Reflections

I have been doing a lot of self reflection over the past several weeks. One day things seem perfectly normal and clear, another day brings uncertainty and confusion. I am a "thinker" I want absolute clarity and understanding with everything that I do. I am finding out that with TTWD things are not always as they seem or as I have thought they should be. I have done what I know is not a good thing to do, in that I have started to question our own personal lifestyle after doing way too much reading on the internet, as well as some fictional books. Put that together with reading too many blogs and it's a wonder that I am confused. Now I am not blaming anyone except for myself for being in this state of mind. Fantasy vs real life scenarios are clearly two very different situations. One must be able to separate the two. Where is this leading you may ask? Well I will do my best to explain.

Sir and I have been together for 43 years and will be married 40 years this August. One would certainly think the lines of communication are wide open by now but not so much so where TTWD is concerned. Heck up until 2011, I didn't even know such a thing existed. Sir and I have always had some type of "spanking thing" going on since even prior to us being married. He spanked for his reasons and I just accepted it as this is the way things are although secretly inside I was so turned on by his dominance. Of course dominance is fine when it is convenient and when it is not, holy cow look out, this lady gets sassy and feisty and downright difficult to be around. And so many years went by with my behavior being out of control and certainly not pleasing for Sir. I knew what his expectations were but I continued to push the boundaries until he spanked. Then I got what I wanted or so I thought. Spanking without clear communication is just that.. spanking. For a person such as myself who thinks everything through, I have at times been confused. Why am I so turned on by this and if so,why do I keep pushing boundaries that makes my Sir not happy with me? Enter in.... internet googling. Boy did that land me in a mess with reading so much information that I thought I had hit the jack pot of all times. At last.... because the topic of spanking is actually on the internet and it was labeled as domestic discipline it must be truly an ok thing for people to pursue right? Ummmm not necessarily.

Thank goodness for friendships made here in blog land. If I had not been extended the friendship of one of our bloggers, things would definitely have taken a downward turn for me. This individual has been a life saver in more than one instance. She has helped me to understand that what I crave and need is not necessarily abnormal and that there are actually some good benefits to this lifestyle. She has allowed me to be me so I could ask those difficult questions that under any other circumstances would be so embarrassing to discuss. She is honest and open, she calls things as she see's them, and offers guidance in a way that allows me to continue to explore this journey I am on and find the answers and solutions to the issues that are challenging for me.

This week's lesson for me is... Communication. You see while Sir and I have been doing TTWD for many years now, have we actually sat down and had "the talk" about  what this lifestyle means to each one of us? No. No we have not. Sir, is not much of a talker where as I want to analyze and talk things over in great length so there is no misunderstanding. And so as the quote above states, we are in the same relationship, but I believe we most often see TTWD from very different perspectives hence my state of confusion. I won't really know that for sure unless... we have "the talk" So in the next few days ahead, I am doing my best to make some notes about why I really want this lifestyle for us, and not just the gg spankings we all love, or the increased connection that ramps up the sex life at this point, but because there is actually some meaning and purpose behind TTWD. I need to know he has me, he has us and that I have boundaries and consequences.  This is going to be difficult and I am truly petrified at trying to explain myself so that I do not sound needy about this part of our relationship.  I don't want this to appear as though it is a game or a passing moment in time. I truly believe I am ready to let go of my power and follow his leadership.

So this week, I am taking a step back, reflecting, and checking to see if we are in fact able to move forward in the right direction with  Accountability, Consequences, Love and Understanding . Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and I am hopeful this time next week, I will have some positive news to share with regards to how our communication time went.