Coasting Along

Finally a week where things seemed to just move along as they should for the most part. The week was filled with many difficult and challenging moments as always from my work perspective, and I was frustrated by the end of the week for certain, but at least I did not have the same level of emotional turmoil as last week.

Hubby is not feeling his best this week, and I worked hard to just keep myself in check. Interestingly enough,

while he was not feeling his best, there were several well placed statements made that reminded me that he was watching, and keeping me in check and that he would not hesitate to make needed corrections if necessary. I found that just by him making simple statements was often enough to bring me back around 

in the moment and stay on track. So it is possible, that spankings are not always necessary to achieve the 

desired results, and I found comfort in finally grasping this concept. It is simply being held accountable 

and my desire to respond and do what is needed in that moment that created at least a more favorable 

response on my part. 

Of course I would be remiss, if I did not say that after last weeks meeting of the mind, or firm hand to my bottom that left a lasting impression did not play some kind of  role. There were moments this week where I felt myself moving the wrong direction but when I recalled the incident of last week, along with statements being made this week, quickly helped to put my mind and heart in their "soft places."

There was the "incident" where I ended up in the ER because my BP was out of control. I posted about this to some of you for some feedback. My final decision, was to text hubby and let him know at least what was wrong, what had occurred, how I had failed, and why, and simply stated that while we don't officially have "rules" I thought it might be a good idea for him to determine how he could best help me with this issue that 

truly could end up being life threatening. Because of our work schedules, along with him not feeling well, we have not really discussed this. But he has made sure every day to ask me if I have taken my meds. I think he doubts sometimes if I am being  truthful because he will say "are you sure?" You best be telling the truth. I truly am not one to lie, may omit the truth if the exact question is not asked, but I am generally truthful. 

I suspect there are going to be consequences for what occurred this week once hubby is feeling better. Knowing that alone, is keeping me in check. And you know, I deserve whatever he feels is necessary to get his point across. I have mentioned in previous postings, that I have been saying "no", not staying in place, making argumentative statements during other recent spankings. This week, I have made the decision that moving forward, I will make the commitment to not say no, to willingly go over his lap when told to do so, and to not ask any questions during the process.  I would say that at present, my heart is in the right place to submit.... Until.... that leather strap comes out, then..... well it is going to be hard, but I am committed to 

doing as I am told. Right now my life can literally be at stake if I do not learn this lesson, both emotionally and physically. I need to follow for my own well being. I am blessed he will lead.

Firm Hand = Clear Communication

Well the weekend is here once again, and I have a short time with which to put out my weekly post.
When reviewing my past posts, it is clear to me how tired and frustrated I am by this time every week, how emotional I am and how I clearly do not have things in perspective.

Recently a blog friend of mine advised me that TTWD, is not ALWAYS about spankings, but rather the
purpose is to have improved communication in order to strengthen the relationship. If spanking helps to move it in the right direction as a consequence than so be it. It has taken me awhile to process this statement.
I would venture to say that it is a fair statement that most of us that find ourselves in this dynamic actually enjoy some type of spanking, I would assume gg spankings, erotic spankings, true punishment spankings
probably not so much so.

So here is what went down in our home last night. Yet another extremely hard week at work for me, coupled with some increasing outside pressures that are ocurring for both of us, the need to work more
this weekend for our personal business= increased anxiety and a full blown panic attack for me.
While I managed to keep things together while we worked last night, I was all smiles and pleasantries
toward staff and customers, inside I was falling apart. I fought to hold back tears for most of the night, and
again could feel myself wanting to run and hide and actually never come back. "Distancing" is what I believe
I have read about. I was not rude, disrespectful towards my hubby that I am aware of, just stayed quiet and really offered no exchange of words other than what was essential.  I did not want to overload him with all of the thoughts rolling around in my head. He has enough to deal with on his own. At the end of our night as always, he cooks dinner for us. Only I have not had much appetite if any with all of the worries and concerns I have had. I could only eat two or three bites, and I just felt like I was going to be sick. I thanked him for taking the time to cook, just told him I really was not very hungry. I faintly remember the "look" he gave me, but he said nothing further. He finished up his meal, we briefly chatted about a few things. I told him I was really tired and just needed to go home. He nodded in agreement. We drove home, he chatted about this and that, I responded as best as I could, all the while trying to suppress my emotions and the tears that were
about to overflow. We arrived home, quickly got ready for bed. He sat down on my side of the bed.
Here is where everything suddenly went to hell in a hand  basket.

"Come here" he said. Motioning for me to go over his lap. I said... yes you guessed it, "no" "I am too tired, it is not necessary, I am just fine." I didn't feel fine, why did I just say that? I suddenly felt panicked at the thought that he felt the need to spank when I know how much pressure he is under. He motioned me over again, I repeated myself and said no. My heart was just about to break. A single lone tear slid down my cheek. He took my wrist and pulled me over his lap. He started to spank. The tears were right there. I stood up and motioned for him to stop. Quietly he said these words: "If you are not going to do as I ask, then we are not going to do this anymore, do you understand?" As always, his words went straight to my heart. He asked:
"Are we clear about this?" I nodded my head in agreement, knowing  how many times since we have started this journey that I have given such conflicting messages. Once again he took my wrist and pulled me over his lap, and the spanking resumed. He was not gentle, he was not overly hard. But he was firm and consistent,
and with that, I started  to cry. I could no longer hide my tears. I cried unlike any other time. This must be what "being spanked to tears" means. I heard him softly say.... go ahead, just let it all out. And the spanking
continued as did my tears. Finally he stopped. He told me to stand up. He pulled me close to him, and I clung to him and continued to cry softly. He talked, I talked about what was troubling me. I heard what he was telling me, I felt like he understood me. I shared with him, that I was concerned that since we had started this last summer, it was coincidental timing that we started having some of our other issues that are of concern, began at that same time. Was this a sign that perhaps "we shouldn't be doing this?" Perhaps this was wrong? We are both consenting adults, we are married, this does not go outside of our home. We are christian's, God is head of our home. Surely what we are doing can not be seen as wrong in his eyes? This is something that we explored and talked about this for awhile. His answers and reassurance made sense. Once again, he assured me that providing me with what he knows I need, is not a problem for him. He enjoys it because he knows that it helps to calm me, he knows I need direction. He knows I enjoy it, he knows it is who I am, and he is ok with it. He said, of course he  benefits as well in many ways. I finally feel as though I can stop questioning his intent, or whether this is right or wrong for us.

He continued to hold me for a long while. I finally stood up and looked him in the eye, and asked if he would repeat the spanking. I apologized  for sending mixed messages, and I was ready both in my mind and my heart to submit to his spanking. With out another word, he pulled me over his lap and provided me with a spanking that I will not soon forget. When he was done, we got into bed, he pulled me close, covered me up. I thanked him for taking care of me, and told him how much I loved him. And with that, I quickly fell asleep and slept soundly. I awoke refreshed this morning, and saw our lives in a renewed and different perspective. The problems we face are still present, the challenges will remain, but what I do know, is
TTWD will continue. It is what I want, and I am now convinced it is what he wants.

You have questions, I have some answers...

In response to "March questions," here are the following responses.

1. Irishey asks: What do you see as your most difficult issue to overcome or accept in your dynamic?
Response:  I believe my most difficult issue in this dynamic is the communication portion. I find it incredibly difficult to ask for certain things, as well as to accept what I am being told. My mind likes to play head games and this has caused a lot of heartache as I have second guessed
the thought or intent. I have also paid the price for doing so "if you know what I mean." I also was not prepared for the "emotional" piece of this journey. I have probably learned more about myself and hubby in the past 7-8 months of this journey than I have actually known over the past nearly 40 years we have been together.
Second question: What is your dream destination and why?
Response: My dream destination would be Hawaii. I have always found the islands to be beautiful, relaxing and romantic in looks. Seems like a beautiful way to spend time with the one you love.


2.  EsMay asks: What do you and your man like to do for fun? What is your ideal date?
Response: We both work very demanding jobs and so there is  not a lot of time for extra fun time. In the spring, summer, fall months, we spend time camping and boating on the wonderful lakes of our great state. This provides us time for relaxation and communication and reconnection.
Ideal date? I don't really have one. Because our time is so limited and precious, any time we can spend together is wonderful and special to me.


3.  Queenie asks: What things do you do on your own to foster that submissive feeling in your heart?
Does anyone outside of blogland know that you practice Dd? Does your man read your blogs?
Response: For me, I find going down deep within my heart and focusing on all the things that have been right for us the many years we have been together, helps me be mindful of all there is to be grateful and appreciative for. This can bring me to tears and to my "soft spot" in my heart when I take time to reflect on those moments. It is during that time that I  realize how truly blessed I am with the man I have been provided with.
And to the second question..... No One knows this is what we do!!!!! Goodness, I think I would just about die trying to explain this, as there are times I can't even accept this concept myself and I brought this to my hubby! I am new to this dynamic, I don't think I could explain myself as I often struggle just getting my thoughts and feeling out here in blogland. I so wish I had someone I could confide in, the way one would with a girl friend over a cup of coffee or hot tea. Perhaps some day.....
Third question: I just learned that my hubby does read my blogs which just blew my mind. He is not a reader at all. When I started my blog, I did let him know, provided the link, because I wanted to be up front and honest. It really surprised me when he shared that he had been reading. I don't advise when I post, I just assume he reads when the mood strikes him. I write what I feel and am completely honest about what I share.


4.  Kimberly asks: What is your dream vacation?
Response: Any place that my hubby and I can go away together and spend quality down time together. I love lakes, beaches and tropical areas. The warmth of the sun, the gentle breezes, the feeling of sand between your toes really help to set the mood for me.


Thanks to everyone for asking these questions. It was fun to be a part of this March madness!!!

Questions & Answers

As I have read through blogs this week, I note that this month is set aside to answer any questions. At first I didn't think I would have much to offer in terms of help or interest. However, thinking about it again, I am willing to put myself out there if any of you have questions.... go ahead and ask away!!! Anything is fair game.

Do Not say this two letter word.. NO

So as we continue to work through our communication of expectations, wants, needs ect, what was learned this week by me is what NOT to say. There were several instances this week when hubby
fully intended to provide me with a spanking. Not so  much so for discipline purposes, but I know he is trying to keep me in check, in balance, in sync what ever one would like to identify it as.
Surprisingly.... since I was the one that brought this whole idea to him, consistently, when he indicates this is his intent, my first answer is "NO" Really? It is like an automatic response. What happened here? I wonder if it is because I spent some time orchestrating this dynamic, then found myself questioning whether he understood, then questioning if he really WANTED to do this or if
he was just doing this with the thought "this too will pass."


Well apparently not. The first time he asked me if I needed to be spanked. I said no, I wanted to go to bed and did just that. I saw him look at me, but that night he made no further comment. The next morning, I realized what message I had sent. I texted him and suggested that when he has that intent, not to ask me, but that I wanted him to simply take over regardless of my comment, because most times even I do not know what it is I need. I needed for him to firmly step in, take control, do what he feels is necessary for us to reconnect or for him to get my attention. I might not like it at that moment, but I felt most assuredly once he was done, I would absolutely be submitting.


For the remainder of this week, each night and this morning, he kept his statements simple. Come over here. If I hesitated, he would only look at me once and simply repeat.." I said come over here." Once I was there, there was no other communication other then for him to indicate I was to place myself over his lap. The first night I was so tense, he sensed it. He started out much different. He slowly rubbed my back, rubbed my bottom, provided a few "light" smacks to my backside. He would stop, rub some more, and begin again, becoming firmer with his spanking. He would provide 10-15 smacks, stop, stayed quiet, giving me time to process, and then start in again. As I relaxed and refocused, he placed his arm around my waist and pulled me closer, he than became quite intense with his spanking and made sure that I was put back into a good place. I was than told to go to bed and get some sleep. He held me close as I drifted off.


This morning, he pulled me close and simply said: are you ready for your spanking this morning? I was irritable, but did not argue. Over his lap I went, and he spanked good, hard and long. When he was done, he pulled me into his arms and held me close for a few minutes. No words were necessary. This is the first time he has done this exact action, he had my attention and my heart. While words are important, this was his way.. and I accepted his actions as they were. This was him, not someone else's version. He was doing things his way, that is what this is about.. and so I learned from him this week what is important to him. I also learned that if I said no, he would proceed and I found comfort in that process. As we were preparing to leave for our work together this morning, I smarted off to him in response to some question he asked, I had my back to him, when I heard his dresser drawer open. I knew exactly what he was thinking without even turning around.. this is where he keeps his leather strap. He simply said,  How would you like to feel this leather strap right now?
Ummmmm not so much. After his firm hand spanking this morning, I was guessing this would not feel good. However... it told me that he is watching and listening. So I apologized. He said.. I will think about it, there is always tonight or tomorrow. With that... that will keep me wondering and keep me focused on maintaining my behavior.


For today... I feel at peace, quiet, content. I feel I am in a good place, and I so appreciate not wasting energy on second guessing what he is feeling or thinking. I am slowly accepting how things are going to work... this dynamic will work as he see's fit, in his timing, in his way. He is leading.... I am working on following.
  

Emotions

We all deal with many emotions each and every day. Some of us do better with managing these than others. For me... not so much so. Yesterday, my mind and heart was in a vulnerable spot when I posted about meeting my hubby's needs. Yes, that was my intent. So what happened? One very long day, fatigue for both of us. We awoke this morning and talked about the many issues that we are facing. With each passing subject discussed, I could feel myself escalating out of control. I am not at all angry or even upset with him, just the circumstances surrounding us just have me all fired up.

At one point we were simply joking around about "signs" At which point I said I have a sign I would like to show all right. He asked what was that? And before I knew it... yes, you guessed it, I flipped the bird. If you knew me you would know I rarely resort to this level of behavior. He just looked at me.I quickly said.. this wasn't intended for you, just the situation. He said.. that is not very christian like and God would not appreciate that. What could I say in the moment? He as always was right. It was inexcusable and not necessary. I realized then that I have only added fuel to the fire, certainly didn't help him any and I am sure he is too tired to care.

Where does that leave us now?  I want him to spank the tar out of me. I deserve it for being disrespectful. I have so much pent up frustration with so many things that I feel like I could just explode. But..... I did just say yesterday.. It is about him and not me. Have I not learned anything after all these months? Am I really that dense and selfish? What is going on here anyway? Where is my soft heart? Where is my submissive spirit?  Why do I need him to step up and provide direction and discipline because I can't manage myself?  He already has enough to deal with. When is this going to get easier? When am I going to get it? Apparently   I don't get it and this makes me sad. The one thing I thought I found that would help at least me, doesn't appear to be getting us anywhere.

Not sure what will happen next. It is apparent, I have more soul searching to do. I am not sure that despite what I feel I need and want is worth adding more to my hubby's responsibilities. He has more important things to manage than a wife who can not manage herself. Right now, I am saddened and disappointed. I just want things to feel right and be right. I feel like I am out of control with no end in sight.

Looking for my soft side.

Another week has come and gone. I am sick of all the frequent artic cold and mounds of snow. Longing for the warm rays of sunshine, flipflops, and the smell of spring. Wishing for my heart and mind to quiet down from all of the day to day difficulties. I have so very much to be grateful for, and really nothing to complain about, and yet it is hard to remain focused on the positives when negative thoughts creep in.

It is embarrassing to admit that in this moment, I have a strong urge to act out in order to rid myself of this week's frustrations. I am irritated that I feel this way. It is so childish. Surely there are other ways of handling stress levels. Unfortunately for me, my relief will only come if hubby takes charge and does whatever is necessary to get me there.
Having said that, in a quiet moment of reflection today, I recognized that hubby needs attention as well, just in a different way of course. He has been working so hard, and has faced many challenges, frustrations and I am sure things that worry him. He is so very good about protecting me from these worries, knowing I am struggling with my own. He continues to meet my needs and displays a positive attitude.

Today, I shared with him what an awesome leader he is in all areas of our lives. That no matter what the difficulties are, failure is not an option. He has been blessed with so much talent and skills. I have no doubt we will come out on the other side stronger than we imagined. I let him know that I am with him every step of the way, even if things get even harder. I trust in his continued leadership, and I will continue to follow. I silently took time to pray for him, for us and for our situation that he will find peace and guidence with all decisions he makes. I prayed for God to soften my heart, quiet my fears and show me how to be truly submissive.

So for tonight, I am going to put my needs on hold, take time to love and honor him by meeting his mental, emotional and physical needs without asking for anything in return.
He deserves this, I owe this to him for all that he does for me. I am going to offer him my soft side, open my heart and submit to his every need without question. I am hopeful after the past several months, I will be able to be the wife he so deserves.