dust myself off and begin once again.

In my search for pictures for this post, I did come across the above one, and it did make me laugh.

That little devilish side of me came out. It is so me whenever I do something that I already know Sir would not approve of. So I guess, there is hope that I will come around and we will find our way back into TTWD that will make sense for us both. I am open to any feedback from any of you Ladies who may have traveled down this road or experienced similar feelings. I am looking forward to returning

to some kind of normalcy. Wish us luck.