Spring is here, seeing subtle changes

Spring is a time of rebirth and fresh beginnings. I don't know about all of you, but finally in my neck of the woods, we are seeing the beauty of spring after a really long winter. The grass is greening up, trees are budding out, flowers are comming up, it is staying lighter longer. All of this brings a sense of peace, joy and wonder to my heart. I have been watching for weeks now to see these subtle changes that I have been longing for.

We have been on our journey of TTWD for 9 months now, whether this was formal or unformally started. Last night, hubby made a very simple statement which had a profound affect on my heart. What I am about to say, might not impress any of you, but it does show the subtle changes that are finally taking place for me and says that we are on the right path. I wonder if he too, has longed to see these subtle changes within me.

For several weeks now, he has started to keep an empty water bottle by his bedside. At first it irritated me, and I kept throwing them out only to find another one back in place. I finally noted that he would refill it before going to bed so he wouldn't have to get up to get a drink in the middle of the night. I don't remember exactly when I started doing this for him, but every night now for several weeks before I got in to bed, I have filled it for him so he would have it. Several times he has been surprised to find it filled and simply expressed his appreciation. On the rare occasion I have forgotten, he has given me a subtle reminder. Are you forgetting to do something for me?  I quickly remembered and without question, or hesitation, I would quickly get it filled. There were no further discussions. Last night though, we both got home very late from our own business. We were exhausted. I had remembered to fill it, and it was at his bedside. He came to bed and when he saw it he said:" I really appreciate your taking the time to fill my bottle. It makes me feel like you really care."

Perhaps not the most profound thing any of you have heard, but for me.... it told me that I do indeed have the capability of being submissive of my own accord and I felt there was hope. It also told me he is watching.This simple statement spoke to my heart and I marveled how such a simple act could mean so much to him. In that moment , I could see that the previous months of soul searching, the up's and down's, the frustrations, all had purpose and meaning. My heart was broken,  than softened and is being remolded. Has this been a painful time for me? It absolutely has, but it has been an essential part of my journey. One can not change what one does not recognize and accept the ownership to change. I now see why hubby has told me he will not spank to gain my submission. As stubborn as I am, he would be spanking me 24/7 to get his point across, and the response would have been only as a result of his actions and not the willingness from my heart to make the necessary changes.

He too, is making changes. For those of you that have followed me, know that while TTWD was never formally introduced, no serious discussions were had to begin this journey, we simply have been moving forward on our own terms. Oh sure, over the months as things arose, I have questioned and asked for his thoughts, I have expressed my thoughts and we have just sort of found our niche.

Today, he often will give me "the look" I know what that means without any discussions. Was it possible over the past 40 years that he has already been doing that and I was just choosing to ignore it's meaning. I am guessing so. Now, he firmly tells me what I will and won't be doing, and accepts no arguements. Most of these directives when I look at them now, are his way of taking care of me so that physically, mentally and emotionally, I am protected. When he tells me to go over his lap, he is taking matters into his own hands as he see's fit. I used to think this had to be spelled out so I could understand the difference in the spankings. But really? Does one really have to have an announcement? He used to say, if you cannot tell the difference, than you need to pay closer attention to what I am saying, whether these be my words or the feel of my hand on your rear end! Now before I am spanked, I stop to think about what things led up to this. Did I miss his looks, his warnings, did I push the issues, did I argue my points beyond acceptable limits? How did I speak to him? What was my tone? Was I disrespectful with my words? Most of the time, I find my own answers deep within my heart, and I already know why I find myself over his lap. I believe this is why in the most recent months, I started to hesitate with spankings even though initially I asked for them. The hesitation was because in my heart, I knew I deserved them, a part of me was afraid. As I learned to accept consequences for my actions, to submit to a spanking was humbling at best. The spankings also hurt more than before. I think this is because my mind and my emotions are finally connecting to my behaviors.

And so it is said, that spankings are suppose to hurt in order to make neccessary corrections. How obvious could this be? I used to think I knew everything about spanking. Not. What I knew was simple fantasy. What I know now that we are on this journey, there are many reasons. Some not so pleasant. Some are erotic. Some are for fun. Some, relieve stress. The one's that are the hardest for me are one's that I need to learn from. Self reflection is the best way for me to grow and learn. Hubby is a man of few words, but when he speaks, he can nail an issue every time just with his words. Put that together with a spanking, and I quickly come around to seeing things from his perspective. I now see by accepting his lead, that my stress level is decreasing. Not to say that it is always easy, but knowing he is there to catch me when I am falling regardless of the reason, is very reassuring.

And so as we enjoy these beautiful days of spring, and the subtle wonderful signs of nature's rebirth, I, too, reflect on the subtle changes I am seeing within myself. I wonder what things will look like when I am in full bloom.

Acceptance

Many things have come to light for me over the past several weeks. Several lessons learned the hard way, or perhaps the painful way. One thing I find interesting about this journey I find myself on, is the more unacceptable my behavior or conversations are, how very apparent they are to me. Now I know that may be a strange statement. Prior to starting this journey I know I didn't really take notice or think twice about how I would react or what my statements would look like from my hubby's perspective. While I still have a long way to go, now I immediately recognize when my behavior or remarks have been less than what they should  be in terms of pleasing him.While you can't take back those actions or words that are not acceptable, you can take responsibility for them, and find ways to improve upon the behavior.

In the initial phase of this journey, I know my expectation was that I would be punished for behaviors that did not meet with hubby's expectations. The truth is, I felt this was the only way I would learn to follow through. Hubby's stance has always been that he absolutely would not spank to gain submission or obedience from me. To this date, I can say this is still true. So when I find myself noticing that my behavior or conversation is less than acceptable, it actually causes me to experience a true remorseful spirit which then in turn causes a much deeper reflection and a true willingness to want to change, and thus I will change, and that desire comes from my heart. And that... is where true submission is meant to come from. In those moments I am pleased with myself for doing so and feel certain hubby does too.

Now that is not to say that spankings do not occur. I can assure you they do. I know that hubby is watching, often comments in certain circumstances that reminds me to be careful.     What I used to think that I wanted and needed in order to do the right thing, I now give great consideration to. My emotions are really raw right now. If hubby were to provide a true punishment spanking, I know it would break my heart and his as well, not to mention I am certain it would be the most painful ever. Do I really want this ? No, I don't. If it just so happens one day this occurs, well I suppose the message would be loud and clear as it would not be the "norm" for us and that's perhaps as it should be.

For now, I am finding myself over his lap for many other reasons. These reasons are one's that he determines the need for. Stress relief primarily at present which is helping me. I am also able to communicate my need easier than when we first started. I have stopped second guessing him, stopped saying no, sometimes I still hesitate when he tells me to come to him, but I do come to him and I accept what he feels is necessary in the moment to get my attention, and to help me find my soft heart and my inner peace. The spankings that are the most difficult to accept, are actually the ones I need the most to break down walls and barriers. And hubby knows these, and understands the importance of reaching me long  before I see this in myself. Spankings in the past, I thought had meaning. They didn't, they were fantasy one's. Spankings I receive now, have taken on a brand new meaning for me. There is purpose and meaning and often lessons to be learned. I now look for the meaning, and the lesson with each one. Some I find really are just for "me." Others, I learn really impact the two of us. Regardless, I am still on the journey and find myself more in love than ever before. I have a long way to go yet, but with the help of my sir, I can say that I am happier and much more secure with his leadership, and when I chose to follow, life holds more meaning.

Lesson Learned

Oh my. What a trying time this has been for me. And you know, this could have all been avoided if I had sat down and talked with hubby about this before proceeding. I would have known his concerns and whether I agreed or not, I could have stated my reasons and we could have come to an understanding without ever having to go through this process. But we went through it, and there was a lesson to be learned.

There can only be one captain of the ship, one chief for a tribe, and one leader for a home. While respectfully, the leader needs to consider all information placed before them to make an informed decision, they are ultimately charged with the responsibilty for those that they lead and care for. When one stops to reflect upon this, you begin to have a fine appreciation of that responsibilty. They have to keep the entire picture in front of them, and often undo mistakes made on behalf of those they are responsible for in order to protect them from harm, seen or unforseen. It takes a strong leader to shoulder this responsibility.

I have been with my man for 40 years now. I shudder to think about the many times I have not followed his lead and the results of having that stubborn pride that caused hardships for me and for us. If I had been following his lead all along, I am certain many situations we have experienced on life's journey would have been avoided.

There is something to be said for immediate and timely obedience whether you agree in the moment or not. It can save heartache, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and wrong perceptions which can lead both of us to a very hard place. This was such a time. While on the surface the issue seemed innocent enough, the stakes were high and there was plenty of room for serious consequences to have occured.

While this incident could have and should have resulted in a painful punishment spanking for me, for disrespect, and dangerous behavior, it did not. Hubby has a way with words that cuts through the matter at hand and he nails the issue everytime. That's not to say that I always agree, understand or even want to do as I am asked, the issue is this... he is the leader in our home, he is owed my respect, prompt obedience and my gratitude for making the hard decisions in life that affect us both. I am thankful for this man of mine. The further I move along on this journey, the more I realize what a wonderful plan God had, when he paired us together for life.