March Questions

So here we are already in March and it is once again time for the yearly opportunity for you to ask any questions you would like. I am a bit behind with this but am happy to join in the process.
I will answer any and all questions by the end of next week.
I hope everyone is having a great week. As for me.... still working on how I plan to speak with
Sir this weekend about TTWD. I will share with you at next weeks post how this goes for us.
Thanks to everyone for your support and comments.

Reflections

I have been doing a lot of self reflection over the past several weeks. One day things seem perfectly normal and clear, another day brings uncertainty and confusion. I am a "thinker" I want absolute clarity and understanding with everything that I do. I am finding out that with TTWD things are not always as they seem or as I have thought they should be. I have done what I know is not a good thing to do, in that I have started to question our own personal lifestyle after doing way too much reading on the internet, as well as some fictional books. Put that together with reading too many blogs and it's a wonder that I am confused. Now I am not blaming anyone except for myself for being in this state of mind. Fantasy vs real life scenarios are clearly two very different situations. One must be able to separate the two. Where is this leading you may ask? Well I will do my best to explain.

Sir and I have been together for 43 years and will be married 40 years this August. One would certainly think the lines of communication are wide open by now but not so much so where TTWD is concerned. Heck up until 2011, I didn't even know such a thing existed. Sir and I have always had some type of "spanking thing" going on since even prior to us being married. He spanked for his reasons and I just accepted it as this is the way things are although secretly inside I was so turned on by his dominance. Of course dominance is fine when it is convenient and when it is not, holy cow look out, this lady gets sassy and feisty and downright difficult to be around. And so many years went by with my behavior being out of control and certainly not pleasing for Sir. I knew what his expectations were but I continued to push the boundaries until he spanked. Then I got what I wanted or so I thought. Spanking without clear communication is just that.. spanking. For a person such as myself who thinks everything through, I have at times been confused. Why am I so turned on by this and if so,why do I keep pushing boundaries that makes my Sir not happy with me? Enter in.... internet googling. Boy did that land me in a mess with reading so much information that I thought I had hit the jack pot of all times. At last.... because the topic of spanking is actually on the internet and it was labeled as domestic discipline it must be truly an ok thing for people to pursue right? Ummmm not necessarily.

Thank goodness for friendships made here in blog land. If I had not been extended the friendship of one of our bloggers, things would definitely have taken a downward turn for me. This individual has been a life saver in more than one instance. She has helped me to understand that what I crave and need is not necessarily abnormal and that there are actually some good benefits to this lifestyle. She has allowed me to be me so I could ask those difficult questions that under any other circumstances would be so embarrassing to discuss. She is honest and open, she calls things as she see's them, and offers guidance in a way that allows me to continue to explore this journey I am on and find the answers and solutions to the issues that are challenging for me.

This week's lesson for me is... Communication. You see while Sir and I have been doing TTWD for many years now, have we actually sat down and had "the talk" about  what this lifestyle means to each one of us? No. No we have not. Sir, is not much of a talker where as I want to analyze and talk things over in great length so there is no misunderstanding. And so as the quote above states, we are in the same relationship, but I believe we most often see TTWD from very different perspectives hence my state of confusion. I won't really know that for sure unless... we have "the talk" So in the next few days ahead, I am doing my best to make some notes about why I really want this lifestyle for us, and not just the gg spankings we all love, or the increased connection that ramps up the sex life at this point, but because there is actually some meaning and purpose behind TTWD. I need to know he has me, he has us and that I have boundaries and consequences.  This is going to be difficult and I am truly petrified at trying to explain myself so that I do not sound needy about this part of our relationship.  I don't want this to appear as though it is a game or a passing moment in time. I truly believe I am ready to let go of my power and follow his leadership.

So this week, I am taking a step back, reflecting, and checking to see if we are in fact able to move forward in the right direction with  Accountability, Consequences, Love and Understanding . Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and I am hopeful this time next week, I will have some positive news to share with regards to how our communication time went.

Yes, I know it has been a very long time since I have been here. It's as though I fell off the face of the earth with absolutely no warning. Truth is.. that's pretty much what happened. I struggled through the entire 2015 year with issues surrounding my work and my health. It was a very dark time for me. While my intentions were good to continue on with my blog, the sad fact is that so much just got in the way and before I knew it, it just seemed that things were so complicated that I couldn't resume my blogging.

I had many choices to make, many chances I needed to take and changes that were necessary. In a nut shell, my health really took a "hit" and my work situation was not making it any easier or better for me to be my best. I struggled all year long to face what would be the inevitable.

I would have a long road ahead of me that only I could walk and make the decisions that would be necessary for a lifestyle of changes. 

  So after a completely miserable year in 2015, January 2016 arrived and with it, my decision to retire from a career that I had held for 35 years. One that was passionate about and would miss with everything I am. It was in part what defined me or so I thought. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Through all of this, Sir... was right beside me. He went through the worst of times with me and also helped to guide me all with out telling me what my choice should be. After looking at many other options to be able to continue working but hopefully decreasing my stress level it became quite apparent to Sir that "we would need to take a different direction." And with that, in one fell swoop he sent a text telling me to give my notice that day and that my career was done. We were going in another direction. How did I feel? I felt so many things it is hard to express. I do know,

I felt "relief" Sir made the decision for me that I had struggled with all year long. And while I certainly felt some sorrow, anxiety and a loss, I obeyed him without further discussion or question.

It's been a long road, but it has been so worth it. I ended my career the last day in January 2016. And I started a new part of my journey working side by side with Sir in our business. Giving up the power and control I once had has not been easy. My health has improved tremendously and I am happier than I have been in a very long time. Learning to work side by side with Sir, and being together 24//7 has certainly been an eye opener. I am not nearly as compliant as I should be. But he has a fix for that too. We have continued on our journey of TTWD. It is continually evolving. It is an essential part of who we are and how we will move forward.

Anyone recognize what the above picture really might be? Hummmmm. A familiar Home project center? Yep... Home Depot has these quite lovely and I might add conveniently located yardsticks at every checkout counter. One day.. Sir told me to go and purchase one and decorate it so it could be on display in our bedroom without anyone else really being able to guess it's true use. And so I did.
Sir was pleased. My rear end was not!!!! That simple yard stick in the hands of your HOH is probably not the best thing you could hope for. It does however serve as a great reminder to mind one's self of what is expected of them to avoid this at all costs!! Just thought I would show all of you I can be artistic!!

And so whenever the mood strikes for me to be Ms. Sassy Pants..... I need only to remember that acting in this manner, will get my pants lowered and this nicely decorated yardstick across my bare bottom. A pretty good deterrent wouldn't you agree? Well it's good to be back, hopefully I will have more time to explore TTWD and catch up with everyone. It's good to be back in blog land.

Take a Memo he says.....

So sir suddenly says.... Take a memo to yourself. 

What about I asked as I hurried about my business. He says "Oh you know" No, no I don't. Or do I?
I had woken up quite grumpy Friday morning and my mood did not improve as the day went on. By the time we were working together at our business, apparently I had snapped one time too many to his various requests. I was not respectful or at all nice in my responses and..... I was not at all slowing down to even give him my full undivided attention.
So.... sir says the memo should say this. You. Me. My hand, your ass, my belt, message to be delivered. Well... what does one say to that? Except.....

Hummmm. I guess someone needs an attitude adjustment.  I am guessing that someone is me.
Good grief. Will I ever learn?
It's a hot one here for us this weekend. I am guessing my rear end is about to be heated up as well.
Hopefully my stubbornness and pride will give in and I will listen up and settle down. We will see.

Thank goodness for friends and....I have attitude issues. Who me?

Before I start rambling off here, let me extend a heartfelt thank you to all of my blog land friends for taking the time to read and respond to my last post. While the issues I am dealing with at present are not the worst, they have been difficult and challenging at best and I am truly thankful and appreciative of all the support I have received.  Friends tell it like it is. They feed your soul. They nourish your mind and fill your heart with love. Thank goodness for friends.                                                                    

This is how I feel right now. I feel small and am doing my best to act in the expected big girl way. Only problem is.. I don't feel like it.


 This is EXACTLY how I am acting and I don't give a darn well except when the big guy gives me a look. You all know THE look. The one that says I am rapidly approaching a date with the paddle over his lap. Even then..I am pushing boundaries, spiraling out of control. I can't seem to stop myself even if I do know there will be consequences.

I just feel totally and completely frustrated and like I want to just explode. I can't even exactly put my finger on it, I just know that I am about to find myself in some serious trouble with the big guy if I don't get my act together. Between us girls.. I don't care. Well maybe I do just a bit.

So, by now, most of you can tell I am having attitude issues. I know if I recognize this in myself, I am certain everyone around me including the big guy can tell I am having issues. 

So, we all know we have choices every day in how things are going to go. Good day or bad day? The choice is all up to us. My problem? I can't even make an intelligent choice because I am currently in a "I don't give a darn" attitude. The big guy has advised me he has had just about enough and plans to take appropriate necessary action real quick. 

So.... if you are a bad little girl, you can be darn sure that you are going to get just exactly what you deserve. 

So.... this is where I will be finding myself very soon. Perhaps the big guy knows just exactly how to readjust my attitude. 

I am guessing that love, peace and harmony will be restored to my world which in turn will make the big guy oh so very happy. I told him thank you even before this planned event happens this evening. He said.. your most welcome little lady. Whatever it takes and however I can help., I am more than willing to do for you. I am here for you, Just remember that tonight when we are holding a much different conversation. I will do my best. After all, he knows what is best right?




                                      

To love, honor and obey, in sickness and in health, or be prepared to pay the price......

Goodness, when I last posted it was still spring with occasional snow flurries and now we are headed right into summer. I have a confession to make to most of you, that while I was not posting, I was still reading or maybe I had reverted back to official lurking. Trying to stay connected but yet felt disconnected all at the same time. Life for most of you has been moving ahead as it should, but for me I have had an issue that has been personal to me and it has taken me awhile to decide if I wanted to share this with all of you. At the urging of a good friend, I have decided to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and begin to post again if nothing else but to sort through my own thoughts and feelings and if it is helpful to one person than I am honored.

We will soon be celebrating 39 years of marriage in August of this year. Just enough time to have gone by that our wedding vows are nearly a distant memory, so much so, I can not actually recall if I promised to obey. I do distinctly remember the love, honor and cherish part.. so romantic at the time. I also recall in sickness and health but gosh at that time I equated that to old age and figured that was part of the deal right? Till death do us part was just something I never wanted to think about all together. How immature was I then when I said these vows? Did I really understand my level of commitment and what it would ultimately mean? No. Looking back now... that's sad. Do I get it now? Absolutely. Regrets? Yes. That I have wasted so much time in living my life without the full knowledge and understanding of these vows. However, I am eternally grateful that God in his infinite wisdom, gave me the man he knew would be able to not just teach and show me these vows but lives these vows to their fullest. Where is this all leading? I am not well. I am not dying... I mean we will all eventually die I get that, but I have not been well for quite some time. I have had various health issues that have come and gone over the past several years and more so in the past year. I was recently diagnosed with "Lupus" For those of you not familiar with this illness, it is an autoimmune disease where your own healthy immune system turns on itself and starts attacking various organs in your bottom causing all kinds of havoc. It is not curable, and you simply deal with each health crisis as it occurs. Mine started out with a sudden loss of most of my hair requiring me to purchase a wig just to keep anyone from knowing something was going wrong with my health. This was emotionally difficult for me and a very humbling time. It was a time when my husband stepped right up and took complete control of the situation even before we had the diagnosis. I scheduled and canceled many apts to go and learn about wigs and such because I was always too busy at work. One day he called and asked if I had rescheduled my apt and when I told him no, he said we would be talking that night. I got home, where he called me upstairs. Not realizing there was an issue, I went upstairs to greeted by a very unhappy husband with a paddle in his hand. I became angry actually. What right did he have to think this was a spankable issue? It was my health, my looks and I would deal with this in my own time right? Wrong. I tried talking to him first, then I became angry and defensive, stated using all kinds of explicative words. I interrupted him every time he tried to talk to me. He warned me, I kept pushing right on. I mean what was he really gong to do anyway? He called me to him several times. Each time I was defiant and refused. He quietly took my hand and puled me close to him and made me look him in the eyes. He told me I was beautiful, and that he would always love me regardless of what the issues were and that it was time that I put myself first and if I couldn't do that then he would see to it that I did even if I had to learn the lesson the hard way. Did I understand? Yes I mumbled out loud, but inside my head and my heart I was angry, so much so that I had tuned out the rest of what he was saying and when I could not answer his questions this is where I found myself.                                                          

To say that I was shocked was putting it mildly. Now that he had my undivided attention and my bare bottom under his hand, he had me right where he wanted me and was able to continue on with his thoughts of the situation and how this was going to play out. Silly me of course, I wanted to continue to argue about a whole multitude of issues I was not in agreement with in the moment. He had a plan for this too and did not hesitate one minute.
                                                                   

Now I know most of you know I  HATE this paddle. I even told him so. I told him I was finished, to which he replied...yes lady, you are finished. And with that his point was well made and I felt it for days after, but most importantly, his message remains in my mind and in my heart. He has this situation, he has me, he has us. I thought I would stop TTWD. It is a good thing that we officially have been doing this lifestyle for 2 years now and worked through some of the kinks. It is a good thing he is an awesome HOH.  They say the way into a man's heart is through his stomach. I guess the way to get into my mind and my heart is through my bare bottom. It worked. He made his points. His message was well understood. He made it very clear that from now on.... he was taking charge and I had best listen and obey. YES... he told me I MUST obey him or more consequences would follow.                                                            

Obedience will be crucial as we move forward. I have always cared for others and find it very hard to let others do for me. I will have good days and not good days. I will need hubby during both times and I will need to learn to accept his guidance, leadership and protection in sickness and in health, 

for better or for worse just as our vows were spoken 39 years ago. 

I am thankful for this man of mine who does not hesitate for one minute to take me in hand. 

For in his hands, I feel safe, secure and so very loved. I am blessed beyond measure. 

                                                                   

                                                                         
                                                                       

He's Got My Back...

No matter what life throws at me, He's got my back. Years ago. I would not have recognized what a wonderful gift of protection that is.

Hubby has always been protective, I was always stubborn and prideful. You know, I can figure this out, I can handle this all on my own, I don't need to be told what to do. In behaving that way, it caused many arguments and many painful lessons learned the hard way for me. I wished we had been practicing TTWD/dd in those years. I wished I had not waited so long to accept my husband's leadership.

Fast forward, It is a very good thing that we are practicing TTWD/dd now. I have had some health issues that have made every day activities challenging and difficult. Even a year ago, I would have challenged everything that was told to me. While I occasionally "catch" myself trying to fight against what is being told to me, there is this soft spot in my heart, that tells me "it's ok" Rest easy, he has this, he has you. And that brings me comfort and makes me feel so loved and cherished.

I no longer feel the need to push the boundaries. Hubby has become very good at picking up on the subtle cues that tell him I am struggling and need to be reigned back in. He does not hesitate in doing just that. I have found myself over his lap frequently in the past several weeks. Not because I am necessarily in trouble, but because he understands that if he does not intervene, I am going to spiral down hill and most likely end up in trouble. He does not do  punishment spankings, but he can send a message to my bottom that most clearly tells me of his expectations. I find comfort here too. Here over his lap, I feel like I can truly "let go" of whatever the issues are and just be me. I can be angry, I can remain quiet, I can cry. I can work out the issues that are causing problems for me and sometimes for us, and know that he has my back. He has my heart and will take whatever steps are necessary to bring me back to him. Here I am safe.

Always after I am over his lap, I find myself here. Wrapped in his arms, usually bottom on fire....
here he will hold me until my tears are done regardless of how long it may take. Sometimes words are shared, sometimes it is the unspoken word that can say the most. Here... no matter why I found myself over his lap, I know that what he did, he did in love and wants me to be at peace. Here is where I find comfort, peace and am secure in his never ending love for me. He is my Sir, I am his forever love.