Goodness, when I last posted it was still spring with occasional snow flurries and now we are headed right into summer. I have a confession to make to most of you, that while I was not posting, I was still reading or maybe I had reverted back to official lurking. Trying to stay connected but yet felt disconnected all at the same time. Life for most of you has been moving ahead as it should, but for me I have had an issue that has been personal to me and it has taken me awhile to decide if I wanted to share this with all of you. At the urging of a good friend, I have decided to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and begin to post again if nothing else but to sort through my own thoughts and feelings and if it is helpful to one person than I am honored.
We will soon be celebrating 39 years of marriage in August of this year. Just enough time to have gone by that our wedding vows are nearly a distant memory, so much so, I can not actually recall if I promised to obey. I do distinctly remember the love, honor and cherish part.. so romantic at the time. I also recall in sickness and health but gosh at that time I equated that to old age and figured that was part of the deal right? Till death do us part was just something I never wanted to think about all together. How immature was I then when I said these vows? Did I really understand my level of commitment and what it would ultimately mean? No. Looking back now... that's sad. Do I get it now? Absolutely. Regrets? Yes. That I have wasted so much time in living my life without the full knowledge and understanding of these vows. However, I am eternally grateful that God in his infinite wisdom, gave me the man he knew would be able to not just teach and show me these vows but lives these vows to their fullest. Where is this all leading? I am not well. I am not dying... I mean we will all eventually die I get that, but I have not been well for quite some time. I have had various health issues that have come and gone over the past several years and more so in the past year. I was recently diagnosed with "Lupus" For those of you not familiar with this illness, it is an autoimmune disease where your own healthy immune system turns on itself and starts attacking various organs in your bottom causing all kinds of havoc. It is not curable, and you simply deal with each health crisis as it occurs. Mine started out with a sudden loss of most of my hair requiring me to purchase a wig just to keep anyone from knowing something was going wrong with my health. This was emotionally difficult for me and a very humbling time. It was a time when my husband stepped right up and took complete control of the situation even before we had the diagnosis. I scheduled and canceled many apts to go and learn about wigs and such because I was always too busy at work. One day he called and asked if I had rescheduled my apt and when I told him no, he said we would be talking that
night. I got home, where he called me upstairs. Not realizing there was an issue, I went upstairs to greeted by a very unhappy husband with a paddle in his hand. I became angry actually. What right did he have to think this was a spankable issue? It was my health, my looks and I would deal with this in my own time right? Wrong. I tried talking to him first, then I became angry and defensive, stated using all kinds of explicative words. I interrupted him every time he tried to talk to me. He warned me, I kept pushing right on. I mean what was he really gong to do anyway? He called me to him several times. Each time I was defiant and refused. He quietly took my hand and puled me close to him and made me look him in the eyes. He told me I was beautiful, and that he would always love me regardless of what the issues were and that it was time that I put myself first and if I couldn't do that then he would see to it that I did even if I had to learn the lesson the hard way. Did I understand? Yes I mumbled out loud, but inside my head and my heart I was angry, so much so that I had tuned out the rest of what he was saying and when I could not answer his questions this is where I found myself.
To say that I was shocked was putting it mildly. Now that he had my undivided attention and my bare bottom under his hand, he had me right where he wanted me and was able to continue on with his thoughts of the situation and how this was going to play out. Silly me of course, I wanted to continue to argue about a whole multitude of issues I was not in agreement with in the moment. He had a plan for this too and did not hesitate one minute.
Now I know most of you know I HATE this paddle. I even told him so. I told him I was finished, to which he replied...yes lady, you are finished. And with that his point was well made and I felt it for days after, but most importantly, his message remains in my mind and in my heart. He has this situation, he has me, he has us. I thought I would stop TTWD. It is a good thing that we officially have been doing this lifestyle for 2 years now and worked through some of the kinks. It is a good thing he is an awesome HOH. They say the way into a man's heart is through his stomach. I guess the way to get into my mind and my heart is through my bare bottom. It worked. He made his points. His message was well understood. He made it very clear that from now on.... he was taking charge and I had best listen and obey. YES... he told me I MUST obey him or more consequences would follow.
Obedience will be crucial as we move forward. I have always cared for others and find it very hard to let others do for me. I will have good days and not good days. I will need hubby during both times and I will need to learn to accept his guidance, leadership and protection in sickness and in health,
for better or for worse just as our vows were spoken 39 years ago.
I am thankful for this man of mine who does not hesitate for one minute to take me in hand.
For in his hands, I feel safe, secure and so very loved. I am blessed beyond measure.
