Confusion ....

I am really puzzeled by my recent feelings and reactions to spankings in general. Yesterday    started out ok, I got my hair done at the suggestion of my husband. I so appreciated it given the fact finances are tight right now. Some other issues started to come in to play and for some reason, by the time I got home, I was getting quite sassy and pushy. We had to head  off to our work and I kept ranting and carrying on. Suddenly he said, do I need to pull over and spank you right here? It caught my attention, I was embarrassed. I said no sir. We kept going, I was silent. After a while I started in again expressing frustration about this and that.    Again, hubby said, when we get to our place I am going to spank you, apparently you need it. That's what I thought was going to hapen, but we were immediately busy taking care of business so nothing happened.

The day progressed and with each situation that came up, hubby and I began arguing more and more. I felt I needed to be heard and make my points and he felt he was to provide the direction and I was to simply follow. Well one thing kept leading to another, I kept pushing, he kept stating he was getting more upset. He told me to stop my arguing and my attitude. I  was getting ready to start our evening, was brushing my hair when hubby told me to come over to him. I approached him, he took the brush and gave me two good smacks to my bottom and advised me to straighten up. I said " I am guessing I am in trouble right?" He said yes you are, now get to work. We got through our night and headed home. I was deep in thought about how I had acted through the day. How I was sending mixed messages. Saying I wanted to learn obedience and submission, but couldn't even come close to meeting this expectation. My heart knew that if I deserved to be spanked today was that time. We all know that there are many spankings we enjoy for many reasons and that's ok. But tonight I was focused on receiving a spanking for my behavior. We were both tired, so I was ok with heading to bed and felt we would address this in the morning when we were fresh.

I kept waking during the night, thinking I so deserve to be spanked.I had been disrespectful and disobedient. I didn't want to be spanked for any reason other then for him to make his point so I would learn. I thought about the hairbrush from the other day, and while I knew I did not like that item, I sure remembered it hurt. I was going to ask him to spank using that. Yep, crazy I know, but spankings are suppose to hurt particularly when associated with correction right? So I struggled with how to ask him. Morning came, we snuggled for awhile, one thing led to another. My mind was elsewhere though. I finally said "can I ask you to do something for me?" He said sure, I am certain he didn't expect what I did next. I picked up the hairbrush off the nightstand and handed it to him. I was shaking, I took a deep breath and said " my behavior yesterday was not appropriate. I believe I should be punished for my actions" He looked at me and said your right. I told him for this to help me, he would need to tell me why he was spanking. He said " because you were sassy, arguemenative and you did not remember who is in charge here. He asked if I understood that, and I quietly said yes sir. I knew he was right, with those few simple words he reached my heart. He took the brush and had me go over his knee. Again the anxiety surfaced. I told him to keep his arm on my back and not let me move. He said ok. He proceeded to spank, it hurt, yet I knew he was being careful. I started squirming. He provided a few more spanks. I slid off his lap to my knees. I told him I was struggling.. he told me to come back over his lap, he would use his hand. I told him I needed it to count. Little did I know he had taken the horse whip off the door handle and he quickly delivered 5-6 good sound smacks to my backside.Again, I slid off his lap to my knees and was shaking. I cried. He remained quiet.I thought it had upset him to have me cry as this has not happened. I said simply I was sorry and I geuinely meant it.He said he knew I was.

I expressed my frustration with wanting this lifestyle so I could change, but when the time came to submit to being punished I was a whimp. Couldn't even take the punishment what was wrong with me anyway? He always gives me what I need. He said he understood.

He then asked " did you understand the message I just delivered with the whip?" Yes sir I did, I responded. He then said, it‘s not about which item is used, or even how many swats you can take. It is about taking what I give you, however I choose to deliver the spanking. What is important is that you learn something from the lesson. So once again, I am surprised at his wisdom with this situation.

This journey is challenging, sometimes frustrating and at times confusing. We will talk through this later today. I am still disappointed for not following his lead, disappointed with my lack of ability to submit to correction particularly when I have asked for it. I am fortunate to be married to someone so wise whom I feel most confident understands what I need and more importantly will "deliver" but on his terms. And so... my journey continues.

Bottom meets wood!

I imagine some of you may or may not find this posting funny. Today is my "short" day at the office before we head out to our other job. I received a "text" from hubby mid morning letting me know he wanted to spank me right now. That was a "hot" message to receive in the middle of a busy morning. I worked to wrap things up in order to head home earlier than normal. Well.. life got in the way, I had to handle a crisis before I could get out, got that taken care of and headed home.

When I arrived home, I met hubby upstairs. I started yacking about this and that. He undid my jeans and pulled them down, next came the panties.. oh my once again. That immediately quiets and humbles me. I thought I was going to get a quick playful spanking and some afternoon delight. Suddenly, out of my peripheal vision I saw a bathbrush laying on the nightstand. My heart started to race and I could feel my anxiety rising even though I knew this was probably going to be just a playful session. Suddenly he pulled me over his knee and just as quickly I felt the first smack of that hairbrush on my backside and I nearly came out of my skin. Now I know for sure, he didn't put much heat behind that swing, but boy did it for sure feel like it. I did not stay put, I stood up and told him I didn't think I could handle that. He just looked at me all knowingly.. he put me over his lap again, and proceeded with several more smacks to my bottom. I could not stay still. Really?

So I know some of you are well accustomed to a paddle or the bath brush. Not sure how you do it. I am not opposed, just very surprised the "sting" that can come from those items. I would say that after experiencing just that small amount of discomfort, THAT would be the one  item I would not want to be punished with, on the other hand... It would only take one time wth one serious spanking and I know for sure I would never forget or disobey with whatever lesson I am to learn.

Question? How do you accept and stay in place when you know you are going to be spanked like that with an implement you absolutely do not like? I suppose the answer is.. you simply "submit" knowing that the spanking is going to hurt which is the exact point right? So the outcome of my mid-morning meeting was a short spanking with the strap which I can usually handle but even after a few swats with the hairbrush, my bottom was tender.... a little afternoon delight made that a little better and we were on our way.

Guess like I have to get used to some new implements.... I did enjoy the unexpected plans that hubby had for me. I need to learn to go with the flow a bit better. Wish me luck because I told him he could try using the bath brush again tonight. What?.... My way of submitting in accepting whatever he chooses.

MIA too long...

So I have been MIA for a bit. Not sure what is going on. Post holidays, life's issues, winter months. Just overwhelmed with "things" in general. I have continued to read with interest the various blogs I follow. I have been encouraged to read that others of you feel the same way that I have.

Cole with "Marriage Redefined " put things so well with yesterday's post regarding her perception of "floating" "sailing" and finally "soaring" This post is so me as well. This is one reason I so appreciate "blogland." It helps to have validation with similar feelings. I often struggle trying to get my thoughts together for a decent blog that would perhaps be of interest and or help to someone else.

So today... things quickly came to a head. I woke up in a very bad mood. I have been exhausted and desperately needing sleep. I was cranky, irritable and just felt way out of sorts. Hubby asked me what was wrong. I just said I am not myself and feel that things are getting out of control overall. He was quiet and said " come over here and snuggle a bit"  I did, and yes this was comforting but I could feel myself rapidly going down to a very dark place. We have a busy day and night ahead and I knew that it was going to be ugly.

Suddenly, he said "turn over, I want you up here," meaning closer to the headboard. I did as I was told, not fully engaged in what he was actually saying or what was about to occur. He proceeded to start spanking and this set me on fire. I could feel myself becomming angry. I told him this wasn't necessary. He handed me my pillow and told me to hold it tight because I was going to need it. He proceeded with the spanking, I repeated that I did not need this at which point he said " I'm not asking you what you need, I am giving you what you need, don't move away from me again" He continued to spank and each strike that landed got harder and harder. I could feel the tears building up as I fought not to cry. I kept wanting to move away, and even kicked my feet in frustration not at all understanding my feelings in the moment. Regardless of what I said or did, he just kept spanking harder and harder until my bottom felt like it was on fire. He would ask me if I was feeling better yet, but I would guess my responses didn't match up with what he was observing and so the spanking continued. I could feel the tension starting to release and felt myself settling into him. He knew I was worried with work related issues. He continued to spank and.. told me exactly how I was going to proceed. No more work for the weekend. I was to do what he said, did I understand? I was not quick with my response. He asked if he needed to take the strap out to make his point. I quickly said no. Good he said. He continued to spank. The tears were silently flowing. I could "hear" what he was saying and it mattered.

Finally he asked " are you back with me yet?" I was back and starting to feel reconnected and I let him know. He said he could tell, but to make sure I was where I needed to be, he would spank longer. So he did just that. He spanked even harder until I felt all the tension, concerns and worries melt away. He then rubbed my back, and I rested quietly, feeling the heat and burn of his touch on my bottom. I was back, reconnected and focused. I no longer felt lost. I thanked him for taking care of me and loving me. He simply said" your welcome, that's what I am here for, that's what I do."

So, that was my Saturday morning. Once again, all is right in my world. I am thankful for this man of mine.

Relationships

If you have not yet read Clint and Chelsea's new book.. Transforming your relationship, I highly encourage and recommend that you do. They have a great way of discussing the DD lifestyle in a way that is informative and comfortable. I had already read all of their previous material in the past six months, but still took away some new information as well as a different perspective in some instances.
This book has something for everyone regardless of how long you have been practicing this lifestyle or if you are new. They also have revised their recommended bootcamp which I think still gets the lessons across but in a way that may be more acceptable for some.  I plan to be discussing if this is something we want to proceed with in the future.

On another note... while this may not be new to some of you, we are working on obedience and submission. Yesterday morning, while I was getting ready for work, we both were in the bathroom at the same time. Suddenly he picked up my hand held mirror and told me to turn around... he proceeded to smack my rear end... he kept looking at the mirror and then my bottom. He said.. hummm. Seems like this is a good item to use. He then ordered me to lower my jeans.. I said really? I was immediately embarrassed and humilated but not in a bad way. I did as I was told...he proceeded to spank more and you know, that silly little mirror did have some sting to it. Then... when I did not expect it, he lowered my panties. Oh my goodness... more embarrassment and sense of humility. He said" this way you can feel the full effect." Let's just say I most certainly did. The spanking was short and sweet, playful, but there was a lesson there. Taking one's pants down shows obedience, acceptance and submission. To have him finish by baring my bottom, showed me he was in control of the entire situation. I mentioned that I thought I understood why a paddle must hurt, as that mirror covered a lot more surface area at one time. I couldn't imagine him using a paddle.. he said.. you know the things you don't mention or talk about are the ones you probably want or need the most. Not that I really want to experience a paddle, but I do wonder since that would be new for me if that would get my attention?....
Seems like everthing he sees now, is a perspective spanking implement. I am guessing that  the bar has been raised and I am about to be on the receiving end of some new experiences!

Amazing what Conversation will reveal

Just wanted to share with those of you that follow, that I finally got the nerve up to ask some questions of my hubby that would help me know where we are at and more importantly where we need to be heading with our DD relationship. I have been giving this some thought for quite some time, and trying to find the right time has been challenging given our circumstances over the past month. I know from reading the blogs I follow, how important it is to not assume anything, and that
communication is everything. So I have prayed about this and asked that the time would present itself when appropriate, that I would not only be able to ask the questions I needed to ask, but more importantly that I would be receptive to the responses I might receive.


Over the weekend we were doing some traveling. We chatted about this and that at times, on occasion we were both into our own thoughts, we enjoyed the scenery around us. I felt my heart pounding and I felt my mind racing as I prepared to state what was on my mind. I finally took a deep breath and just forged ahead.


I asked my hubby if I could ask some questions that may be difficult, and could I count on him to give me his honest response regardless of how his response might make me feel. I let him know that I
had been doing some soul searching and needed to get some answers. I let him know that this was concerning our relationship and some of the things that I have been involved with in terms of trying to understand my behavior and how this affects our marriage both good and bad. He told me that he always has been honest in answering any questions I have asked and this would be no different. His calmness helped me to relax and move ahead. I felt safe.


I asked him about the 4 D's. Disrespect, Dishonesty, Disobedience, and Dangerous behavior. I asked him if he felt I exhibited all or some of these qualities and which ones in his opinion were the most concerning to him. At first he responded that really none of them were a huge issue and certainly not something that could not be worked through.  I asked him to be more specific. I reminded him that I was not perfect and I was more then certain that at least one of these was the source of disharmony in our relationship over the years. He then quickly, almost too quickly responded, "Disobedience" He told me that this was a huge issue for me and the most concerning for him. He told me he found me to be honest, perhaps a delayed response when asked a question, but that he felt for the most part that I was honest, and I would agree with that. Dangerous behavior.. he really did not feel that I was the type to have those issues, but that may need to be defined yet. ( I would say, that my issues with not eating and drinking well each day, lack of sleep, not relaxing, and most important not taking my meds could be considered dangerous behavior if I don't get this in check) I would have thought he would have said  disrespect, as I am quite sassy and have been known to not speak with a pleasant tone on many occasions. But no.... he says "disobedience" is the number one issue. So there we have it.


I asked him what he thought disobedience meant to him, and would he provide examples. He was very forthcoming. He said simply.. "Not doing what I ask of you, when I ask of you." It is just that simple. It was like an arrow went through my heart at that moment. My spirit, told me he was right.
He told me he suspected it is because of my work, in that all day long, I have to respond to others needs and wants, put out fires so that by the time I reach  home, I am sick of doing this and just disconnect. The problem? I am disconnecting from the one person who is my world. Have we discussed this? You bet. Over and over and over again. I put any and everything before him. I make up more excuses as to why I cannot do something for him than carter has pills. I find "busy" work and keep occupied even when I should be taking the time to rest, regroup, & reconnect with him, and this really infuriates him. He is tired of discussing this and expects a change. He knows I can not continue on like this, and he is not happy that this issue remains a problem. He states that this affects everything from getting him a glass of water to his request for sex. He tells me that obedience and submission are one in the same and that I needed to get this figured out and determine how I will be able to come to a place where I am able to be obedient and submit without question. He also knows my past history comes into play, in that I did not learn obedience as a child, never was held accountable nor disciplined as I should have been. He did say it is never too late, and this is what he has tried to do over the years. He said, this is what we have been doing now for several months right?
I said, right. I told him that I was thankful to have him as my husband, and for his patience and strength in dealing with these issues over the years. I told him, this was the year I truly wanted to make permanent changes.


While I wanted to ask him outright,  if he would make "disobedience" a spankable offense in our house, I chose to stop there and give thought to what he had revealed. He is not one for a whole host of rules and regulations. He expects obedience and submission pure and simple. I need to find a way to make this happen. I also know intelligently that I should be able to grasp this and just do what I am asked, I also know that I am stubborn, I distance myself, I have a poor attitude when things are not my way, and I am prideful. All of these are not the traits I need to have, nor will they allow me to become obedient or submissive. I am not proud to say this, but I think to be held accountable to meeting this expectation will require a test of the minds and spirit between the two of us. My best intentions have not cut it in the past, and I don't expect that they will now. I need to learn to not only accept his lead, but to follow through with his expectations. While I am learning to be more mindful of what I am trying to achieve, I still fail miserably on most occasions. After careful thought, I feel the only way I will "get this" is to be spanked for discipline purposes.


 I realize this will be very different from anything we have ever actually done before. I need the boundaries to be set, I need to know what to expect if I cross that line in the sand, I need to know I will have serious consequences to face if I do not follow through with learning this lesson of complete obedience and submission. This matters to him, it now matters to me. How often will I have to face this type of punishment? Well I suppose that is up to me. Hopefully only once, but knowing how stubborn I can be, sadly it may take several attempts for him to make his point. I know I can do this, I just need him to help me. I don't want to ask this of him, but he is the one I trust. He knows my mind, he knows my heart. If anyone can get through to me, I know he will.  I guess my next step is to just ask him if he will help me overcome my rebellious and prideful spirit by using discipline spanking to hold me accountable. I may need to be careful of what I ask for, as my hubby is a man of his word and I have absolutely no doubt that he will teach me to meet his expectations. I am not afraid of him, I do not look forward to being punished by him for failing to learn the lessons he wants from me. I am more afraid of failing him overall. I need him more now than ever. He is my rock, he is my everything.

New Year, Anticipated changes..

As hubby and I were headed home last night after an extremely long day, he suddenly said: do you know what I would like to do? I asked him what it was.. he said " I want to spank you right into the New Year!" What a difference a year makes.

My thought was how appropriate, after all there are unresolved issues from 2013 and might as well start covering bases for 2014 while we were there. We got home and got comfortable, had a little ice cream while waiting for the ball to drop signifying the start of a new year. T-minus 30 seconds and counting, he pulled the strap out and told me to turn around. No over the lap? What the heck?  I thought this was going to be an easy spanking.. just saying.. we are just celebrating a new year right?

So at T-minus 20, he proceeded with smacking my backside, kindly providing a swat with each second until after the New Year had arrived and then added three more I presume for good measure. Let's just say.. I had a stinging backside to think about already in the New year.

So that's how I ended my year and started my New Year. Quite a change. It also gave me much to think about as we move ahead. I see there will be much work to be done by us both, but I suspect most of the changes that will occur will be from my side as I learn what his true expectations of me are and he holds me accountable to meeting those expectations.

 I have already shared how stubborn I can be, extremely strong willed, which basically translates into having a very defiant spirit. Not a quality you want to have when learning submission. It will get in the way every time along with self pride. I think it is probably one of the hardest traits to handle.

 I also suspect that in breaking this defiant spirit of mine, I am going to have a very sore bottom, as he teaches me the lessons I need to learn in order to open my heart and my mind and actually "hear" and "accept"  what he has to say. While we have been together many years, I have wasted much time in not listening and doing what is expected. This will be the year that this changes.

I am certain there will be many up's and down's for us both, again more for me then for him,  but I am committed to going through "the ring of fire" or over his lap as needed and experiencing the "fire and burn" of his hand on my bottom as he drives his points home.
Kind of sad that it takes this kind of discipline for me to get on the same page. However, I have come to the acceptance of this lifestyle in order to reap the benefits of a closer, and more intimate relationship with my forever love.

There really are no words to express how wonderful my husband is. Let's just say that he deserves nothing but my best. I need to "get over" whatever issues I have, adjust my attitude, and give him my submission plain and simple.

I will be looking to him for his guidance and direction in getting me to the place that I need to be. It will require consistancy and communication on his part, it will require me to keep my mind and heart open, it will require me to listen and to follow through regardless of whether I agree. It will require me to submit to his leadership and desires. It will require my undivided acceptance of what will be required of me. It will require my all.

I suspect my true journey is about to begin.