Maintenance he says...

So as we wind down the old year and get ready for a new year, I have a very strong feeling that there will be changes occuring in our household. While my blog has only been up a short while, those of you following know only too well some of the issues I have been working through.
You know it is funny how things often turn out when one let's nature take it's course. While we have never officially held "the talk" that I have read so much about, there certainly is alot of both verbal and bottom communication going on around here. There is nothing about this dd situation that my man does not "get." In fact he understands it just fine and probably better than me.
Conversations are moving towards very specific questions being asked to see if I am following through with what I am being told. I posted recently about an instance where I blatantly lied. Let's just say that I decided right then and there that I would stop that behavior if I expected him to help me with certain issues. While I still often fail at not following through with what I am told, I am being truthful and know that there will be consequences should I choose to continue to ignore his advice. He is asserting his dominance more and more with the day to day routine things that I need help with. This in turn helps me to stay focused and secure in knowing he has me and will take whatever action may be necessary to get my attention.
There have been several instances in the past several weeks where I know that he knows a good sound spanking is exactly what I deserve and need. Unfortunately, as I stated, his father passed away last week and we have been busy with making arrangements. This certainly makes for an awkward situation when I really don't want to add any more stress to hubby's life. I am trying to do my best to remain supportive, but on the other hand I have so much pent up frustration with work issues, not feeling my best, a difficult Christmas season, and now the loss of our Dad, put this all together and it is a recipe for disaster for me.
Last night he came home and brought me supper. I was on a mission to get things accomplished around the house after working 12+ hours. He told me to sit down and eat while it was hot. I told him I would when I got finished. I heard him talking and was aware he was staring fairly intently at me. I asked if I could change my clothes. No. I asked if I could get a drink. No. You can have mine. I kept on with what I was doing, He said "STOP"I knew he meant business. He pointed out that I was being disrespectful and disobedient and was headed for a good long spanking. I sat down ate the wonderful meal and we enjoyed a church sermon as well as our christmas tree lights. I finally relaxed and we headed to bed. I was so very tired. He sat on the side of the bed and said, come over here. You absolutely need to be spanked. No question. I was so tired that I wanted to say no, but at the same time I knew I needed it as well. So I did as I was told and went over his knee. He started to spank, and I just thought, I don't remember this hurting this much. Not sure why, maybe because it had been a few weeks, maybe because I was tired and emotional. Let's just say spankings do not necessarily have to be long to be effectual.
His point was made, my bottom felt it, my mind and my heart were once again back in sync.   I felt somewhat guilty, but I know that he knew this is exactly what I needed. Since he makes the decisions, I chose to accept what he felt I needed.
When all was said and done, he told me that we were going to be doing several maintanance sessions this weekend despite the fact we still have a funeral to attend.
I will follow his lead and take them all, Why? Because I need this. I need him. I need the connection for my world to be right once again. I am one very lucky and blessed lady to have such a wonderful man who cares for me so much to provide for my every need.

Loss

Just stopping in to share sadly my husband's father passed away Friday evening. Put this together with a very busy Christmas season, and that spells STRESS for sure.
Even when you know this is comming, it is still a shock when you receive the news.
I am doing all I can to provide support during this difficult time. I will post again once we reach the other side.
Until then, for those that have started to follow my blog, I appreciate your comments. For the special connections I have made, I thank you for your wisdom and support. To everyone, wishing all a Merry Christmas with family and friends.

Moving to the other side.

So in my last entry, I shared my thoughts with regards to a need that I have to submit to a "true" punishment spanking for some very poor choices made many years ago.

Unfortunately, I carried the consequences of those decisions into my marriage of 38 years. These poor choices have resulted in my inability to understand true submission. We still have not actually discussed this need due to busy work schedules we both have.

This is where having time to reflect is good for the soul. Three things I see now that I am able to step back, is that my man probably does not "want" to truly punish me. I can see that it might cause him to have some emotional pain. After all, he is not a mean guy, does not take pleasure in causing me pain, but if he deems it is necessary to punish me via spanking then he has no issue with moving foward. The difference here is he has determined what the offense is and if it requires such action. In other words, he is in charge of that decision and I need to accept his decision. I have decided since I am to follow his lead, that I will finally share all of my "hidden secrets" of years past. While I can not forgive myself and feel to be punished will help me get to the other side, I will await his decision.  He is wise and understanding, and I am certain will be fair with how this situation will play out so that I am able to learn a lesson from this situation. I am determined to submit and accept my sir's decision.

Second, on this journey to understanding a "true dd relationship," it is important to surround yourself with others you trust to help give perspective. I have been fortunate to connect with someone who understands my perspective and while they did not agree, gave me very good feedback and helped to refocus my thoughts and provide clarity on the issue
so that I was able to move forward, and for this I am thankful.

Third... After this past week, I believe we are already "on the other side." My man is holding me accountable in several areas. Does he have to spank in the moment? No. When he asks me a question now, I will not lie. I recognize what is expected and my conscious kicks in.In other words both my heart and my brain are engaged because I am aware he will take steps, asking first, ramping it up to "tell me" and if I continue to not listen and submit, there is no question my backside will pay a price. This is what I expect, and this is what he is doing. The power of communication can often say it all.

I will share with you that Friday evening was the end of a very stressful week for me. We got home late, and as we were winding down, he was reminding me of the Christmas season, and how little time I had spent enjoying it. He kept talking, I remained focused on all the reasons I did not have time. He kept talking. I simply could not get on the same page. I was all fired up about what I had not accomplished and what I still needed to complete at work. He kept talking. My heart heard him, but I simply pushed the thoughts away thinking I knew best. Well... I apparently did not know best as I ended up over his lap and was the recepient of a very painful hand spanking. I felt like my bottom was on fire. Suddenly, my mind went crazy. Yep, with a bare bottom, and in the middle of being spanked, what did I do? I pushed his hand away and told him I was now mad! Ladies...let me tell you not smart. He told me he was going to get the strap out and provide me with a punishment spanking.He has never said this before. THAT snapped my brain into gear. He advised me to settle down because that is where I was headed. Truth be known, he probably should have just done it. I was acting like a brat and was being disrespectful and disobedient. While he did not proceed with getting the strap, the remainder of my spanking was much harder then I have had in the past, and he did not stop until he was done. He then told me we were going to bed and now I had something else to focus on instead of work. Yep I sure did. My bottom stung all night and into the next day. I fell asleep in the comfort and security of his arms and despite my very sore bottom, my mind was at peace, my heart was content and I am feeling very blessed to have a man that will "take me in hand."

The rest of the weekend while we both worked, I was able to begin to enjoy the Christmas season, and with his help, we finally got our home decorated. I have always loved my man for many reasons, but now that love is becomming so deep and intense. When I count my blessings this season, I give thanks for a man that has given me the greatest gifts of all....His unconditional love, his protection, his wisdom, perhaps a sore bottom in the process. I am secure in knowing he has my heart, he has us. I will learn to follow his lead.

Taking steps.

I know some of you are wondering possibly where this is going for me. So I don't mind sharing the events of last night.

Once again, I attempted to meet my man's needs and once again failed. This time though, the failure brought me to heartbreaking tears. Tears of regret and remorse for not following his lead over the many years. Now maybe he doesn't have the desire anymore I told myself. My heart of course knows this is not true. He admits to some recent worries and concerns that may be playing a role. I just blurted out what was on my mind..That I am afraid my need to be spanked is just too much for him. He sort of laughed and said he enjoyed providing the many spankings over the years. I told him they now hold a much different meaning for me.

I shared with him my need to truly become submissive. He then shared that his only expectation is that I "willingly" was submissive in all ways and that my reward for doing so would be for him to provide the spankings that he all ready knows I need regardless of the reasons.( I am still trying to process this mind set.) I continued to cry and he continued to talk quite calmly and matter of fact. He was reaching my heart, but my mind continued to race with questions and doubts. He quietly asked if I needed to be spanked now. I wanted to say yes, but couldn't bring myself to do so. To "ask" for a spanking seems so wrong and I let him know. In his wisdom, he told me he has known me for years. When I get all stirred up and frustrated, it is a sure sign for him that I have a lot of tension that just needs to be released and he knows by spanking, this is exactly what occurs. He tells me he does not need to punish me into doing whatever is expected. He will only accept what is "freely" given. More tears of course continue to fall as I weigh this thought in my mind. His expectation is that I "freely" submit in all areas to him. That is what is important to him. That is what should be equally as important to me. How I choose to get there, is "freely" up to me. Powerful my friends.

So, I have eluded to some very poor decisions made in the past that I can not forgive myself for. I have carried them for a very long time, and desperately seek a way to feel that I can let them go once and for all and begin to lead a life of submission. My question to those of you following, is it ok to simply ask my hubby to "punish" me for these mistakes? After all it isn't his fault I made those choices, why should he have to follow through with the punishment?
Because I trust him with my life. He has my heart. Because he loves me and I love and trust
him with following through and breaking this defiant spirit I have always had.

My heart knows that to accept one "punishment" spanking would be exactly what is needed  to surrender my will to his. I am mindful that this request would be hard for him, as the intent is for correction and not for pleasure as he already freely gives. How much more do I ask of the man that loves me? I am asking that he takes me to the other side......

Cold winter morning, warm bottom, mixed emotions....

I finally am actually feeling better yea! Slept oh so well, feeling refreshed. As hubby and I layed in bed this morning, I was reflecting on where we are with the whole dd lifestyle. I was giving thought as to what I wanted to say following the revelation of my blog to him and wondered if he would be receptive to what was really on my mind, Punishment. Some history goes along with this thought, but for the purpose of this bog, I will leave that for a later time.

 He however, had something very different on his mind. He suddenly ordered me to get out of bed, to go to his dresser drawer and pull out the blindfold and the thick strap kept there and bring them to him. In the past, I would have wasted alot of time asking very silly questions all the while really knowing what the intent was. This morning was just different. I asked no questions, and simply did as I was told.

Strangely, while I felt some butterflies deep down inside, I also felt an unusual sense of calmness as
I followed through with his order. Was this the submissive side of me trying to show through? I sort of thought so, since my mouth usually is asking a million questions, but this time I did not do so.
I brought him the blindfold, which he carefully placed on me. I then handed him the strap. He quietly but firmly told me to lay over his lap. Of course I know what is going to occur, but for some reason
I can feel myself become a bit anxious and instinctively want to move away even though I am not truly "afraid of spankings." After all, I am sure his intent is for pure sexual satisfaction. He begins to bring the strap down on my bottom. It stings for sure, but it is manageable. Several swats later, I am beginning to "feel" the sting and burn and want to move away, but told myself to "submit" despite the
increasing pain I am feeling. I told myself to "focus" on what I was feeling. After all, in the future I will need to be able to stay still and "submit" to what I have been asking for which is a true "punishment" spanking where I will have absolutely no say in how long, how hard, or what implements will be used. I need to learn to submit in real life now, not just because spankings have
played a role over the years in our sex life, but because we are now moving into the dynamics of a dd relationship in order to achieve a more fulfilling marriage.

My mind goes to a much deeper place, I am thinking, if I think these swats are painful and I know he is doing so for sexual satisfaction, what would this strap feel like on my behind IF he was doing this for a punishment spanking? After all, my man is a large man, extremely strong, and while I have never experienced a spanking from him with the sole intent to punish and correct, my mind and oddly my heart tells me this would be the ultimate test of my submission. I also know deep down that I deserve to "feel" both pain on my bottom, and in my heart, in order to bring me to the place that I need to be in order to forgive myself for past behaviors of many years ago. I am scared of this emotion that I so strongly feel. I have read about being "being spanked to tears" and I can so relate
to the need to experience the release and to be able to let go of the past and begin afresh. I would also need for him to be firm and direct in his conversation to me about my wrong doings of the past, how I have held on to them way too long, how this has affected us, and what his expectations are for our future. I am certain between receiving a "true lecture as well as a real spanking," that I would quite easily be brought to tears. I need to know that he has this, has me, understands my need for this opportunity to start afresh with a clear mind and an open heart so that my submissive side will open up and finally.... as my original blog says... better late than never, I can now become the woman he has tried to get me to be all of these years. He deserves this from me, I owe this to him.

So this morning while sexually my needs were well met, his were not. Not that I did not do my best, I just wonder if my desire to be held accountable via being punished by spankings is causing a problem for him. He says not, but I just wonder. After all this is my need, not necessarily his. What I want is to submissively meet his every need. After all, he has met every need that I have ever had regardless of what those were. He deserves the very best of me. What I need...a painful bottom, a remorseful heart, to be forgiven, a clear understanding of his expectations now. What I need is... a clean slate.

Not the brightest idea !

I thought I was getting better. Not!! Woke up this morning feeling poorly again and STILL no voice.
Decided to stay home and work from the comfort of my lazy boy recliner. Hubby is heading off to the pharmacy to get yet more meds that I do hope finally do the job. Not like me at all to stay this sick for this long. While he showered, I cleaned the kitchen from breakfast, put a load of clothes in to wash, fed the dogs, gave them water, took the trash out to the curb. Problem you say? Well we are slowly thawing out from an unbelievable week of subartic temps. Today is a balmy "0" degrees, but it is slightly snowing and the wind has picked up so wind chill is an issue. What am I crazy or what?
Nope. Just being me. Even being sick, I just don't know when to say when. Kind of like the energizer bunny...I just keep going, and going and going.

I come through the back patio door in my PJ's, robe and slippers just in time to come face to face with the man. He asked just what did I think I was doing exactly? " What does it look like? I squeeked out my comment. Looks like your getting into trouble. He turns and grabs a big spatula from the counter
and tells me to turn around and face the counter. I am to pull up my robe and place my hands on the counter. I know what is about to occur. My mind is saying "really, I am sick and he is going to spank?" Well..... my heart said, this is what you have been trying to tell him. Best obey.

Apparently I am not bright enough on my own regardless of how sick I am to NOT go outside in such inclement weather no matter what my reasoning was.

So... as I continued to hesitate with his direction, ( processing the request in my mind) he once again advised me to do as I was told. He told me to look at my snowman display in front of me, which struck me as being funny, ( that it was) He proceeded to quite matter of factly, spank my bottom with the spatula which was a new implement for me. Only took 6-7 smacks to my backside for my brain to re-engage with the message he was delivering.

Stay inside where it is warm, take care of yourself and think before you act. Yep, got the message loud and clear. I went to my lazy boy recliner covered up and promptly fell asleep. You know it is a funny thing, hubby knows me extremely well and knew just what action to take to get my attention.

Perhaps we really don't need to have " the talk" He apparently clearly understands what my expectations are. Maybe what we really need to do is just set the "boundaries" so we will both be on the same page moving forward.

Before I go, A few more swats to my behind after taking my meds. I asked what these were for and hubby simply said  "just because" Yep, his dominance is shining through, NO PROBLEM!

So.....Tis the season for sharing everything right? I had hoped by now to have had "the talk" by now with my man, unfortunately I have been dealing with an exceptionally difficult cold that hubby saw fit to share with me. I have had laryngitis for well over a week so literally can not say a word. How frustrating. This extra time has allowed me to take a step back and gather my thoughts. It has allowed me to reach out to others for their feedback. It has allowed me time for reflection.

One problem here. Hubby has done what he can to help me get well, getting meds, bringing me meds, making sure I am comfortable.Like I said, he is a gem of a man. Yesterday, he left me at home to sleep and reminded me to take my meds on his way out the door. Did I do so? Nope. Just didn't give it a thought until.....fast forward 12 hours later when he arrived back home. " Did you take your meds he asked?" I said yes, he said what was that? I said yes I did. He asked if I needed to be spanked? Not sure why, unless he knows I just lied.  OMG!!!!!!  I did just blatantly lie to him. My answer just fell out, it really wasn't intentional or premeditated I could argue. Nonetheless, everyone knows a lie is a lie.
This morning I am physically starting to feel better, but my heart and mind knows that what
I did was disrespectful and disobedient. Both which do indicate I deserve to be spanked. This is a perfect example of what being held accountable with consequences would be.

Well... I suppose I will add this to my long list of offenses that require attention. I just wonder what Hubby will say when I actually "admit" to lying. I am certain he already knows I have lied in the past, small lies, big lies, white lies, black lies. No matter what you call them...it is ugly. I wonder if he will decide on his own to spank for correction without  "the talk" or if I should proceed with the talk, using this as a perfect example of how he can help me? Well stay tuned and I will let you know what happens.

Better late than never

So today is a new day of sorts. I have always known I have felt very different about what I wanted from my marriage. What my heart told me is that I wanted someone to love and cherish me, someone who would remain true to me through the good and bad times, someone that would accept me as I am, someone to grow old with.
Yes I know, every girl's fantasy, well for me, I have been blessed with a man who actually has met all of my heart's desires. What my brain told me is that it would take a strong man to lead me through life as I have always been a strong willed woman and not always in a good way. What would this mean exactly? I sort of knew but wasn't really sure, but instinctively knew it would be someone who would take charge and hold me accountable.
You see, I led a very dark past that has kept me in chains for most of my adult life. Oh I was raised to know better, it is just that I chose to be defiant in my teen years and felt that no one could or would stop me from exploring what life had to offer. Too bad for me, I did not listen because my choices set me up for a life time of heartache.
You see without having boundries and consequences in life, there is no safety net to catch you when you fall. Fast forward after many years of soul searching, I have been able to put a "name" to the feeling I have always had.
TTWD/dd. Yes, this thing we do, domestic discipline. There. I have said it, at least to those of you who might understand this life. I stumbled upon the Taken in hand site quite innocently this past summer and for the first time in my life I realized that maybe I wasn't crazy after all, and that this way of life has it's merits.
So I did what probably most of you did, I started a massive research on this entire subject.Who knew there would be so much information on such a personal and private subject right? Well let's just say, I have kept the sites that lend a personal side to their stories and have gotten rid of those that make little sense to me. I let my heart guide me here.
So now what you ask? well.... I need to have "the talk" with my wonderful husband. How hard can this be you ask? HARD!! We have been together for nearly 40 years, married for 38 years. You think he has a clue? Well yes he does. You see we actually have practiced some form of dd, we just didn't know there was a name. My husband has no problem with spankings particularly when they benefit him. I am certain he feels they benefit me. As for me... well you all know I benefit whether I agree in the moment or not! To be honest and that is what the purpose of this blog is... spankings started out as a sexual turn on, I now know why after the many months of recent readings. I was craving his dominance and his leadership even though back through the years I most certainly did not see it as such. That is why I titled this blog, better late than never. I absolutely am ready to relinquish my poor behaviors and learn to lean on him in every decision. Like all of you, I have discovered a complete sense of peace when I choose to do so. Do I always remember to follow his lead? Of course not. But I am working to get there. What I am looking for? A fresh start, a clean slate, to know I am forgiven for bringing baggage along with me into our marriage and not being the best that I can be to a man who has given me his all.
After a recent spanking, we had fallen asleep. I awoke after realizing he had taken my hand in his. As I laid there in the dark, I began to rub his hand. I noted the roughness of his hand as well as the strength of his hand, oddly there were areas of softness. It was then that the tears began to flow as all of the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place. This was the same hand that has protected and provided for my every need over the many years we have been together. Oddly, it is the same hand that also punishes me when I need correction, and also provides me with so much pleasure. What a responsibilty my man has, and he does so without question or expectations. He does so because he loves me.  I must have cried for hours when my heart realized what I owe him for the life we have shared. What quickly came to my mind was what I had been reading.. honesty, respect, obedience and caring for myself. Really is this asking so much? It is not.These are small things in comparison for all of the love he shares unselfishly. What I owe him is my complete submission and however and whatever it takes for me to get there I am willing to pursue.
I don't pretend that the journey will be easy, for sure there will be some emotional pain, most likely physical pain for me as I accept his corrections, but anyone who knows me well, knows I will finally succeed at being the submissive woman he expects and deserves.
Wish us luck as we embark on this journey.....