Mood Swings, Head games=Uncertainty

Hey there all... so I had great intentions of being able to blog on a regular basis this year and then...well life just got in the way and before you know it.. here we are nearly at Valentine's Day.

Throw in some sickness, heavy work schedules, a son being at home and... Mood swings and this is just not a good mix all the way around.   

I am feeling much better, but after 4 rounds of strep in a month, it looks like this gal may be headed for getting my tonsils out this year at my age! No final decision yet but not many other options for me as this is a repetitive issue every winter. Work.. well work is work. Just about the time I get a handle on things, more challenges are thrown my way that keep me jumping through hoops just to keep it all together. Add our own personal business into the mix, which I am pleased to say is doing very well, it just requires me to spend any spare time I have in the evenings and the weekend to help out and that just leaves little time for myself. And to top all of this off... I am really being challenged with significant mood swings that are hard to handle. I have been prone all my life to on again off again depression and anxiety issues. These have been well managed in the past with use of medications when things have been rough. Oddly enough, TTWD/dd helps me with both of these issues that is..

when I allow it to. 

So... this is what my brain has been going through over the past several weeks. Not really sure what brought on this mixture of emotions, but I can say that it is quite unsettling and has led to some sleepless nights. Trying to talk it over with hubby is somewhat helpful, but not always. He is a pretty straight forward thinker and calls things as he see's them and once things are discussed he moves along. For me.. it is much different. I look at everything from many angles and all the what if's, how comes, and what for's.

 
And so.. I am going through a period of uncertainty. As convinced as I was 2+ year's ago that I wanted TTWD/dd and the benefits that come with it, and I am fortunate in that my hubby is really a good HOH and inherently knows what I need in all circumstances even if it is not always apparent to me in the moment, it becomes very evident to me after the fact. So what's the problem you ask?
I truly think it is the age old issue that some of you might have faced on occasion on this journey. What is it exactly about TTWD/dd that I am so attracted to and why? Why me? Why do I have to have this lifestyle? Ok... let me stop beating around the bush here.. let me honest... why am I fascinated with spanking in general?, why does it work for me? Why am I so turned on by being held accountable? What the heck makes this so important to me that when I don't have this.. I truly do not function well, and when I do.. I really am a different person. I mean could it be a genetic thing... what sets me apart and at what time period in my life did this become something that I could identify with?

Yes I know.. a lot of why's. I think the bottom line here... no pun intended... I am truly conflicted why I am ok with having hubby spank the daylights out of my bottom regardless of the reasons. I think when I came across TTWD/dd it dawned on me there was at least a name I could connect with "spanking." Yes.. I do know that TTWD/dd is not ALL about spanking, in fact truly little at all in some circumstances. And yet...as I explored this lifestyle.. I wanted it. To be truthful.. I was using it to hide the fact that I needed to be "spanked" for so many reasons. Now though, I honestly see what this lifestyle has to offer and as has been true for many of you, there certainly has been many up's and down's as we determined what would work best for us, in other words.. what does this lifestyle look like for us? We have come a long way since that one day in July nearly two years ago, when I stumbled across an internet site. I most certainly am better off. "we" as a couple are closer and stronger, I certainly am no worse for the wear.. well except the wear and tear on my bottom for failure to listen and follow through. So what is the problem here? It comes down to me. I am struggling to accept my need for this lifestyle. Society frowns upon behaviors out of the norm. Is this lifestyle really out of  the norm or is it just a person's perspective? Does this make me some kind of "freak?" What does having this deep longing and desire really say about me? Yes.. I know. Some very deep thinking here. So while this subject has taken up a lot of "blogging room," would you be interested to know what hubby simply said?"Stop. Stop thinking about all of this and just go with your feelings." Yes.. in 13 words he summed it all up. He has absolutely no issues with this lifestyle. And I , who brought him the information am struggling for peace of mind and simple acceptance.

So in years past, we struggled along. Our marriage of nearly 40 years now has had it's up's and down's even though some form of TTWD/dd was in play. I took no specific steps to make any changes to the problems "I had" or "we had" together. And nothing changed. We were just two people going through life as best as we could not knowing how much more better it could be. Then.. on one of those hot summer days as I explored the internet... TTWD/dd came to me and I was hooked. And now a lot has changed. We have gone through some of the most difficult times in our lives these past two years. I often wonder if we were not doing some type of TTWD/dd would we have survived? I am as much in love with my sir as I have always been. The difference is that it is a much deeper and stronger love and one that I am truly blessed to have.

 I guess then.. there is my answer to this lifestyle. Quit fighting it and be ok with what is working for me regardless of what other's would think if they knew my little secret. Now.. just tell my brain that and turn off the negative thoughts. And yes.. hubby has a plan to fix that problem as well. Want to know what his simple plan is?                            

 

Yep... he says he knows just exactly how to clear my head... He can deliver a message to my bottom that will remove all negative messages from my brain. He figures I will give up and give in long before his arm wears out!!! Yes.. I have a sir with a great sense of humor.

And... All is right again in my world.