Confusion ....

I am really puzzeled by my recent feelings and reactions to spankings in general. Yesterday    started out ok, I got my hair done at the suggestion of my husband. I so appreciated it given the fact finances are tight right now. Some other issues started to come in to play and for some reason, by the time I got home, I was getting quite sassy and pushy. We had to head  off to our work and I kept ranting and carrying on. Suddenly he said, do I need to pull over and spank you right here? It caught my attention, I was embarrassed. I said no sir. We kept going, I was silent. After a while I started in again expressing frustration about this and that.    Again, hubby said, when we get to our place I am going to spank you, apparently you need it. That's what I thought was going to hapen, but we were immediately busy taking care of business so nothing happened.

The day progressed and with each situation that came up, hubby and I began arguing more and more. I felt I needed to be heard and make my points and he felt he was to provide the direction and I was to simply follow. Well one thing kept leading to another, I kept pushing, he kept stating he was getting more upset. He told me to stop my arguing and my attitude. I  was getting ready to start our evening, was brushing my hair when hubby told me to come over to him. I approached him, he took the brush and gave me two good smacks to my bottom and advised me to straighten up. I said " I am guessing I am in trouble right?" He said yes you are, now get to work. We got through our night and headed home. I was deep in thought about how I had acted through the day. How I was sending mixed messages. Saying I wanted to learn obedience and submission, but couldn't even come close to meeting this expectation. My heart knew that if I deserved to be spanked today was that time. We all know that there are many spankings we enjoy for many reasons and that's ok. But tonight I was focused on receiving a spanking for my behavior. We were both tired, so I was ok with heading to bed and felt we would address this in the morning when we were fresh.

I kept waking during the night, thinking I so deserve to be spanked.I had been disrespectful and disobedient. I didn't want to be spanked for any reason other then for him to make his point so I would learn. I thought about the hairbrush from the other day, and while I knew I did not like that item, I sure remembered it hurt. I was going to ask him to spank using that. Yep, crazy I know, but spankings are suppose to hurt particularly when associated with correction right? So I struggled with how to ask him. Morning came, we snuggled for awhile, one thing led to another. My mind was elsewhere though. I finally said "can I ask you to do something for me?" He said sure, I am certain he didn't expect what I did next. I picked up the hairbrush off the nightstand and handed it to him. I was shaking, I took a deep breath and said " my behavior yesterday was not appropriate. I believe I should be punished for my actions" He looked at me and said your right. I told him for this to help me, he would need to tell me why he was spanking. He said " because you were sassy, arguemenative and you did not remember who is in charge here. He asked if I understood that, and I quietly said yes sir. I knew he was right, with those few simple words he reached my heart. He took the brush and had me go over his knee. Again the anxiety surfaced. I told him to keep his arm on my back and not let me move. He said ok. He proceeded to spank, it hurt, yet I knew he was being careful. I started squirming. He provided a few more spanks. I slid off his lap to my knees. I told him I was struggling.. he told me to come back over his lap, he would use his hand. I told him I needed it to count. Little did I know he had taken the horse whip off the door handle and he quickly delivered 5-6 good sound smacks to my backside.Again, I slid off his lap to my knees and was shaking. I cried. He remained quiet.I thought it had upset him to have me cry as this has not happened. I said simply I was sorry and I geuinely meant it.He said he knew I was.

I expressed my frustration with wanting this lifestyle so I could change, but when the time came to submit to being punished I was a whimp. Couldn't even take the punishment what was wrong with me anyway? He always gives me what I need. He said he understood.

He then asked " did you understand the message I just delivered with the whip?" Yes sir I did, I responded. He then said, it‘s not about which item is used, or even how many swats you can take. It is about taking what I give you, however I choose to deliver the spanking. What is important is that you learn something from the lesson. So once again, I am surprised at his wisdom with this situation.

This journey is challenging, sometimes frustrating and at times confusing. We will talk through this later today. I am still disappointed for not following his lead, disappointed with my lack of ability to submit to correction particularly when I have asked for it. I am fortunate to be married to someone so wise whom I feel most confident understands what I need and more importantly will "deliver" but on his terms. And so... my journey continues.