Confession

 I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter weekend with Family and friends or whatever you chose to do on this blessed holiday. I am not really sure what exactly happened in our neck of the woods but it wasn't good. I had been looking forward to attending Easter services which has been a rare event in past years with hubby's line of work. We had a great week leading up to Easter but sometime Saturday night hubby said something to me that set me on fire. I mean I was angry and upset so much so that I just stopped talking to him. We went to bed late and I stewed about what had happened as I faced away from him in bed and he of course oblivious to how mad I really was, was already peacefully sleeping away. Sunday morning came and he awakened me early to attend the early morning service. I got up still not very communicative and showered and got ready. We arrived for Easter services on time.

I mean Easter is a day to celebrate Jesus's resurrection after enduring more pain and suffering than any other human being should ever have to endure. It is a time for us to reflect on what he did for us so that we would have everlasting life. I could not get my head or my heart to focus on this joyous
time of celebration. I went through the motions but that was about it. I was sad that I failed my God and that the reason was so stupid.. I was angry at something hubby said and I couldn't or wouldn't let it go. I couldn't find my joy in the day and I knew that my behavior was wrong and yet I was like a run away train on a track headed for trouble. Yes, I know, I should be ashamed. And while I prayed to God for his forgiveness, I still was not in any mood to take the steps to just put behind me my anger.

Then this happened. Late Sunday night, we both decided we were tired and went to bed early, only to be awakened with hubby being very, very sick. Now you should know he is rarely sick but when he is, he really is. He is not like most other men we read about. He is not a whiner, or a complainer. He just gets very quiet and just wants to sleep. Without all the graphic details,he had the worst GI bug I have ever seen and he had to humble himself to allow me to clean up after him several times over the past 48-72 hours. He kept apologizing and I kept saying don't worry, it happens and I can handle this. Let me take care of you. His stomach pain was increasing instead of decreasing to the point that I really felt like he might have something much more serious going on than a GI bug. He even missed work for 2 days and my son and I and our staff ran our business without him there. He never misses work either.

Sometime over the past several days, I realized that I simply stepped in to take care of him even though when we went to bed that Sunday night I was angry and still holding a grudge about something that was said. Then I realized that I could no longer even remember what he had said or done that had me so angry that I let it ruin my Easter and our day. Must not really have been that important if I couldn't remember the issue right? What I do know is the sicker he became the more worried I became. I felt lost and helpless. My mind started spinning. What if something bad is happening? What if something goes terribly wrong and I lose him.? Whatever had happened that made me so angry was not worth the time I spent distancing myself for a day, when at some point in time I might find myself without him for a lifetime.

And then it happened. My eyes started to fill with hot tears. I tried to hold them back. I was ashamed and embarrassed of my attitude and my thoughts over the past several days. Have I not learned anything from TTWD? Apparently not what I need to have learned. The more I thought about my behavior, the more my heart began to hurt. I cried for sometime. Hurt, frustrated and alone with my thoughts. I have a lot of work to do here ladies. I can say the things I want to do and see changes, but in the heat of the moment, I am unable to submit and follow his lead. I fail time and time again.

Then I thought about our vows spoken so many years ago. The ones to love each other in sickness and in health. Well I certainly love my man right now even during this illness. I have had to do a lot of unpleasant things  but have willingly done so because  I want him to feel better and be better. The above photo reminded me of a similar one I posted not long ago, about his expectations for me to be obedient to him because I willingly will do so from my heart. Many things we do come from our hearts and we have a choice whether we freely give of ourselves from our hearts.

I am pleased to share that hubby is finally on the road to recovery and more like himself today. So much so that he pulled out the paddle this morning and said... "too much time has passed and I am certain you are in need of this." Well....yes I am. Not now I said. You are still recovering and I want you well. Inside my heart and my mind... I was thinking. Yes, I not only need but deserve to be over your lap for the ugly thoughts I had earlier in the week, for distancing myself because  I was too angry to speak about the issue I was upset with so we could put it behind us. I let the ""problem" become my focus and not the person I am in love with. Yes ladies... I have a very long way to go yet
on this journey. For now, I am thankful that Sir is recovering, and that I still have a God that I know has forgiven me for my lack of joy on Easter Sunday. I hope that Sir and I will soon get back on the same page with each other and more importantly that this stubborn temper and pride of mine will soften with time and we can continue to move closer together.