What a difference a year can make......

 Just about this time last year, my life was in turmoil. I was exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, on overload, angry, moody, tearful. Enter Sir. He was well aware of all of the issues I was facing , and ever so patiently listened to my many concerns. He dried many tears away. He stood by me as I struggled to determine what actions I needed to take. I am certain, he too, was tired of the constant turmoil in our home, my being present but yet not present in real time. One day, Sir had apparently had just about enough and sent me a simple text message that said: " we are taking a different direction." "Tell them you will be retiring effective the end of the year, and do it today, understood?"

And with that simple statement, my whole life was about to change in ways that I was not expecting.
I was stunned, then I was in disbelief as his words sunk in. He was providing me a way out of a very difficult situation and made the tough decision that I was struggling to make. What would this mean for us? So many questions, self doubts swirled around in my head. Suddenly his words came back to me from his text... "do it  today" And so I shut my office door, put on some quiet music and typed out my letter of resignation and hit the send button before I could give another thought. While I had  so many things yet to  do for the evening, I simply got up, turned everything off and went home. I had a couple of hours before Sir would be home. I sat on our bed in total silence. I had just resigned my position. The tears just filled my eyes and I sobbed. Finally I pulled myself together, took a hot shower and got into bed. I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, Sir was at the bedside and the first question he asked was.. did you resign your position today? I simply nodded my head yes. Good girl. Go to sleep and get some rest. We will have plenty of time to address the details in the weeks ahead. That night I slept the entire night through, something I had not been able to do for several years. I awakened rested, and while somewhat apprehensive, I headed into work ready to address the many emails my letter of resignation would generate. I quickly became overwhelmed. What would I say, how would I address the many questions? I decided to keep it very simple...
"My husband and I have decided to take another direction." And that is exactly what I said hundreds of times over that day and in the months to follow.

Fast forward now to where we are. Retiring was not easy, but it was necessary. Many months later, people stop me and comment how rested I look, how happy I look, I am glowing apparently.
My health has improved tremendously. I have lost weight, my blood pressure is normal, I am sleeping well, I am eating better, I am not moody, tearful or worried in the same manner I was.
I am enjoying life as it should be. I am living in the present. It is a choice I have made.

Yesterday, I had several appointments I needed to keep, and Sir told me I could just take the day off from our business and I was to try to get some rest in as well. No household chores or working in the yard were to be done. I was to enjoy my day. It is already a beautiful fall season here in my neck of the woods. I noticed the blue sky, the fluffy white clouds, the brilliant sunshine, the crisp cool air and of course the beautiful fall foliage. I went about my errands, tended to my apts. Treated myself to a light breakfast and later in the afternoon to an ice cream. I arrived home, and went about changing the linens on our bed when suddenly, I was overcome with emotions. I sat on our bed and tears silently fell. What was happening here? Sir came to my mind vividly. I could imagine the text message I had
received a year ago. I thought about all of the things that have transpired for us in the past year. I was overcome with gratitude. My Sir did not worry about the details of how our "taking a different direction" would look when he gave the directive.  In his infinite wisdom, while I am certain he did think through the financial ramifications, he still knew it was what would be best for me, and for us.
I quickly picked up my phone and sent him a simple text message.  I thanked Sir for all of his hard work in providing for our every need, how much he was appreciated and how much I loved him for taking care of me. I sat there for awhile and just felt my emotions as they were.

Now I wouldn't want any of you to think that things have just been "perfect" here. We all know I am not the perfect little angel, we all know that I am stubborn, prideful, strong-willed and have even been known to go explicitly against Sir's wishes. And for that.....

Yep, my arts and craft project from last year has been and is still being used even though Sir broke it across my rear end months ago now. We laugh now thinking back, I wasn't laughing then I can assure you. And while we both are on the mend now from our injuries of the summer, this implement while broken still stands in the corner of our bedroom and serves as a reminder that it can and will be used as Sir see's fit.

And while I often "buck" the rules, and find myself over Sir's lap, the fact is I feel secure in  knowing the boundaries and whether in agreement or not, that Sir will not hesitate to enforce his expectations and help me get back to a better place of clear understanding of  those expectations.

Learning to work with Sir is a whole different post, but let's just say that having a TTWD lifestyle has been instrumental in keeping boundaries and expectations in place as we go through the process.

We have been faced with challenges for sure over the summer and TTWD took a back seat for awhile and we are slowly finding our way back. Well ok.. Sir is back... I am coming back with my feet dragging a bit. I mean after all, going for several months without being spanked or spanked in the manner that one has become accustomed to, leaves one's bottom feeling very tender at the slightest touch....Sir is mindful of my injury as well, and is using caution, but then proceeds to move forward

and assures me my bottom will once again become well accustomed to his touch or his implements...

What can be said here really? I am grateful for Sir, his wisdom, his guidance, his love. I am grateful that one year ago, I did not hesitate to follow through with his directive.

Challenged....

It's been awhile I know. What a difference a month can make. Sir is nearly back to his normal self following the difficult injury he had early summer. It is me, that has been off balance. I can't quite put my finger on the situation except to say that I often am feeling lost and confused. I have decided that
we are being faced with challenges regarding our TTWD journey. That is scary in and of itself.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we are changing directions, just that it doesn't feel like it has in the past.

 I would say this is me at present. I kind of  feel like I have dropped down into a dark hole and am struggling to find my way back up and into normalcy whatever that might mean. While Sir is trying to move us ahead, I am reluctant to follow his lead and it is not clear to me as to why.

 I came across this saying today , and I feel it does sum up exactly how I feel at the present time about TTWD. Before we were both injured this summer, we were humming along just fine and then....Bam!!! We were blindsided and our lifestyle as we have always known it, came to a stand still as we struggled through the healing process for us both. Oh there have been on going statements made by Sir through out this time has shown me that he very much was doing his best to stay in the leadership role, but for me I could feel myself slipping further away and definitely not leaning in to his way of thinking. I was not being difficult, I was not even being a brat, I just felt closed off.
Now it is not anyone's fault that we both sustained injuries that would take time to heal, but yet I felt resentful that we were placed in a position that we could not do TTWD as we normally have and that really made me upset. I mean now, we are able to spend all of our time together and we should just be growing by leaps and bounds right? Wrong. I am reluctant but why? I don't have the answer at the moment.

 I am a planner by nature. I wish there had been some warning that we were about to go through some very challenging times that would most likely change the course of how we were going about our daily lives. Some times it seems to me that when I look back over the past several months, that just maybe how we have been going about TTWD really isn't how it should be done.  I mean without the foundation being present, you can not continually grow. What I mean here is that we are old school people. Married for 40 years and from our dating years moving forward, always some form of spanking has been involved which in most instances took care of many situations. What's missing here is the many conversations we probably should have had along the way, and for whatever the reason we simply didn't. We just evolved with time. Is this right or is this wrong, I am not sure.
I think if we have had  better communication through out our lifetime, perhaps this episode of needing to place TTWD on the back  burner might not have been so difficult or challenging. Now we find ourselves off the beaten path so to speak, and as for me, struggling to find my way back to where we were. Sir is definitely trying, it is me that is failing in the process by not leaning in. What am I afraid of here exactly? I can not answer that question either at present. Perhaps things will not be the same? Yes.. I think that is my worst fear oddly enough.

And so.... I need to place my pride aside and ask Sir for his help in getting us back on track with whatever measures he deems necessary. Problem? Yes. I HATE to ask for anyone's help. I HATE to admit to failing. I dread telling Sir that I am finding it difficult to follow his leadership and most importantly, I am saddened that I can not find it within myself to submit to his leadership. I am disappointed with myself. Sir has given me his all. I on the other hand can not find the strength to pull myself off the ground, dust myself off and begin once again.

In my search for pictures for this post, I did come across the above one, and it did make me laugh.

That little devilish side of me came out. It is so me whenever I do something that I already know Sir would not approve of. So I guess, there is hope that I will come around and we will find our way back into TTWD that will make sense for us both. I am open to any feedback from any of you Ladies who may have traveled down this road or experienced similar feelings. I am looking forward to returning

to some kind of normalcy. Wish us luck.