You have questions?

Ok. As usual, I am a bit late coming in with what is going on here in Blog land. I understand that March is set aside for Questions that you might have. I am happy to address any questions that you might have as long as they are thoughtful and respectful. So go ahead my blog land friends.... ask away and I will do my best to respond back in a timely manner with my answers.

Moving Ahead........ 50 Shades of Grey......My Sir.......

So we continue to move forward. Maybe more accurately, I am moving ahead. Our week started out well. I took a day off  work to catch up on some much needed rest. We awoke on Monday, and I asked hubby if he wanted to go watch a movie. He immediately said... You want to go watch 50 shades of Grey right? What a great HOH. He knows me well. I said I would love to go. And so our afternoon began.

We spent the afternoon watching the long anticipated movie. I had read all three books nearly 2 years ago, but found myself being able to anticipate just exactly what was going to be said between Mr. Grey and Anastasia through the entire film. Oddly, even hubby seemed to be able to anticipate what was going to be said or even what Mr..Grey was going to do next and he had not read the books. This made for interesting dialogue between the two of us during and after the movie.                                                                      
As far as movies go, I personally enjoyed this one, even though it was mildly portrayed and nothing about it was shocking to me. I just enjoyed it for what it was and for the feelings that it allowed me to have without guilt. While we follow a TTWD/dd lifestyle and very little BDSM style, just watching this movie and catching the phrases that Mr. Grey uses that are similar to what my sir says... makes for a very "hot" experience.                  

I really love it when I hear the saying.. "You are mine" We have been married nearly 39 years, I have a marriage certificate and a ring that seals our commitment to one another, but hearing these words holds a very deep and personal connection between the two of us. Every time I hear this, it reminds me that I need to give all of myself at all times mentally, physically and emotionally. It also tells me that if I choose not to do so,I am shorting myself and sir of the deepest connections.                                                                                            

My sir is the perfect gentleman in all locations. He doesn't hesitate to let me know in public when I am approaching or have gone over the line and that there will be consequences. I would say he is the Master even outside of the bedroom.... and I find this so very hot. And so one could say that I found myself reconnecting to what I desire deep down and I know that Sir has absolutely no problems in delivering what is needed in any circumstances. The heck with what anyone else thinks. I mean really... no one even knows TTWD. We ended our day with a delicious homemade dinner by my Sir, and headed upstairs for some much needed connection. Sir made it very clear what he expected and wanted and had no problems with making sure that I was compliant. I was able to just go with the flow and not question my feelings or his motives. How contented and loved and cherished I felt.

Another post will follow to report on a health related issue that I am dealing with. It has already caused some issues for me and I am currently undergoing some testing as well as have been placed on a heavy regiment of medications. Now you should know, while I am in the medical field, I am not the world's greatest patient and can often be non-compliant. So this morning while getting ready to come into work with hubby... I took out my meds. He watched me take them and he quietly said...
if you do not take your meds just exactly as you have been told, I am going to take my bath brush and spank your bottom in the shower. You do realize having a wet bottom will make that hurt much more right? Now how the heck does he know that? Hummm.....
                                                                 

So.. for those of you who like visuals... Here is the picture of the bath brush that is hanging in our shower. I can tell you when he said this.... I got his message loud and clear. Now, I just need to remember to follow through or I will find myself face to face with this item and most likely a very sore bottom.
                                                                 

So while I do not have a Mr Grey...... I have someone so much better... I have a Sir that loves me and will do anything for me... He is my hot and sexy HOH!!!!!!!!!

Mood Swings, Head games=Uncertainty

Hey there all... so I had great intentions of being able to blog on a regular basis this year and then...well life just got in the way and before you know it.. here we are nearly at Valentine's Day.

Throw in some sickness, heavy work schedules, a son being at home and... Mood swings and this is just not a good mix all the way around.   

I am feeling much better, but after 4 rounds of strep in a month, it looks like this gal may be headed for getting my tonsils out this year at my age! No final decision yet but not many other options for me as this is a repetitive issue every winter. Work.. well work is work. Just about the time I get a handle on things, more challenges are thrown my way that keep me jumping through hoops just to keep it all together. Add our own personal business into the mix, which I am pleased to say is doing very well, it just requires me to spend any spare time I have in the evenings and the weekend to help out and that just leaves little time for myself. And to top all of this off... I am really being challenged with significant mood swings that are hard to handle. I have been prone all my life to on again off again depression and anxiety issues. These have been well managed in the past with use of medications when things have been rough. Oddly enough, TTWD/dd helps me with both of these issues that is..

when I allow it to. 

So... this is what my brain has been going through over the past several weeks. Not really sure what brought on this mixture of emotions, but I can say that it is quite unsettling and has led to some sleepless nights. Trying to talk it over with hubby is somewhat helpful, but not always. He is a pretty straight forward thinker and calls things as he see's them and once things are discussed he moves along. For me.. it is much different. I look at everything from many angles and all the what if's, how comes, and what for's.

 
And so.. I am going through a period of uncertainty. As convinced as I was 2+ year's ago that I wanted TTWD/dd and the benefits that come with it, and I am fortunate in that my hubby is really a good HOH and inherently knows what I need in all circumstances even if it is not always apparent to me in the moment, it becomes very evident to me after the fact. So what's the problem you ask?
I truly think it is the age old issue that some of you might have faced on occasion on this journey. What is it exactly about TTWD/dd that I am so attracted to and why? Why me? Why do I have to have this lifestyle? Ok... let me stop beating around the bush here.. let me honest... why am I fascinated with spanking in general?, why does it work for me? Why am I so turned on by being held accountable? What the heck makes this so important to me that when I don't have this.. I truly do not function well, and when I do.. I really am a different person. I mean could it be a genetic thing... what sets me apart and at what time period in my life did this become something that I could identify with?

Yes I know.. a lot of why's. I think the bottom line here... no pun intended... I am truly conflicted why I am ok with having hubby spank the daylights out of my bottom regardless of the reasons. I think when I came across TTWD/dd it dawned on me there was at least a name I could connect with "spanking." Yes.. I do know that TTWD/dd is not ALL about spanking, in fact truly little at all in some circumstances. And yet...as I explored this lifestyle.. I wanted it. To be truthful.. I was using it to hide the fact that I needed to be "spanked" for so many reasons. Now though, I honestly see what this lifestyle has to offer and as has been true for many of you, there certainly has been many up's and down's as we determined what would work best for us, in other words.. what does this lifestyle look like for us? We have come a long way since that one day in July nearly two years ago, when I stumbled across an internet site. I most certainly am better off. "we" as a couple are closer and stronger, I certainly am no worse for the wear.. well except the wear and tear on my bottom for failure to listen and follow through. So what is the problem here? It comes down to me. I am struggling to accept my need for this lifestyle. Society frowns upon behaviors out of the norm. Is this lifestyle really out of  the norm or is it just a person's perspective? Does this make me some kind of "freak?" What does having this deep longing and desire really say about me? Yes.. I know. Some very deep thinking here. So while this subject has taken up a lot of "blogging room," would you be interested to know what hubby simply said?"Stop. Stop thinking about all of this and just go with your feelings." Yes.. in 13 words he summed it all up. He has absolutely no issues with this lifestyle. And I , who brought him the information am struggling for peace of mind and simple acceptance.

So in years past, we struggled along. Our marriage of nearly 40 years now has had it's up's and down's even though some form of TTWD/dd was in play. I took no specific steps to make any changes to the problems "I had" or "we had" together. And nothing changed. We were just two people going through life as best as we could not knowing how much more better it could be. Then.. on one of those hot summer days as I explored the internet... TTWD/dd came to me and I was hooked. And now a lot has changed. We have gone through some of the most difficult times in our lives these past two years. I often wonder if we were not doing some type of TTWD/dd would we have survived? I am as much in love with my sir as I have always been. The difference is that it is a much deeper and stronger love and one that I am truly blessed to have.

 I guess then.. there is my answer to this lifestyle. Quit fighting it and be ok with what is working for me regardless of what other's would think if they knew my little secret. Now.. just tell my brain that and turn off the negative thoughts. And yes.. hubby has a plan to fix that problem as well. Want to know what his simple plan is?                            

 

Yep... he says he knows just exactly how to clear my head... He can deliver a message to my bottom that will remove all negative messages from my brain. He figures I will give up and give in long before his arm wears out!!! Yes.. I have a sir with a great sense of humor.

And... All is right again in my world. 

New Year, Sick and.... Your grounded.

 Ok. New Year, post holidays, body says "I have had enough"
Sickness catches up with me after the many long hours of work I have been putting in.
We were caught in quite a nasty bitterly cold snowstorm this past week
all as we were returning to work after the Holiday season. I awoke this past Monday feeling bummed out about having to return to work. Some of this is normal once you have enjoyed a few days off. I just was feeling so exhausted. But off I went, worked very hard getting things in order to start off the New Year. As the day progressed, I felt my fatigue growing along with my irritability. Due to the snowstorm and at husbands directive, that I call it a day, I shut things down around 4:30p which is early for me and struggled to make the difficult drive home.
Once there, I got into my jammies, into my recliner with my snuggle heated throw. Hubby heated up left overs, we watch some of our favorite shows and headed to bed at 9pm. Not before I decided to rant and rave about the state of the house and anything else that came to my mind. He pulled me over his lap while in his recliner and gave me a few good firm smacks to my bottom and told me to go to bed. He was just making a point, but I was tearful. Up to bed I went and fell quickly fast asleep.
I could feel myself getting fidgety under the covers during the night. First I was hot,then I was cold, I was tossing and turning feeling achy. I awoke at 3AM with a headache. And then..... the god awful sore throat was noted. When I swallowed it felt like I had swallowed glass. It was so excruciatingly painful. I got up and went to the bathroom and took some meds. I could barely swallow them down.
I came back to bed and just groaned as I got back under the covers. Hubby asked if I was ok. I said no and started to tear up. I am so sick. Strep throat you think? he asks. Gosh I hope not I said. I drifted off into a fitful sleep as he rubbed my back. The next morning I awoke and knew I would not be making it into work.

Yep, this is probably the nice version of how I looked. Truth is I look quite pathetic when I am sick.
Checked my temp, 101!!. My head hurt and I had a dry hacking cough and I could barely swallow.
Hubby brought me some juice and more meds, tucked me in and told me to stay in bed and sleep. No arguments there. I felt like I was dying. This day rolled into the next day and I was just as sick as I was the day before. We had a raging snowstorm and there was no way I was getting out of bed and going to the Dr. Fortunately, this is what I do so I had the connection to call in and plead my case.
I stated I was 99% certain I had strep throat. Even at my age, I still manage to successfully get this at least once a year and I certainly had all the sx'es. I was encouraged to be checked for flu since it is rampant right now, but I did receive the flu shot and just wasn't convinced this is what I had. Antibiotics were called in along with something for cough with the promise of if I was not seeing any improvement in 24 hours I would come in to be seen. I texted husband and asked him to pick up my meds on his way home from work. This would not be until 10 pm but it kept me from going out in the bad weather. Back to sleep I went. He awoke me when he got home and held up my drink. It was the same one he had made at 7AM. I maybe had sipped once or twice. Not enough to stay hydrated. He was not happy. He prepared all my meds which involved cutting the giant pills into sections so I could get them down. Cough liquid followed. Eewwww. Next came throat lozenges and the infamous Vicks Vapo rub. Truth is.. I was too sick to argue about any of this routine. Day 3 arrives.

I am very fortunate that when I am sick.. Husband does all he can to insure that I do as I am expected in terms of rest, fluids, he cooks whatever I feel I can tolerate and eat. He helps me shower and get clean nightclothes on so I will feel a bit better. He is my knight in shining armor. Day 4 arrives.

Still feeling sick but meds are starting to take affect and all things considering... I am doing better. I stated that I thought I would go into work on Friday just for awhile. I had missed so much even though I had been following emails from home. I needed to clear things out you know and get ready for next week. Husband simply stated.. "you are not going anywhere" You may be starting to feel better but I can tell you are still not well. You don't know how to say no, your intention is good but I know if I let you go you will put in a 12 hour day and just be back at square one. You are to remain in bed... understood?

The next thing he said.... You are grounded until further notice. I will decide when you are able to return to work. Really? I thought about this long and hard.

 Reluctantly I agreed. Ended up sleeping most of the day away.Later that night for some reason, I started to struggle with this directive. Come on. I mean shouldn't I know when I am feeling better and can return to work? I spent from 12 midnight to 3AM tossing and turning. Maybe I could go in and he would not know. After all he would be gone all day and it would be very late before he got home.

 This silly little game played out in my head. The more I thought about it the more disappointed I became in myself. I was being deceitful and dishonest in plotting to go against his instructions regardless of how I felt. One week ago, didn't I just post that I would make the commitment to follow his leadership and already I was plotting a way to go around his instructions. Exhausted, I fell into a fitful sleep.

Day 5- Saturday
I get up, finally dress, put a bit of makeup on. Husband asks what I am doing. I said I thought I would go to work since no one is there and get a bit of work done. If looks could say it all... his did for sure. He pointed back to the bedroom. He asks do I need a reminder of what is expected? After all, if I am feeling that much better then apparently I am not so sick that my bottom could not be spanked.
Oh my goodness. He is not playing around. He goes on to say this is where you are allowed to spend your day.

Yes dear friends... This is my exact recliner. This is where I was told I could stay for the day. I could work on my laptop, but I was not to vacuum the house, do the laundry, take out the trash, not to take the trash to the curb, not put away Christmas decorations. I was to continue to rest, take naps and nothing more. Did I understand? Yes... I understand. He helped me downstairs and got me all settled in. Juice, tissue, remote, phone, Ipad and laptop. Then.... he brings me my meds and stays to be sure I took them all. I did. He kissed the top of my head and one last reminder to follow his instructions and he was gone. Suddenly, I am very tired and have the strong need to go to sleep. And sleep I did. I slept nearly six hours here in this comfy recliner. When I awoke, I felt ok. And so.... truthfully without much thought, I got out the vacuum. I started to clean a bit.  I could feel myself getting very winded. I could only do one room at a time and then had to sit down and rest. I finally was able to get the house done and I put the vacuum away. As I sat in my recliner thinking this over, it occurred to me that while I had not really done anything wrong had I?, still I did disobey one of the things he was specific about. Did it really matter? Now what do I do? Do I tell him or just leave things alone? Darn it...why do I have to be so OCD anyway? I only hurt myself or did I? So now this Saturday night, I am pondering the right thing to do. There are no white lies in life. A lie is a lie. Not really sure what he would say or do if I do tell him. Then again, honesty is of paramount importance. I think I know in my heart what I will need to do. Have any of you put yourself into a similar position? What was the decision that you finally came to?

Resolutions or Commitments....

Happy New Year 2015 to Everyone.
With a New Year comes the opportunity to make changes that will
improve one's relationships and lifestyles.

Every year we all hear the question..... What is your New Year's Resolution going to be? Every year.. I am unable to come up with a suitable resolution that I know I will be able to keep the entire year and so... I just don't make them anymore.

This year however, the word "commitment" kept popping into my head. And so for this year instead of trying to come up with a resolution that I know I won't keep, I am going to say for the record that I am going to be committed to learning to follow my husband's leadership. Yes I know, we always say we will do this and sometimes we do and sometimes we do not. The definition of "commitment" is:
being in the state of being dedicated to a cause, belief, or activity. There is also the understanding of responsibility, or duty.

My lesson for today..... To be committed, is a conscious decision that one must make in all instances whether you agree or do not agree. It is the willingness from the heart to give of yourself even when you don't want to, don't feel like it, or just plain disagree with what is being asked or required. This lesson can be learned the easy way.... or the hard way. When one chooses to do as they are asked,  things look just like this... quiet, peaceful and loving. 

When one chooses to be difficult, challenging,or disrespectful...... then one can expect consequences to occur such as.....

Now what I have a problem with is this....... I can talk the talk real well... in fact too well. Sadly, I have to admit that I do not walk the walk nearly as well as I should be doing at this point in our journey. Husband says.... "I have attitude" That makes me really angry. What does he mean by attitude exactly? 

                                                              

This is exactly what he means....... While I can think I am talking the part, my attitude and behavior that he see's or feels,  tells him the exact opposite. I am fooling no one, least of all my sir. This is a bitter pill to swallow. One has to first take ownership of their actions before they are able to make the necessary corrections. So..... my commitment this year to myself and to "us" is to stop the childish games I can play when things are not going my way... and commit to doing things the proper way both with my mind and with my heart. And when I find myself here.....

I will have no one to blame but myself. I can submit and accept the consequences and learn my lesson or we can continue to have disharmony and dis function within our relationship. The stakes are higher this year. "We" or "I" have had a year to work on this process and determine what is wanted from this lifestyle. For me... it is accountability. It is knowing my boundaries, accepting consequences. But most importantly it is becoming the wife that my sir deserves. 

So our relationship this year will center around these 3 "C's". So.... communication we know is "key."

Commitment is essential. Compromise is what will also be needed from time to time, but what I will be working on... is accepting sir's final decisions with an attitude that matches my responses.

So with these thoughts, I will close for now. I have my work cut out for me this year. This is not a resolution that I will make and fail at. It is a commitment to myself and to sir so that this time next year... we can both look back and see how far we have come. My sir is a man of his word. I will be the lady he expects and wants from me. 

Stormy times, tough lessons, and many reasons to be thankful......

So friends, it truly has been 2 months since I last posted. In those weeks we faced stormy times, & tough lessons but came through with so many reasons to be thankful. Actually I have started and stopped many times to offer a post in order to document my journey. Things just kept changing so quickly that I simply did not have time and needed to focus all of my energy on just getting through our situation.

"Sometimes it is so hard to see the forest through the trees"

And so as the saying goes, many times on our journey, it was very hard to see where we were headed or to know what was going to happen. For me, this was unusually hard as I am the type of person who has to have a clear cut plan in order to have control over what will happen. In our situation, this was impossible. Not having control leads to well.... total frustration, anxiety, moodiness, anger, and yes you guessed it... total disruptive behavior.                                                                                         

I am happy to share that we did come through our "storm" and survived the hard times and can see the sunshine once again. As always, God knows the plans that he has in store for us and will not bring you to something if he is not going to see you through the situation.The question is: Do you trust and believe that this is possible? Now that we have passed through the hard times, I can tell you that I so appreciate the good times we are enjoying now. There were times of heartache, there were times of tears, there were times of fears and there were times of anger. None of the above feelings changed anything. Sometimes you don't know what you have until you no longer have it. Sometimes you have to be at your lowest point looking up before you can see the answers. Sometimes you have to accept what is before you, in order to move ahead. We at least... had each other. United we stand, divided you will fall. This was a test of our marriage at it's most difficult time. TTWD/DD definitely played a role in the survival of our marriage as we went through this trial. It is odd when I think back on things. We started this lifestyle nearly a year ago now, and had no idea as to the importance this would play in the months ahead.

                            Truth is.... there was a lot of this.................................

Then there were "the looks" & times I should have listened...... 

but instead crossed right over the line and found........

When you find yourself at this end point..... with no other place to go, the next stop is...........

Yes.... right over Sir's lap for a often painful yet meaningful discussion.

If your not seeing eye to eye before this, you will definitely be seeing eye to eye after this.

Need I really say more here?

Yes... I have finally learned that when I choose to obey without question, & let Sir lead, then the pressures and worries are for him to carry, I can then follow and rest easy in his decisions. 

Let's not forget the special friend that is always present, always supportive when you feel there is no one that understands. This is a gift which is not measurable. For this friend.... I am eternally grateful.



And so here we are. We are enjoying the sunshine after the storm. For those of you following my journey, we did not have to sell our business. We did not have to sell our home. In fact we were blessed so abundantly that it exceedingly surpassed our expectations.We instead were blessed with the inheritance of Sir's fathers estate, which allowed us to pay off in full all of our debts, our business and our home. We finally can rest easy and rejoice in this true blessing that has been provided. As for Sir and I, we have grown together in our relationship. It has not been easy, it has been challenging, but I do know this.....I will follow my Sir anywhere that he leads........he is my forever love.

Tired.......

Tired.....

This captures it all for me right now. I am not trying to be a "downer" but I have hit the brick wall of all times. I am so tired, that I don't know if I am coming or if I am going. I am truly incapable of making the many decisions I need/have to make each day and yet I keep placing one foot in front of the other and put on my happy smile, do what needs to be done, make the decisions that I make every day both personal and professionally.

For all of my friends here in blog land, believe me when I say that it is not that I do not care about any of you, it's just that at this moment in time, I have nothing else left to give or even words of value for any of you. I am emotionally and physically drained. I can barely manage to handle myself and my own world much less anything else. I do want to say, that I continue to faithfully follow blogs, and in many instances they have lifted me up, provided a smile to my heart, and much needed laughter when I have needed it. My point? While I have not always responded, all of you are there when I have needed you to be even if you are unaware that you have met a need or my need specifically. For this... I am blessed, I am thankful. I hope to repay this forward in the future.

Hubby and I made a life changing decision back in June, to sell our home and our business for reasons that are really out of our control. It was a painful decision as this is not what we expected at this stage in our lives. As the course of life would have it, even that decision is not going the way in which we would have expected. We wonder if God is watching over us and keeping us from making the wrong decision even though we both are convinced we are right.

The issue? Most of you know I am a very black and white thinker, very little gray in between. I am also a very emotional thinker. I am very OCD in all phases of my life. You can than only imagine the turmoil I am faced with each and every day not knowing what the outcome will be. This is a challenge for me and for hubby. This is where TTWD/DD is coming into play. Oh sure, there have been some "spats" between us, and while I can be difficult, I am reminded of the need to remain respectful in my conversation even when I do not agree or am frustrated. The lines of communication are open between us, Most times we are able to converse like grown adults. Other times...This is what occurs.

Hubby has his HOH hat on quite tightly these days. He is not hesitating to send me a message when my stubbornness and pride get in the way of "hearing" what he is trying to say and what I need to be learning. Timing in this is everything. He is not letting anything slide. Mostly he is keeping me from sinking down into a deep dark hole forcing me to communicate with him like the grown adult I am suppose to be. If I choose not to..he gives me a opportunity, then gives me a warning, and if I continue on... well then I find myself over his lap for a different kind of discussion which always seems to bring his point right home. He is loving and caring always, sometimes no words are exchanged and yet his message is always there. He will break down the walls of my defenses, he reassures me we will get though these tough times. I am drawn to his protectiveness, his dominance, his love. In times like this, I refocus on "us" and what is really important regardless of any other issues.

And while everyone says I am strong, I don't see myself this way. I need hubby to take my hand and tell me everything will be ok. In that moment it is. What I need to remember is to trust in his leadership, continue to follow, and accept what eventually happens. I trust him with my life,with our relationship. He always puts my needs first, and while I don't always see things in the moment, I can say he has never led me astray. I am blessed to have been provided a strong leader and I am truly thankful for all that he does to insure my safety, my needs and that he is always there to protect me.

Right now, while my life and my heart feels fragile, I feel I have little else to give him in return for all that he is and all that he means to me... Submission is something that I can freely give, It is a conscious decision that is made in everything that I do, small or large. It is something that I am finally grasping. While my heart feels as fragile as the rose above, it is my heart softly opening and accepting all that he has to give me. It is me... despite all difficulties... wanting to give the love of my life my all. It is what he deserves, it is all that I have to give in this moment to my sir.